Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A Mother-DaughterMess Vacation

For Mother's Day this year I decided to take my mother to San Diego with me for my half marathon. She has always been my biggest supporter when it comes to fundraising but had never actually seen me run.

Normally my mom and I don't vacation together because she doesn't really drink (1 drink and her her face blows up like a red balloon) and she doesn't stay up late or walk long distances. And those are basically my only requirements for vacations - long walking tours (burns calories AND no risk of a DUI), exorbitant amounts of drinking, and staying up past 9pm. BUT, on race weekends I have to take it easy and hydrate. Therefore, it was the perfect mother-daughter vacation!

My mom is hilarious in her own ways. Her main hobbies include trying to marry me off to strangers she meets on airplanes (as a flight attendant, this happens more than you know), publicly doubting my decision to not have children, bragging about how awesome I am, and empathizing with all humanity by taking in as many strays as possible. And by strays, I mean damaged goods dogs and people as well as any babies/children that she can pretend are her own grandkids. So to be sure, hilarity ensued this past weekend.

DAY 1: "The Great Condom Debacle"

While unpacking my backpack (one that I haven't used in a a long while), I pulled out my jewelry and out fall a bag of condoms. I quickly looked over to see if my mom had noticed...she had. I immediately started sweating and got nauseous. My mom is pretty certain that I am a virgin, and this is one of my proudest accomplishments in life. Do you have any idea how hard it is to carry that off as a 28 year old?

Anyway, the worst part about those condoms falling out is that they were not even from exciting vacation sex but rather party favors from a baby shower. Thank God they were still in the little plastic bag with diaper pins in, or my "virgin" rouse may have ended right then and there. It made it a little less believable that I hadn't been hoping for "that kind of weekend."

DAY 2: "Guilt and Circumstance"
Jetlag wouldn't let me sleep past 8:30am and my mom is more in love with sleeping in than I am in love with wine and pizza. So, I went out to explore on my own. One of my many weaknesses in life is pain au chocolat ... As I was sitting down at a lovely outdoor french cafe to shamefully enjoy my 700-calorie sin (hey- carbloading yo!), the local Cross Fit enthusiasts decided to run laps around the block. Suddenly, I was tortured by 20 fantastically thin and fit hard-bodies who happened to run past me every time I tried to take a bite of my devilish pastry. Assholes.

Later that afternoon, while Mom and I strolled through Balboa Park, I spotted a sweet Palm Reading Fortune teller with only 8 fingers. My mom had never been to a fortune teller for fear that they would tell her she will die soon. I called, "Nonsense!" and forced her to sit down with him. This soothsayer nailed my mom's life with so many accurate details that I had to keep turning my head away to keep from giggling. He told my mom that she is basically Mother Theresa, but with a feisty little temper and a tendency to cry at the drop of a hat. ACCURATE!

When it was my turn, Frankie 8 Fingers told me that I either haven't dated very many significant people OR I must date a lot of trash because my relationship line was sparse.  The love of my life is still out there, he said. But apparently, I should abandon all hope of retiring rich. Meh - You win some, you lose some.


DAY 3: "Dumb & Dumber Plan Their Evening"
After running 13.1 miles on an injured ankle, I was essentially immobile. While icing my jacked up ankle and shivering from sunburn induced chills (Personal Policy: if you aren't as tan as you would like by final day of vacation- sunblock is stupid...as it turns out, I was stupid.), we talked about our evening plans.
ME: So, what should we do now?
Mom: HBO has True Blood.
ME: Yeah, but what time? It's only 7.
Mom: Well, it doesn't start until June 26th, so we'll have to wait a while.
DAY 4: "THAT Conversation."
On the plane home, we sat next to a guy who looked like a Prince William Wannabe... Full lips, slightly horsey teeth, big green eyes, and a super receding hair line with future comb-over potential... And after chugging 2 glasses of Chardonnay in the Delta Sky Club, all I wanted to do was shout, "So, no socks eh? Tell me how that works for ya." However because it was only 2 glasses and not 4, I realized that this type of candor is only endearing to my friends and family. And according the the palm reader- I have to learn to censor myself. (HauteMess 1, Palm Reader 0)

My mom clearly noticed that he may be a young, single potential mate for me... And busted out the following conversation:
Mom: I have donated 10% of all your donations! Buy don't tell your dad- I used my own credit card so he won't know. *turning to boy* So are you married?
Him: No, but I have had a girlfriend for a long time. (obviously trying to give her a hint to lay off, but MamaMess fears no girlfriends)
Mom: I just want you to know what to expect. I taught my daughter at a young age to keep the change when her dad asked her to pay for things... then it backfired on me and she started keeping my change, too. I guess I taught her too well.
Me: Ha, except now I prefer total financial independence.
Mom: *sigh* Yeah- it totally backfired. Now she doesn't want to get married or have babies. *through gritted teeth* I NEED grandkids.
Me: *GASP* Wha? Really??? You're are having THIS conversation?
Mom: (to me) Yes. *turning back to him* They keep giving me grand-dogs, my son and her. And don't get me wrong, they are great dogs - but you can only put them in so many outfits.
Me: WOW. That's going on the blog.
Mom: *whispering to me* You are evil. EVIL I tell you. *turning back to him, batting her eyelashes and dripping with Southern Charm* Sooo, what do you do for a living? *smile*
At least she is a determined little bitch! :)

8 comments:

  1. Oh boy, I can't imagine dropping condoms in front of my mom, even though she already knows I'm not a virgin. Saved by the diaper pin!

    ReplyDelete
  2.  MORTIFYING! It could have been worse...the other favors in that bag were vodka, chocolate, and lube...that would have looked REALLY suspicious!

    ReplyDelete
  3. hahahahahahah oh mum's.

    ReplyDelete
  4. i love this post!!!!!! also, your mom sounds awesome. not like, i wanna hang out with her awesome (solely because, you know, i drink a lot) but just like, dude. AWESOME.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you so much!! YOU made my day. :)  Also,  I got your other comment...but when I switched the site to a custom domain, blogspot decided to hold all my previous comments hostage...I hear that they will all be back soon!  

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is awesome. This makes me want to hang out with my mom. And, by he way, your candidness is definitely enjoyed by me!

    ReplyDelete
  7. "MamaMess" - HAHA. Loved this post. =)

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails