The day was glorious...and brutal. After feeding my body a steady stream of champagne, vodka, rum, whiskey, and beer - I sucked face with a 24year old for lunch and dinner instead of actually eating anything all day.
By the way, why didn't anyone tell me that Mint juleps are no fucking joke?? Did YOU know that they are basically just a giant glass of straight up Makers Mark? I didn't. You know what else I didn't know? That whiskey makes me EXTRA sassy.
Case in point. I berated a rabid religious zealot who was attacking derby goers on their way in. He was shouting, "SINNERS! YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!" And I couldn't just stand by and watch. Naturally, I shouted back, "Your church may not have an attendance problem if your personality weren't so offputting. I actually feel sorry for Jesus that you think you are his representative right now."
He shouted back, "What do you know of Jesus?"
My reply was simply, "Jesus is my homeboy."
He looked at me quizzically, "What does that even mean? I doubt you are even worthy of Jesus' love."
AWWW. HELLLS NAH! I generally don't talk about religion - or Jesus - especially when I am drunk. But this overweight shart of a man really pushed my buttons. I realized though that you can't win with a person like him - we believe in two different things. Mainly, I believe that Jesus loves me, and he believed that the extra 45 pounds, unkempt facial hair, and one green tooth were not disgusting.
So, I slurred some ridiculous insult claiming that he's just jealous of me, quickly grasped my ticket, and ran through the turn-styles at the entrance to escape him...and the trajectory of his bible flying through the air. Pretty certain he threw that bible at me...
Luckily, on the inside I found my friends. Friends with hot friends. Hot 24 year old friends. Lucky for me, this specific 24 year old has had a crush on me since we first met 4 years ago... When I was his corporate sponsor at a student leadership forum. Yes. The young boys love me.
At one point, I even said, "I am old enough to be your mom." To which he replied, "Umm. Hardly." I hastily placed a finger on his mouth and said sternly, "SHHH! Respect your elders!"
He told me that he had been thinking about what it would be like to kiss me...for years. The whiskey inside me told him that it was his lucky day...I was frisky and going commando (for fear of VPL -visible panty line). While this was true, it was intended just to drive his imagination wild. It worked.
The poor kid had it bad. He followed me around for hours - begging me to kiss him. I pulled him behind trucks to make out, dark corners to make out, and well we made out just about all over the derby. He may or may not have swallowed my earring at one point. I told him that he could never tell anyone about our tryst - no one could ever know. He loved it! They all do.
Sidenote: I have recently done some reflecting, and I have identified one of the best man tactics in my toolbox is to make him feel like a dirty, little secret. I tell a guy that I don't want a future with him. I tell him that he is nothing but a drunken mistake waiting to happen. He loves me that much more. (for a short, finite period of time) While not a recipe for long lasting love, it is certainly a nice late night snack.Ahhh....Derby! I love and loathe you....I shall be back!