Normally my mom and I don't vacation together because she doesn't really drink (1 drink and her her face blows up like a red balloon) and she doesn't stay up late or walk long distances. And those are basically my only requirements for vacations - long walking tours (burns calories AND no risk of a DUI), exorbitant amounts of drinking, and staying up past 9pm. BUT, on race weekends I have to take it easy and hydrate. Therefore, it was the perfect mother-daughter vacation!
My mom is hilarious in her own ways. Her main hobbies include trying to marry me off to strangers she meets on airplanes (as a flight attendant, this happens more than you know), publicly doubting my decision to not have children, bragging about how awesome I am, and empathizing with all humanity by taking in as many strays as possible. And by strays, I mean damaged goods dogs and people as well as any babies/children that she can pretend are her own grandkids. So to be sure, hilarity ensued this past weekend.
DAY 1: "The Great Condom Debacle"
While unpacking my backpack (one that I haven't used in a a long while), I pulled out my jewelry and out fall a bag of condoms. I quickly looked over to see if my mom had noticed...she had. I immediately started sweating and got nauseous. My mom is pretty certain that I am a virgin, and this is one of my proudest accomplishments in life. Do you have any idea how hard it is to carry that off as a 28 year old?
Anyway, the worst part about those condoms falling out is that they were not even from exciting vacation sex but rather party favors from a baby shower. Thank God they were still in the little plastic bag with diaper pins in, or my "virgin" rouse may have ended right then and there. It made it a little less believable that I hadn't been hoping for "that kind of weekend."
DAY 2: "Guilt and Circumstance"
Jetlag wouldn't let me sleep past 8:30am and my mom is more in love with sleeping in than I am in love with wine and pizza. So, I went out to explore on my own. One of my many weaknesses in life is pain au chocolat ... As I was sitting down at a lovely outdoor french cafe to shamefully enjoy my 700-calorie sin (hey- carbloading yo!), the local Cross Fit enthusiasts decided to run laps around the block. Suddenly, I was tortured by 20 fantastically thin and fit hard-bodies who happened to run past me every time I tried to take a bite of my devilish pastry. Assholes.
Later that afternoon, while Mom and I strolled through Balboa Park, I spotted a sweet Palm Reading Fortune teller with only 8 fingers. My mom had never been to a fortune teller for fear that they would tell her she will die soon. I called, "Nonsense!" and forced her to sit down with him. This soothsayer nailed my mom's life with so many accurate details that I had to keep turning my head away to keep from giggling. He told my mom that she is basically Mother Theresa, but with a feisty little temper and a tendency to cry at the drop of a hat. ACCURATE!
When it was my turn, Frankie 8 Fingers told me that I either haven't dated very many significant people OR I must date a lot of trash because my relationship line was sparse. The love of my life is still out there, he said. But apparently, I should abandon all hope of retiring rich. Meh - You win some, you lose some.
DAY 3: "Dumb & Dumber Plan Their Evening"
After running 13.1 miles on an injured ankle, I was essentially immobile. While icing my jacked up ankle and shivering from sunburn induced chills (Personal Policy: if you aren't as tan as you would like by final day of vacation- sunblock is stupid...as it turns out, I was stupid.), we talked about our evening plans.
ME: So, what should we do now?DAY 4: "THAT Conversation."
Mom: HBO has True Blood.
ME: Yeah, but what time? It's only 7.
Mom: Well, it doesn't start until June 26th, so we'll have to wait a while.
On the plane home, we sat next to a guy who looked like a Prince William Wannabe... Full lips, slightly horsey teeth, big green eyes, and a super receding hair line with future comb-over potential... And after chugging 2 glasses of Chardonnay in the Delta Sky Club, all I wanted to do was shout, "So, no socks eh? Tell me how that works for ya." However because it was only 2 glasses and not 4, I realized that this type of candor is only endearing to my friends and family. And according the the palm reader- I have to learn to censor myself. (HauteMess 1, Palm Reader 0)
My mom clearly noticed that he may be a young, single potential mate for me... And busted out the following conversation:
Mom: I have donated 10% of all your donations! Buy don't tell your dad- I used my own credit card so he won't know. *turning to boy* So are you married?At least she is a determined little bitch! :)
Him: No, but I have had a girlfriend for a long time. (obviously trying to give her a hint to lay off, but MamaMess fears no girlfriends)
Mom: I just want you to know what to expect. I taught my daughter at a young age to keep the change when her dad asked her to pay for things... then it backfired on me and she started keeping my change, too. I guess I taught her too well.
Me: Ha, except now I prefer total financial independence.
Mom: *sigh* Yeah- it totally backfired. Now she doesn't want to get married or have babies. *through gritted teeth* I NEED grandkids.
Me: *GASP* Wha? Really??? You're are having THIS conversation?
Mom: (to me) Yes. *turning back to him* They keep giving me grand-dogs, my son and her. And don't get me wrong, they are great dogs - but you can only put them in so many outfits.
Me: WOW. That's going on the blog.
Mom: *whispering to me* You are evil. EVIL I tell you. *turning back to him, batting her eyelashes and dripping with Southern Charm* Sooo, what do you do for a living? *smile*