Friday, May 27, 2011

Hautemess Pearls of Wisdom

I regularly dispense random pearls of wisdom to innocent bystanders…mostly they look at me quizzically and walk away. I realize that perhaps instead of telling half the bar that I am still sweating from all the effort it took to pull my Spanx up – maybe I should just share these totally random, very loosely connected to any real train of thought, bits of advice with the blogosphere. So…you’re welcome, I guess.
  • In the summertime, if you aren’t sweaty before you put on Spanx, you sure will be after pulling them up. Those bitches take some serious effort! Baby Powder helps…but if you expect to hook up later, maybe not the biggest aphrodisiac.
  • Speaking of Spanx – always have an exit strategy. Spanx are like night time mouth guards, tampon strings, or hair rollers – if you want to be seen as a sexual creature, he must NEVER see these things.
  • There’s Something About Mary made an excellent point – masturbating before a date is always a good idea. Everyone looks better with that natural O Glow- consider it a sneak preview/incentive for your date to treat you extra well all night.
  • If you are ever frazzled or in a hurry, don’t let Bitchy Little Rat Dog go outside. She immediately senses hurriedness and thinks, “Bitch wants to leave me?? Aw hell naw! Ima take my sweet ass time outside just THINKING about dropping a deuce, maybe even run away for a little bit.” I can’t tell you how many “I’m sorry I am late, my dog ran away,” text messages I have sent.
  • If you date takes you for ice cream, always go Mint Chocolate Chip…it is the tastiest goodnight kiss. Trust.
  • If you ever don’t know what to order at Potbelly – go for the PB&J. It is the incredibly awkward (nearly illegal) combination of an orgasm for your taste buds AND a nice reminder of childhood at the same time.  Don't judge; just eat.


  1. My damn dog runs away every time I'm running late.  Usually I'm running late to work since the last date I had was ohh....a while ago.  Effin' dogs.  Oh, and mine's deaf so that makes it extra fun!

  2. My boyfriend makes me take my mouth guard out before we get it on. Totally not sexy, but I need it to keep me from grinding my teeth when I sleep!

  3. SisterMerryHellishMay 27, 2011 at 1:28 PM

    Excellent advice!  Especially on the ice cream.  None for me unless you want it to be a REALLY uncomfortable night, but then I've already got mint chocolate chip ice cream GUM in my purse...for just such an occasion.

  4. I sincerely wish I knew what Potbelly was right now. 


    It is an AMAZING sandwich shop with d-lish milkshakes! :)

  6. Mine isn't deaf, but she certainly acts like it every time I am dressed up and trying to leave the house.  Too bad she is so effin cute every other time I am home!

  7. All those things are definitely necessary to make us the women they love...but as you have heard - seeing them in action isn't exactly sexy! :)  But I bet you make that mouthguard work for you!

  8. The Extra Desserts gum??? SOOOO freakin' good!  I love it! That is even better advice.

  9. Oh, I do! *bow-chicka-wow-wow* 

    Except when I say that with the guard in it sounds like I have a lisp :)

  10. Do you do the typical Spanx dance? Where you have to kind of stand on one leg and pull up one side as far as you can and then the other and then do the Spanx plie?

    I used to. Spanx are too hot - I think I'd rather just have my lovehandles than be THAT uncomfortable...but I loved them for a while.

    I love your blog by the way and follow you!

  11. Haha - I defnitely shimmy, ass-shake, and hop around to get my spanx up!  I like to wear my spanx as a way to keep my alcohol bloat in check as the night goes really helps prevent pregnancy rumors! :)

    Thanks for following and commenting - it means a lot!!



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