- In the summertime, if you aren’t sweaty before you put on Spanx, you sure will be after pulling them up. Those bitches take some serious effort! Baby Powder helps…but if you expect to hook up later, maybe not the biggest aphrodisiac.
- Speaking of Spanx – always have an exit strategy. Spanx are like night time mouth guards, tampon strings, or hair rollers – if you want to be seen as a sexual creature, he must NEVER see these things.
- There’s Something About Mary made an excellent point – masturbating before a date is always a good idea. Everyone looks better with that natural O Glow- consider it a sneak preview/incentive for your date to treat you extra well all night.
- If you are ever frazzled or in a hurry, don’t let Bitchy Little Rat Dog go outside. She immediately senses hurriedness and thinks, “Bitch wants to leave me?? Aw hell naw! Ima take my sweet ass time outside just THINKING about dropping a deuce, maybe even run away for a little bit.” I can’t tell you how many “I’m sorry I am late, my dog ran away,” text messages I have sent.
- If you date takes you for ice cream, always go Mint Chocolate Chip…it is the tastiest goodnight kiss. Trust.
- If you ever don’t know what to order at Potbelly – go for the PB&J. It is the incredibly awkward (nearly illegal) combination of an orgasm for your taste buds AND a nice reminder of childhood at the same time. Don't judge; just eat.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Hautemess Pearls of Wisdom
I regularly dispense random pearls of wisdom to innocent bystanders…mostly they look at me quizzically and walk away. I realize that perhaps instead of telling half the bar that I am still sweating from all the effort it took to pull my Spanx up – maybe I should just share these totally random, very loosely connected to any real train of thought, bits of advice with the blogosphere. So…you’re welcome, I guess.