Thursday, May 5, 2011

Pippa Middleton vs. HauteMess

AOL News recently reported "10 Things You Should Know About Pippa Middleton."

In response, I say, "She sounds boring....What about Me?"  So I have compiled a point for point rebuttal on why I am clearly more newsworthy than Pippa Middleton.  (All italicized excerpts from from this article)

Pippa:
"Philippa Charlotte Middleton, 27, is Carole and Michael Middleton's second daughter. Her siblings include older sister Kate and younger brother James. Known as "Pip" to her family and "Pippa" to the world, she reportedly has asked to be called Philippa going forward."
HauteMess:
Mademoiselle HauteMess, 28, is the only daughter (therefore, the BEST daughter) of Mama and Papa Mess.  I never really had a consistent nickname, but when my father uses my middle name- it generally means I deserve a spanking.
Pippa:
"She's currently dating 30-year-old London broker and former England cricketer Alex Loudon, who is a friend of Prince William. The one-year relationship appears to be pretty serious. Loudon attended the ceremony, and was seated with the Middleton family. And according to rumors, an engagement may be on the horizon once the royal wedding mania fades. But now that Pippa has gotten a taste of the global media spotlight will she be ready to settle down?"
HauteMess:
My current relationship is with a 10lb rat dog and a DVR. I swear media spotlight won't change me - so David Beckham, please contact misshautemess@gmail.com
Pippa:
"Sorry, commoner dudes. Her former beau roster includes only affluent gents, such as Jonathan "JJ" Jardine Paterson, an heir to the Hong Kong Jardine Matheson fortune, Scottish aristocrat Billy More Nesbitt and diamond heir Simon Youngman."
HauteMess:
My dating history includes men with bad teeth, bad attitudes, or a general lack of consideration... The bar is low, new men welcome! 
Pippa:
"After studying English literature at the University of Edinburgh, Pippa began working for an events planner, combining her love of partying and regal connections. She also runs The Party Times, an online magazine for her parents' business."
HauteMess:
After studying Business Management and Marketing at Purdue University, I began working. On an unrelated note, I also plan parties at my house that combine my love for costumes and binge drinking...
Pippa:
"Pippa was named the Number One Society Singleton by Tatler magazine in 2008. She even surpassed Princess Eugenie of York, Prince William's cousin, on the list."
HauteMess:
In high school I was named 'Most Likely To Succeed' - so for my picture in the yearbook, I wore a hideous gold dress and held an empty champagne glass in the school library. My male counterpart wore a Hugh Hefner-esque smoking jacket. Because OBVIOUSLY that is what Success looks like.  While I have never made a "Most Eligible" list, I DO have quite a few blog fans and followers. A couple have even offered to take me out for a drink if I ever visit their towns...which I will someday!
Pippa:
"She's BFFs with Chelsy Davy, Prince Harry's on-again, off-again girlfriend. The nightclub-loving girls are often spotted together out and about in London."
HauteMess:
I am not best friends with Chelsea Davey, but I have declared that Prince Harry is the ugliest famous person I would consider having sex with.
Pippa:
"Her tush has Facebook fans (thanks to all her bend-and-reach bridal duties). The Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society is currently boasting almost 150,000 "likes.""
HauteMess:
My tush may not have a Facebook Fan page...but it does amazing things while dancing to Baby Got Back.
Pippa:
"Before the royal wedding, she had gained the media nickname "Perfect Pippa" for her toned legs, bronzed skin, shiny hair and ease in front of the paparazzi lens."
HauteMess:
The Media generally likes to call me "Bikini Body Goddess" for my diluted Greek blood line, enthusiasm for wine, and willingness to wear bikini body tee shirts to EVERYTHING.
Pippa:
"She helped plan the post-reception dance party at Buckingham Palace. She reportedly requested that disco balls be suspended from the ceiling, which the Palace pooh-poohed."
HauteMess:
For My parents 35th Wedding Anniversary - My brother and I planned a party for 125 of their closest friends. I insisted on having an Elvis impersonator AND karaoke. Buckingham Palace did not comment on this choice.
Pippa:
"Now that Kate is married, Pippa will be entitled to use the duchess' original coat of arms with a blue ribbon, which represents an unmarried Middleton female."
HauteMess:
Immediately after watching the royal wedding, I spent my saturday night on Etsy.com shopping for Fascinator Hats.  My new 8 inch diameter floral facsinator will make its debut at the Kentucky Derby this weekend.

Now that you are all in love with me, all dating and best friend applications can be emailed to misshautemess@gmail.com

12 comments:

  1. Haha this list is amaziiing.. I am also stunned as to how you have not yet found your fame yet. We need to work on that.

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  2. LOVE you! Let's immediately start drafting my plan to fame together! :) I am sure the list of ideas that could make me famous would include: eating copious amounts of jello shots, inventing sweat absorbing tights, or actually founding Future Spinsters of America!

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  3. You are WAYYY more interesting.

    This is America. Why does anyone give a crap about our former occupier's royal weddings?

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  4. Love this!

    Totally cracked me up :)

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  5. Thanks, love! Glad to be of service.

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  6. I think the sweat absorbing tights would definitely do the trick

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  7. that is so creative! Love the idea!...

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  8. love your blog. you and pippa have a lot in common! haha

    following you :)http://sarissweetlife.blogspot.com

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  9. Thank you dear! Just went with my heart...and my raging jealousy! ;)

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  10. Thank you!! I will definitely check out your blog too!

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  11. LOVES this post! I actually love Pippa! How gorge did she look at the wedding?

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  12. I adore this!!! Finally someone saying it as it is!

    Your blog is a-mah-zing! (said in a posh, sloaney-woaney, chelsea type voice). Banter!  

    Love from the UK xx

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