Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Dear Wal-Mart,

I think we should see other people.  I wish I knew how to quit you for good, but every time I think of you, I convince myself that you can't really be as bad as I remember.  You are just so convenient - staring at me every time I head to the soccer gym.  I tell myself, "Only one trip." The I wouldn't have to go to Target OR Kroger...it will be convenient and cheap, right?

I mean, I LOVE Target...but in times of economic hardship, a girl must avoid places where everything shiny, sparkly, and pretty is shelved in the first 50feet of the store. I know I don't need any more Bunny ears, glow bracelets, sequin uncle sam hats, etc - yet, when I see them with a $1 pricetag on them, they just JUMP in my cart.  And no - I don't need more makeup or swimsuits or scarves or hats or earrings...but they call to me when I walk past them, begging for a new home.  Target is always responsible for an extra $5-50 dollars of impulse buys, depending on "how cute" I deem them.  So to save money and avoid purchasing any more Red, White, and Blue sparklers...I decided to go to Wal Mart.

I pulled into the WM parking lot so hopeful, thinking, "Sweet parking spot right near the door!! Score! So much better than fighting with every Yuppie and Hyde Park mommy in town at the Kroger! Wonder why no one's here on a Monday at 6:15PM?"  I walked in, grabbed my cart, went straight to my business in the grocery section (with no sparkly distractions) and...

BAM!  IT HAPPENNED.  You disappointed me to no end.

First, some idiot at your deli counter made me wait 15 minutes to serve me...while she slowly waited on the only customer ahead of me. (really? it takes how long to shave a half pound of turkey?)  Then she took an additional 10min to get my turkey and cheese, asking me to repeat each bit of my order at least three times.  (but she still managed to shave up some ham on accident because she couldn't tell the difference.)

Moment of the Day: 
Deli Girl: "Wait. Did you say Co Jack or Colby?" *as she holds the Co Jack over the blade, ready to cut*
Me: "Colby"
Deli Girl: *whispering to a coworker loud enough to be wearing a microphone* Which ones' Colby?" 
Lazy Boy Behind Counter: "Colby's the yellow round one...or something."  

I don't mind high kids usually but only the smart, high ones.  There is nothing worse than someone who is already dumb getting stoned and handling my deli needs. 

And then, to add insult to injury, I ran into several of your "lovely," toothless patrons in a little traffic jam where you decided to shove just ONE MORE display pallet in the most inconvenient spot in the store. (corner intersection by milk, bread, and donuts)  I felt so out of place in my J Crew/Banana Republic work outfit...

60 minutes later, I may have saved a few dollars but wasted 30 minutes of my life looking around for the NON WalMart generic version of cottage cheese and waiting in lines to be served by people who couldn't have looked like they hated me more. 

And I don't even have a $1 sparkly trinket to show for it...

I am done for real this time.

Spitefully yours,


  1. Greatish ExpectationsJune 28, 2011 at 8:47 AM

    Ugh I think everyone can relate... I try to avoid walmart but still end up there once a week. 

  2. One time I went to Walmart at 2 am in Tomah, Wisconsin. (Where's Tomah you may ask? Good question.) THAT was Walmart people at their best. I think having a brain injury or missing teeth is required if you work there. They probably have a box you have to check on the application.

  3. SisterMerryHellishJune 28, 2011 at 10:32 AM

    I love Target too, but alas MadamBob and I have to shop at WM.  We were there last night and I almost spanked someone...and it was a PARENT!

    As far as parking, it seems that the closer you park to the door the longer you're going to be stuck in there!  We park at the Waterburger across the street. 

    PS:  Shout out to you today on my blog!  Thanks Sug!

  4.  i live in a place where you'd think the walmart wouldn't be as bad, but i can't tell you how many times i've had the most creepy guys try to hit on me there. ugh.

  5. I try my very best to avoid WM and even more so Target but still I end up there almost once a week giving away money for things I may never use. 

  6. I love this post. And I completely agree with everything you've said. Perfection. 

  7.  It is like an abusive relationship - I don't want to go back...but i can't stay away!

  8. I once ended up at a Super Walmart in florida at 1am when Delta temporarily misplaced my luggage...I had to buy clothes and toiletries for work the next day... I imagine we saw the same kind of crazy! :)

  9. Thanks for the shoutout, love!! 

    Yes - I feel your pain.  Awful parents make me want to get violent...screaming children, filthy children, unruly children - not usually the kids fault.  It's usually some less than average IQ parent with little desire to raise respectable members of society....evidenced by their clothing choices and their obnoxiously loud cell phone conversations while the children run wild!

    And...what is waterburger?  Is this someplace I should visit??

  10. I hear ya!  It's like they bus in the kooks from far and wide just to fill Wal Marts (even in the best of neighborhoods) with mullets, muffin tops, and toothless Cassanovas!

    Perhaps you should start wearing a shirt that says, "YES, I am pretty.  NO, I will not give you my number. But I will give you the number for my dentist!"

  11. Sigh.  I know this to be true!  But at the time, don't the festive socks and glow in the dark bracelets seem like you will use them ALL THE TIME! ;)

  12.  Thank you thank you thank you!  You are too kind, love!

  13. Walmart is the spawn of Satan.  Stay away from Walmart...save your sanity and any faith you have in humanity. That is meant to be read in a very creepy, prophetic voice...whatever that means.  Anyway, I feel your pain!

  14. But that lady's outfit it F.I.N.E.

  15. I know...I so wanted to ask where I could find that in case there is a theme party that would fit this outfit!

  16.  Like a moth to a flame...I just can't get away from the hell hole with the falling prices!

  17. I love Walmart but I absolutely hate it at the same time. Why can't they have special normal people business hours so some of us can shop in peace??

    Just found your blog and loving it. :-)

  18. Thank you for the comment and for following - I would totally invest in your "private" wal-mart idea...LOVE IT!



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