For those of you who may be confused, I have compiled a quick HauteMess Guide to the Rapture in the form of FAQs! You're welcome.
FAQ: Wait, what? Isn't "Rapture" a Blondie song?
Why yes, it IS an amazing song where a white girl raps. Not quite as impressive as me rapping "Bust a Move" at karaoke...or this white girl doing her best impression of ME: (wait until minute 1:16....I may have jizzed in my pants)
FAQ: Awesome...Blondie! But wait - what the fuck are you talking about?
OH, some silly old dude with a funny name (Harold Camping...tee hee!) likes to think of himself as the smartest man in the world because he cracked The Da Vinci Code. He is good at math. He is religious. He has no hobbies. Therefore, he determined that the Mayans were rull CLOSE - but not quite accurate. 2012 was a total overshot. (Silly Mayan assholes!) He has determined that (this is a REAL quote...according to CNN.com)...
"We cannot say emphatically that it’s 6 pm...There’s a lot of information that looks at the probability of 6 pm in any city in the world–But we know absolutely, without any shadow of a doubt, that May 21 will be the day...By the end of 24 hours, the whole world will have been destroyed."Rapture is basically when God calls up to the heaven his most faithful, leaving the rest to wait on earth an endure torture and pain while waging a war on sin... So basically it is like being last to get picked in dodgeball.
FAQ: So do you believe in this shit?
Let's say this, I don't believe in it enough to stop training for my half marathon on June 5th...or enough to stop shaving my legs this weekend in hopes of meeting Mr. Right...or enough to not buy enough wine and groceries for the next week or so. BUT I am trying to balance the fine line of my opinion and not make fun of (too much) this poor, misguided old man (with an abnormal amount of time on his hands or a really sweet graphing calculator, TI-89 yo!). Because making fun of people isn't really that nice...even if they are moronic.
FAQ: So you don't believe in this...yet you are blogging about it??
Fucking DUH! It sounds like an awesome party! "RAPTURE NIGHT!" "End of the World Party!" Drink Tequila like there will be no hangover! Dance like your muscles won't be sore tomorrow! Stay up as late as possible (circa 6th grade slumber party) because you may never see it all again! Why wouldn't I take an interest? If I could make a speech like the president in Independence Day with Will Smith, I would. But I can't. So - Instead, I like to plan the party that will either say goodbye in style OR throw egg in the face of some old cult leader. Either way, I win.
FAQ: I'm confused again. Is the world ending or not?
I think its safe to say the world will NOT end. Rapture is NOT going to happen. BUT if you have been waiting to buy that new pair of boots or eat that ridonkulous dessert - DO IT FRIDAY! It's an excellent excuse to have an AMAZING WEEKEND! And in the off chance I am wrong and he is right, you will be glad you did! If he is right, Sunday will be the day of cheap real estate, cars, and free pets! If I am right, then maybe just go for brunch wearing your new shoes or perhaps hit up a nice farmer's market while walking your dog! Enjoy the day! Like I said, WIN-WIN!
I truly can't help myself from throwing some sort of rapture party this weekend and I am certain the results will be just as hilarious and available to read on Monday as any other day!