Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Stories That Are Probably Funnier If You Were There

I recently discovered the "Notes" app on my iPhone.  So now, rather than emailing and texting myself every little thing I find humorous while drunk, I can now write as much as I want without internet access or ATT network service.  It is brilliant, liberating...and allows me to capture things that I am certain are only funny IF you are either currently drunk or were there in person.  But since I am completely out of material this week...I have cobbled together my notes from last week.


THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
As you may remember, I have a bit of a sweating problem...on the backs of my legs.  This plagues me to no end in the summer months.  Anytime I am sitting on leather seats, pleather seats, plastic chairs, or anything non absorbent really - I sweat like whore in church.  It is as embarrassing as it is unsightly.

While sitting in the Delta Sky Club for approximately 9 hours, the alcohol sweats set in...
Me: Eww...My legs are sweating so fucking bad. My dress will for sure have a wet mark when I stand up.
Madame MarriedMess (MM): Just pull your dress up a little so you won't sweat on it.
Me: I am a little more concerned with not flashing everyone here than the inevitable wet mark.
*envisioning how funny that WOULD be, I start shimmying my chest, singing in a showtune type voice to Kanye West's favorite Beyonce song* If you like it, then you better put a ring on it.
MM: *giggling* A ring on WHAT?
Me: *pondering* A 'C' Ring! hehe
MM: Ha!
Me: *starting to worry that I was unclear* But not MY 'C,' the BOY 'C.'
MM: No, I was following you the whole time...but thanks for that clarification.
YOU, REDHEADED SLUT, YOU
While celebrating a night out with the girls, Mademoiselle BlondeMess, Madame MarriedMess, and I wandered into a quaint little pub.  There was a sweet, sweet girl raising money for a Volunteer trip to Guatemala.  We donated money and retired to the corner of the pub to maintain our sweet buzz.

The girl raising money came over to properly introduce herself and thank us for donating money.  We all became fast friends, and before we knew it, she was opening up to us.  Her boyfriend had just broken up with her.  Adding insult to injury, he was the bartender at the pub.  She was poised and confident and pulled together....everything I would not have been.   As soon as we heard this story, Madame MarriedMess immediately retreated to the bar.

She returned with 4 Red Headed Sluts to help fortify our new friend's courage.
BlondeMess: What are these?
Me: *taking one sniff* Red Headed Slut.
MarriedMess: That was impressive.
Me: I know my shots.
BlondeMess: What's in a RedHeaded Slut?
MarriedMess: You have never had a RedHeaded Slut?
BlondeMess: No. Is that bad?  What's in it?
Me: You don't want to know.  Just dip your tongue in it, it's nice.
BlondeMess: *dipping her tongue in the high ball glass* Mmmm.  (the other girls turning to stare at her) *blushing* I know I have a long tongue, so it's easy.
MarriedMess: Did anyone else appreciate how awkward that sounded?
The rest of the night was a bit of a blur...but I was later reminded that by the end of the night, I walked right up to the bartender and said in a threatening tone:
"Listen here fella, your ex girlfiend is a fine lady.  She is beautiful on the inside and out.  How could you let her go?  I suggest that you reconsider and sort this out."
I then immediately realized what I had done, grabbed BlondeMess's arm, and whispered:
"We have to get the fuck out of here...NOW!  That fucking redheaded slut!"

5 comments:

  1. haha! i love reay your posts they make me crack my pants.
    left you a suprise on my blog should you care to check it out.
    Jello

    jelloskitchen.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. You really are me ten years ago.

    In fact, you're kind of still me, but with less alcohol.

    And...sweating.

    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. With a compliment like that, you made my day! I would love to think that we are cut from the same cloth. :)

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  4. Thank you!! I am not sure what "cracking your pants" is - but I like to picture is as a deep laugh that splits your pants wide open!

    ReplyDelete
  5. hahah good for you for sticking up for the guatemala girl.. and i just looked up the recipe for the redheaded slut. that shit sounds dangerous!

    ReplyDelete

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