Thursday, April 21, 2011

Coachella Short Stories (Continued)

As I promised yesterday, I am back to bore you with more short stories about my Coachella Vacation.

HauteMess Has a Sister
I don't regularly talk about my family, but some of you may recall that I have a brother and he is recently married.  My new Sister-In-Law (SisterMess) practically BEGGED me to blog about her all weekend.  And by "BEG," I am using logic I learned from the brothers of Kappa Sigma at USC - "NO" doesn't always mean no. 

After 9 hours of drinking and finishing 3 full bottles of wine in a fun little game of "Pass the Bottle," the following conversations really happened:
ME: I love Durph.
Sis: Aw thanks!
ME: And by "Durph," I mean your brother - the 'Superior Durph.'
Sis: Oh yeah?? Then whats your brother to you? The superior placenta???
ME: *without a pause, grabbing for my phone* Hold on.
Sis: Are you blogging about this?
ME: Yes.
Sis: You set me up. You made this happen. I have never talked about placenta until you made me. You did this. Ugh.  That's the bad thing about HauteMess- you can't do anything anymore without her blogging it.
30 min later...
ME: Yo - what's your twitter handle?
Sis: Why?
ME: I'm going to mention you in a tweet.
Sis: NOOOO! I don't want to get famous. I can't handle fame.
ME: Trust me, no one is getting famous on my blog! *pulling out my iPhone*
Sis: Are you blogging about this right now?
ME: No.  But I may be emailing it to myself to throw back in your face tomorrow.
Sis: I feel like Bitchy Little Rat Dog is sitting here in a bikini body telling me to eat a dick.

And that's how I knew she wanted this...she wanted this REAL BAD.

I have always wanted a sister...just like the Wakefield Twins in Sweet Valley High but less dorky than Elizabeth and less slutty than Jessica.  I always thought sisters shared clothes and gave advice on boys and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning giggling.

Unfortunately, my only hand-me-downs growing up were Bugle Boys, Skidz Overalls, and sexually ambiguous polo shirts.  The only boy advice I ever received was, "If he asks for a Hot Carl, it means he wants to shit on your face." And although my brother and I often stay up to the wee hours of the morning drinking and laughing - I would never classify the noise he makes as "giggling."

Don't get me wrong.  My brother is my best friend.  I love him dearly.  BUT he can't french braid his way out of a paper bag, and he would never be able to tell me what shade of lipgloss goes best with my earrings.

A few years ago at Christmas time, my brother dropped me off at a bar where we were meeting his "chick du jour."  I walked in, parked at the bar, and pressed my elbows together tightly to produce bartender-attention-getting-cleavage.  I was just about to order a drink when some blonde chick started hitting on me.
Blondie: Are you HauteMess?
ME: I have been called that before, yes.
Blondie: I am so excited to meet you! I have heard so much about you.
ME: *realizing that she wasn't hitting on me, but rather the girl my brother mentioned* Yeah. Ditto *thinking to myself - if by "heard so much" you mean I was told there would be a female in the mix tonight, then yes, me too.*
After that night, my brother went on to tell me how important that night was because I just met his future wife.  He told me he just knew and that he was in love.  At the time, I was dating Mr. Apathetic and the idea of my brother meeting someone and "knowing" that he was in "love" after only a few weeks when it took like 6 months for Mr. Apathetic to acknowledge the title of "Boyfriend" was beyond comprehension.

But, I knew she was important to him so I made it a priority to get to know her.  Later that holiday break, I rode alone in a car with this New Blonde on a 3 hour trip to Charleston, SC for New Year's Eve.  We kept the conversation light, covering topics like: politics, religion, cancer, true love, recovering from heartbreak, therapy, eating disorders, and sex.  You know, basic small talk. (hint: that was sarcasm)  And that is when I knew - I had a friend for life.  She was going to marry my brother and be my Blonde-In-Law. 

This past weekend, while all the other girls were baring midriff, adjusting their floppy hats and feather hairpieces, we donned bikini body tee shirts and skipped Coachella to play "pass the bottle" while listening to Outkast on repeat before breaking out into interpretive dance to Florence + the Machine "Cosmic Love."  It was the kind of fun you can only have with best friends.

But then, we started videotaping each other drunk as blackmail, calling each other "bitch" and "skank," and wrestling over whether to tip the Pizza Delivery kid with a $10 or $20.  In those moments I knew - I have a bonafide sister!!!

And if anyone ever doubts our relatedness...I just want to share with you her text to my brother on Saturday:
"I just remembered why I hate the west coast so much. They killed Biggie."
-SisterMess to her husband, expounding on her opinion on why Coachella sucked.

So, Bitch, welcome to the family....for keeps this time!

p.s. I just bought "Sweet Valley Confidential: 10 Years Later"  to celebrate finally having my dream come true.  I will likely be writing an online book report about it.  If anyone wants to read along and form a bitchy, virtual, foul mouthed book club focused on brain candy - let me know!


  1. AHHHHHH!!!! I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO THE ONLINE BOOK REPORT MORE THAN ANYTHING EVER EVER EVER!! And I'm getting all my nerdballz-SVH Lovin' friends on board. You have your captive audience...I can. not. wait!

  2. SisterMerryHellishApril 22, 2011 at 12:56 PM

    Congrats on finally having a sister/BFF! I've been thinking of having mine over to the house for a pass-the-bottle party, but then I'd have to clean. Decisions, decisions...

    PS: Pass-the-bottle is the best! Even when you're drunk and trying to bite your own ears off you still remember the rules!

  3. Just get your sister drunk before she comes over and she won't notice the mess! Or better yet - make the rule that when you aren't drinking, you must be cleaning....that should expedite the drunkenness!

  4. LOVE! You all should read along with and we can have a Twitter Book Club party one night! it will baffle all our other friends (thinking, "who the fuck is Jessica Wakefield and why did she steal HauteMess's boyfriend?") but it would be fun to be able to chat real time and maybe even draw in some other likeminded (a.k.a. AWESOME) SVH fans :)

    I am starting the book this weekend...let me know if you want in!

  5. yeah. i only have a lil brother who is my bestest friend, but I always wanted a sister. I've been meaning to blog about the perfect sister, but I needed to chose one carefully, but haven't found the one yet. I first though Tina Fey, but no, she's smart and hilarious and sooo soo cool, but I have a feeling she would make fun of me for having too many sundresses and not enough books on my summer reading list....Okay I'll stop here, because I might be writing my blog entry in this comment box. sorry.

  6. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this idea! As if you were taking applications for "Perfect Sister" and you are evaluating all the it! I can't wait to read it.

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