Thursday, May 19, 2011

It's The End Of The World As We Know It...Or not.

So apparently the Rapture is coming on May 21st at 6pm.  I can't decide if I want to throw an "End of the World" party or just eat a ridiculous amount of pizza in hopes that calories are meaningless on the 22nd.

For those of you who may be confused, I have compiled a quick HauteMess Guide to the Rapture in the form of FAQs! You're welcome.

FAQ: Wait, what? Isn't "Rapture" a Blondie song?
Why yes, it IS an amazing song where a white girl raps.  Not quite as impressive as me rapping "Bust a Move" at karaoke...or this white girl doing her best impression of ME: (wait until minute 1:16....I may have jizzed in my pants)

FAQ: Awesome...Blondie!  But wait - what the fuck are you talking about?
OH, some silly old dude with a funny name (Harold Camping...tee hee!) likes to think of himself as the smartest man in the world because he cracked The Da Vinci Code.  He is good at math. He is religious.  He has no hobbies.  Therefore, he determined that the Mayans were rull CLOSE - but not quite accurate.  2012 was a total overshot. (Silly Mayan assholes!) He has determined that (this is a REAL quote...according to
"We cannot say emphatically that it’s 6 pm...There’s a lot of information that looks at the probability of 6 pm in any city in the world–But we know absolutely, without any shadow of a doubt, that May 21 will be the day...By the end of 24 hours, the whole world will have been destroyed."
 Rapture is basically when God calls up to the heaven his most faithful, leaving the rest to wait on earth an endure torture and pain while waging a war on sin... So basically it is like being last to get picked in dodgeball.

FAQ: So do you believe in this shit?
Let's say this, I don't believe in it enough to stop training for my half marathon on June 5th...or enough to stop shaving my legs this weekend in hopes of meeting Mr. Right...or enough to not buy enough wine and groceries for the next week or so.  BUT I am trying to balance the fine line of my opinion and not make fun of (too much) this poor, misguided old man (with an abnormal amount of time on his hands or a really sweet graphing calculator, TI-89 yo!).  Because making fun of people isn't really that nice...even if they are moronic.

FAQ: So you don't believe in this...yet you are blogging about it??
Fucking DUH! It sounds like an awesome party!  "RAPTURE NIGHT!" "End of the World Party!"  Drink Tequila like there will be no hangover!  Dance like your muscles won't be sore tomorrow!  Stay up as late as possible (circa 6th grade slumber party) because you may never see it all again! Why wouldn't I take an interest?  If I could make a speech like the president in Independence Day with Will Smith, I would.  But I can't.  So - Instead, I like to plan the party that will either say goodbye in style OR throw egg in the face of some old cult leader.  Either way, I win.

FAQ: I'm confused again.  Is the world ending or not?
I think its safe to say the world will NOT end.  Rapture is NOT going to happen.  BUT if you have been waiting to buy that new pair of boots or eat that ridonkulous dessert - DO IT FRIDAY! It's an excellent excuse to have an AMAZING WEEKEND!  And in the off chance I am wrong and he is right, you will be glad you did!  If he is right, Sunday will be the day of cheap real estate, cars, and free pets!  If I am right, then maybe just go for brunch wearing your new shoes or perhaps hit up a nice farmer's market while walking your dog! Enjoy the day!  Like I said, WIN-WIN!

I truly can't help myself from throwing some sort of rapture party this weekend and I am certain the results will be just as hilarious and available to read on Monday as any other day!


  1. I will be in Sin City this weekend for the end of the world...wildly appropriate, yes?

    I knew you were running a half, but didn't realize it might be San Diego?  If so, I'll be there cheering my girlfriend on - I ran the marathon there last year and the crowds make the race!  Good luck!

  2. YAY!  I am going to be in San Diego June 5th - how cool would it be if we ran into each other? :)  And how pissed will Harold be?

    Have so much fun in Vegas!  Perhaps I will see you soon. :)

  3. This explains everything to me!  Thank you.  Also, I may or may not have tried to use the upcoming Rapture to get a man to sleep with me.  He's all, "Let's take it slow!" and I went, "But the world is ending!  Think about how you want to go out!  Holding hands like a douche or going out in blazing orgasms of glory?!"  I don't *think* he was really swayed, but we'll see when I try to get in his pants later. 

  4. I honestly want to quote you when people say, "Dance like no one's watching, sing like no one's listening, etc."  "Drink tequila like there will be no hangover!" But I wouldn't say that part about loving like you've never been hurt, because have you ever gotten a UTI from sex?  That hurts.  So basically, drink tequila and always pee after sex.

  5.  Fab Five Freddy said everybody's fly, DJ spinnin I said "My, my! Flash is fast, Flash is cool!"

    Rapture is my jam! Blondie rules :) I kept seeing ads on the train about Judgment Day. I guess I'll be going to the big party in Hell!

  6.  Guess I won't have to worry about being single for much longer if the world all be endin'! ;)

  7. I don't believe, but I keep thinking: Maybe I should eat a lot of carbs, just in case. 

  8. I hear ya! Fact: I ate a lot of carbs...A LOT!  

  9. Sorry to say that we must endure on with our singleness - but hey! At least we aren't Harold Camping right now! :)

  10.  A woman after my own heart! I started singing your comment aloud and made it into the second paragraph before I realized it wasn't part of the song. :)  p.s. I am excited to hear your Baloney rap!

  11. Love it!  I feel like we could add something else to this one - like, Shave your lady bits like there will be no razor burn! 

  12.  How'd it go with the prude?  Did the rapture excuse work?  Because, I mean - if I was a believer, that is EXACTLY how I would want to go out!

  13. This is hilarious! We definitely had a Rapture Party... including a count down. The theme was "BYOB and Weapons." I think we might start doing it every year! 

  14. I LUUUURVE IT!  That could also be reapplied to a Kill Bill Party! BYOB and Weapons! 



Related Posts with Thumbnails