Sunday, April 3, 2011

First Date Objective: Do Not Get Killed

When it comes to going on a first date, I live by one very simple rule: DO NOT GET KILLED.

I know it may sound a little paranoid, but when it comes to dating - I am equally as terrified as I am excited.  I want to meet Mr. Right.  I want to fall in love.  I also don't want to get kidnapped, chained to a water heater in a basement, and eventually cut into tiny pieces. 

It's a sickness.  I am a total weirdo, and I know it.  Rationally, I know that it is highly unlikely that I will get killed...but that doesn't stop me from obsessively taking every possible precaution.  I mean, I am sure that Natalee Holloway thought her "date" for the evening was a fun, amazing guy. 

For my first date with Mr. Ballsy, I had him meet me at a bar during the weekly Euchre league.  Senorita CalienteMess & Madame MarriedMess were there - so they would be able to spot any potential roofie attempts.  Also, I knew the bartender; in case the police asked questions later, he would easily be able to identify me and recount the details of my kidnapping.  Thankfully, I didn't end up dying, but I did have two witnesses to help me dissect the date and analyze every last detail.

For my first date with My Fair Gaydy, I had him meet me in broad daylight at my local coffee shop.  Again, the barista knew me so she could provide details in a police interrogation.  Also, when he wasn't looking, I snapped an iPhone picture of him and texted it to Senorita CalienteMess to send to the police if I didn't text before dark.  Too much?  Maybe.  But at least I had a picture to show people how cute he was.  The hottest guys are always gay...sigh.

For my first date with Mr. Wine Snob, (I know you don't know him...long story short - we went on 4 dates. I liked him enough to not blog about it right away, but not enough to keep dating him...) I made Senorita CalienteMess meet him so she could give an accurate description to the police sketch artist.

I know this is over the top behavior. Perhaps this is why I am still alive...or just why I am still single.  BUT, until I find a nice boy who will buy me cupcakes, take me and Bitchy Little Rat Dog on long Sunday walks, play Scrabble (and let me win) while consuming massive amounts of wine, and NOT MURDER ME  -  I will just have to be happy spending entire Sundays watching Veronica Mars and online shopping.

8 comments:

  1. I don't think that's paranoid - but I am paranoid for realsies so I'm not the best judge.

    I think sending iPhone pics of a blind date is an incredibly smart idea. I would even tell him why I was taking the picture but that may be why I didn't date a whole lot.

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  2. I don't go to these levels of um security(?) when going on dates but these are things I most certainly think about.

    I'm constantly saying to my mom "how do you know that the man I marry isn't going to come home one day and murder me??"

    its a crazy world out there!

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  3. I don't go to these levels of um security(?) when going on dates but these are things I most certainly think about.

    I'm constantly saying to my mom "how do you know that the man I marry isn't going to come home one day and murder me??"

    its a crazy world out there!

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  4. Thanks, love! We aren't paranoid. We are just smart!!

    I like secretly snapping photos...makes me feel like a secret agent or something. Hmmm...maybe I need to date a secret agent!

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  5. So true...Lacy Peterson probably never saw it coming.

    I am such a scaredy cat. Now I have to worry about more than first dates?!?! Uh oh.

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  6. Yep! I saw Silence of the Lambs...I know how this stuff works.

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  7. LOL! I totally agree! I have an after school special in my head at all times. I imagine my life on the 11:00 news. I think it's a great goal to not be killed on any date. More achievable than finding your sould mate, for sure

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