Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Two Truths and a Lie - Answers Revealed

And now, the moment some of you have been waiting for... THE ANSWERS from Two Truths and a Lie!

I asked you to leave your guesses in the comments section and we had ONE winner!!  Shannon is the only one who knows me well enough to figure it out! 

So what is the truth?
1) I have been arrested for impersonating a federal officer during a prank phone call.

2) I got married, after drinking too much in a pub one night.

3) I once stalked Ashlee Simpson.

LIE: I have been arrested for impersonating a federal officer during a prank phone call.
For those of you who believed the Prank Call Arrest story - that DID happen...just not to me.  When my brother was 15 years old, he was booked in Juvenile Court for impersonating a Federal Officer while pranking people with hilarious sounding names that he picked out of the phone book.  I learned from his mistake and focused most of my prank calls on NON federal offenses...just run of the mill assholic offenses.  A personal favorite was calling fraternity guys, impersonating a receptionist at an OBGYN office, to confirm their girlfriends' ultrasound.


TRUTH: I once stalked Ashlee Simpson. 
I know this was very confusing for some of you.  This one is more like a HALF truth - I stalked her AND hit on her by drunken accident.  After a Fall Out Boy Concert in 2007, Pete Wentz was DJ-ing an after party at my favorite neighborhood dive bar.  It seemed so exciting at the time - Pete Wentz and a back-to-blonde-Ashlee Simpson in MY hood!  My roommate and I went hoping for a chance to meet some famous people.  Unfortunately, the band and their entourage sat in a makeshift VIP area, complete with rented velvet ropes and bottle service so that they could all avoid rubbing elbows with us commoners.  I was pissed!

And then I saw Ashlee standing up and walking out of VIP...I knew there was only one reason why anyone would leave the VIP snooty area: PEE TIME!  I quickly darted to the Ladies' Room and locked myself in one of the two stalls.  The security guards followed behind me, ushering Ashlee into the bathroom and forcing all "peasants" to evacuate the room and give her privacy.  I was already in a stall so security let me stay but told me to "hurry up." (whatever assholes...like I was going to sexually assault her or try to take a photo of her squatting...as if!")  So Ashlee and I peed next to each other and washed our hands together.

As the middle aged bathroom attendant handed her a paper towel, she told Ashlee that her hair looked better brown because the blonde hair "looked too much like Jessica," I interjected and told her that I thought she was "beautiful and didn't look like anyone but herself."  She smiled and graciously thanked me before running out of that bathroom at lightning speed.

I was left standing with a handful of soap, a disapproving bathroom attendant, and a distinct feeling that I had just stalked and hit on Ashlee Simpson for no legitimate reason at all.

TRUTH: I got married, after drinking too much in a pub one night.
I was a little shocked that no one guessed this was the lie...I suppose you all know me too well.  When I was 20 years old, I studied abroad at Oxford University in the UK.  I was sad to leave my boyfriend behind, but excited to live in a country where I could legally drink.  I drunk dialed my boyfriend every night before bed - as he was coming home from his shitty internship selling Yellow Pages advertising.  Needless to say - those were not my most compassionate hours in life, bragging about how wonderful my experiences were while he begged Fast Food Restaurant Managers to buy a $25 ad so he could get is $.50 commission.

During my tenure, I grew very close to the people I was living with and studying with.  We were all on a huge life adventure and bonded quickly over being far away from home and hungover everyday!  One day, a few friends started obsessing over the optimal gene pool combinations in the event that all other human life on earth was wiped out of existence EXCEPT for our study abroad group.  It was only a couple years after 9/11, and apparently that incident affected some of my study abroad mates deeply.  (At least deeply enough to have them imagining "Blue Lagoon 3: Oxford University")  They were obsessed with pairing people based on ideal genetic matches that would yield a super human race.

I have always been a fan of taking jokes one step too far.  If no one thinks to themselves, "Well that escalated quickly...." then I haven't done the job I was put on earth to do.  Drunken hypothetical doomsday conversations quickly turned into a matchmaking game, and the "mate" I was matched with just so happened to be 2 things.
1) Equally fond of taking jokes too far...or at least willing to do anything I asked him to do. And...
2) My cousin's ex boyfriend.  [It was a strange coincidence that he and I ended up in England together, not knowing each other prior to the trip, and even stranger that we were chosen as ideal genetic partners to repopulate the world...]  Cousin or no cousin, I had to play the hand I was dealt.

As a fun photo opportunity with a disposable camera - my "mate" enthusiastically proposed to me in Milan at sunset...ironically he used the silver eternity ring my cousin gave him during their relationship; the inside was inscribed "Forever and Always."  I wore it on my thumb.

After jokingly announcing our engagement to our classmates (but not my boyfriend back home), it was determined that someone would get ordained online and marry us in Oxford before all going home.  This sounded HILARIOUS!  It had to be done.  One week later, our 22 year old Engineering Major Minister flashed his newly printed certificate and announced that the time had come.  It was too late to back out then...

[Sidenote: during this time, pints of beer cost 4 quid but Irish Car bombs only cost 3.  The Oriel College Pub bar owner, Al, made our Irish Car bombs with a half pint of Guinness + 1 full shot of Jameson and 1 full shot of Bailey's....Binge drinking just made the most economical sense.]

3 Irish Car Bombs later, I announced that I was ready to become Mrs. WhateverHisLastNameWas.  I picked 4 bridesmaids.  I asked Al, the bartender, if he would give me away; he enthusiastically agreed.  I went around the bar inviting people to attend my wedding.  I was holding a brand new beer - so all I needed was something old,  something borrowed, and something blue.  From the corner of my eye, I spotted a girl wearing a blue zip up hoodie sweater.  I practically accosted her, slurring a very heartfelt invitation to my wedding before asking her how long ago she bought her blue sweater.  I nearly peed my pants when I found out it was 3 years old...which in clothing years is like ancient!  I asked if I could borrow her sweater for luck. 

My bridesmaids grabbed the fake flowers from the pub's cheap dining room decor and the wedding was under way....the next thing I knew, I was being escorted down an "aisle" of bar stools up to an "altar" at the bar by our friendly bartender.  As I happily gazed up at my future husband, we repeated the following vows to each other:
"I take you to be my drunkenly wedded wife/husband. I promise to have and to hold your beer through hangovers and health til sobriety we do part."

It was all fun and games until the Ordained Minister shouted, "By the powers vested in me by the world wide web, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife."  That is the exact moment that the gravity of the situation hit me...HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  I just kind of got married. In a bar. At age 20.  To not my boyfriend.

I wouldn't even let my husband kiss the bride but rather settle for a handshake.  I freaked the fuck out and begged for an "annulment." The Internet Ordained minister insisted that he didn't know how to perform an annulment...he was only ordained to "bring two souls together, not tear them apart."

I stood there with my borrowed sweater, holding plastic flowers, wearing someone else's ring on my thumb, and realized that I should probably drunk dial my boyfriend at home and tell him what happened before his fraternity brothers who were in attendance got to him first.

Needless to say, he wasn't very happy.  I don't think my marriage to someone else is the main reason he started cheating on me...but I am sure it did not help his low self esteem.  That was probably the first time he realized that he would never be enough for me...he would never be enough to stop me from marrying strange men I barely knew in bars.

Even though I didn't sign any legal documents and the marriage was never consummated, I sometimes secretly fear that I may be accidentally married still.  I kept Kyle's number in my phone as "Husband" for 8 years. I just deleted it this year when spring cleaning my cell phone address book.  I haven't consulted a lawyer or a judge - but I feel pretty confident that what happened in Oxford, stayed in Oxford.

14 comments:

  1. SisterMerryHellishJune 15, 2011 at 1:08 PM

    Holy Morgan Freeman what a story!  Are there pictures?  Please tell me there are pictures!  Of the drunken wedding.  Not Ashlee Simpsons.  The extra E and no Y kind of grate my nerves.

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  2. Haha I am also a fan of taking things a step too far! 

    I haven't had a wedding yet but I have had the hen night, a group of friends wanted to visit the strip club in town but decided they needed a reason to go...of course a hen night was laughingly suggested "that is a brilliant idea! SHOTGUN BRIDE!" hours later I had a veil, learner plates and was heading out on my hen night! I managed to get so drunk that I even convinced myself I was actually getting married and was completely insulted when a guy tried it on with me in the club! My friend had to sit me down and explain it was not real...what did she know!??? The night was sooo good, the strippers believed us, we got free drinks in the club and I even high fived a future bride who was on a real hen night after we compared engagement stories!I love taking things too far and the pretend hen night is probably one of the more placid thing I've done

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  3. Yes!  I have 1 engagement photo and 1 photo during our vows.  I will have to dig through old storage bins to get them out...but it is so worth it!  I promise to post the wedding pic!

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  4. And if the extra "E" is the only part of Ashlee Simpson that grates your nerves, you are a bigger fan than me! ;)

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  5. IN.LOVE.WITH.YOU!  

    The only time I faked an engagement was to do a little recon at a Bridal Convention with my friend who opened her own Invitation Business...she came to my house with a ring, proposed, I said yes and went with her to the convention center.  I ate cake samples, let people gush over me and my gorgeous wedding ideas (Dec 5, 2009 - Winter Wonderland theme) while my "planner" took down all the pricing and options information!   BUT your idea sounds SOOOO much cooler!

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  6. Hilariously Amazing! I wish I had been at your wedding!

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  7. I think my parents feel the same way! :)

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  8. Even though I have never met Ashlee Simpson, nor been to Oxford, I honestly feel like this could have happened to me.  In fact, I am kind of jealous it didn't.

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  9. What a hilarious story! The most I ever did when I was drunk and studying abroad in England was try to pick a fight with a tree...

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  10. This is a glorious story and I'm jealous it wasn't mine.

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  11. Haha...there's always time to make these things happen!  it's never too late to "fake marry" a stranger in a pub - maybe you can get Joe Simpson to officiate and then Ashlee could be your Maid of Honor!! :)  Ah...dreams!

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  12. I would be equally interested in pictures from that!! 

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  13. Ah, youth! I am almost jealous of 20 year old me...I almost feel lame now in comparison! ;)

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  14. haha, if only I had some! That was a bad night, back when I thought drinking straight shots of vodka before going out was a good idea. Yuck. I remember chasing it with diet Pepsi.

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