Monday, July 25, 2011

A HauteMess Weekend How To Guide

Ever have one of those weekends? You know the ones.  You have a Friday night of epic proportions - and you just know it couldn't possible get better....and then BOOM! Saturday happens and totally tops Friday.  Even though that is likely the apex of the weekend, it winds down with a lovely hangover Sunday.

Well, not to toot my own horn, but....TOOT! I have had three of those weekends in a row. In summary, "Sorry For Partying July" is too fucking awesome to keep to myself.  Simply follow these instructions, and you, too, can have the time of your life. (for the bargain price of just a little liver function)

Step 1: Champagne. Lots of it.
There just aren't enough champagne occasions, in my opinion, so I create my own constantly.  For those of you who are skeptical that champagne can fit into your everyday life - let me illustrate with all the occasions I managed to indulge this past weekend:
  • Business Meeting Friday at 4pm.  What's better than toasting to your friend/colleague at a bar with a glass of bubbly while you ponder the business questions you face.  It really lightens to mood. Trust.
  • Two Words: Cava Friday. (note: not all Cava Fridays include C@ck Cakes) This BYO-Bubbly happy hour with the girls is the only way to toast well wishes for a long and happy weekend!
  • Mimosa Brunch.  What's a classy gal to drink before noon on a Saturday? A little split of Cava with a dash of OJ, of course! It pairs nicely with Hash Brown Casserole.
  • Dress Up Your Pimm's Cup. For those of you who don't know, Pimm's is to Summer in England what a Mint Julep is to the Kentucky Derby.  Pimm's is a gin based liqueur typically mixed with sparkling lemonade, fresh fruit, and muddled mint.   Pimm's is best enjoyed in the sunshine, a day drink if you will. By simply adding a splash of champagne, you can create a ROYAL Pimm's Cup.  I don't know if Pippa recommends it - but my reco should hold WAY more clout! 
  • Host a Champagne BBQ.  Well, really it was BYOB...but Senorita CalienteMess and I chose to toast our Hebrew National Hot Dogs with a little Spanish National Cava. (Note: I hope the French don't hold that against me...I used Grey Poupon on the dog...) 
  • The French 75.  A gin and champagne cocktail (according to the menu) or a cognac and champagne cocktail (if you butter up the bartender and order it "vintage style").  It is insanely tasty, and the champagne glass is wildly fun to wave around in bars at 2am...but this little "innocent" drink can be responsible for transforming me from a Happy-Go-Lucky HauteMess to a Me-So-Sleepy HauteMess. I suppose it brought everything full circle - if my first drink of the day was champagne, my last drink was meant to be, as well. (Sorry for partying)

You know how much I love Harry Potter. Although Madame MarriedMess and I did NOT sneak champagne into this movie (as we did for Bridesmaids...which would have made a lovely addition to the list above...oops!), we did indulge in Sour Patch Kids, Curly Fries, and SnoCaps for a sweet sugar and carb high to carry us through the 2.5 hour finale of my decade long obsession.  The movie was PHENOMENAL...I laughed, I cried embarrassingly (similar to the time I watched Marley & Me on an airplane and the woman behind me tapped me on the shoulder to hand me some tissue to make me stop using my sleeves), and I vowed that I MUST watch it again.  It completes me.

Step 3: Jenga, Jenga, JENGA!
If you ever find yourself at Neon's (a bar in Cincinnati) - you MUST go outside and play Giant Jenga.  But note: if you are going to play Jenga in the inferno we now call Summers in Cincinnati - you should also play well. The 95 degree, sticky, humid night only fueled our intensity.  The rules were simple. 6 man Jenga, every man for himself. To up the ante create the most intense game of Jenga every played, we also determined that loser had to buy the next round. 
Note: I have never seen a group of people so unwilling to spend $30 in my life. 

We stretched the game out 6 rounds longer than we imagined...and twice as long as our counterparts on the other Jenga tower.  My turn sounded exactly like this each time:
"Oh my gawd, I am going to fucking barf from nervousness."
"I can't do this.  This is ridiculous."
"How is this things still standing?"
"Oh...wait....SHHHH. don't anyone move!"
"I said SHHH.....Awww yeeeah." 
"Booyah! You like that?"
(hold breath for 5 seconds and run away) "Hurry - your turn!"
"NOW, please gawd don't let there be 5 other loose blocks or I will fucking barf for real next time."

Step 4: A Carby Sunday Brunch and TV Marathon
You can spend your Sunday allowing The Fear* settle in while you lay in bed wondering where your life went wrong...OR you can say "The best offense is a good defense" and eat a boatload of biscuits and gravy and watch 2 entire seasons of Arrested Development, staving off The Fear just another day.

 *HauteMess Vocab Lesson: The Fear.
The Fear is the phenomenon that follows a weekend of binge drinking, when one is extremely tired and hungover. The fear causes feelings of panic, angst, paranoia, restlessness, irritability, and intense sweating. My neighbor boys in college told me that spooning on the couch was the only thing to cure The Fear on Sundays. They never allowed girls over on Sundays.... 

The most critical components to fighting The Fear are a Non Judgmental Brunch Location and Good/Lazy TV Company. 
  • My favorite spot is a local Country Diner where no matter what you do, you are guaranteed to be the best looking person there. Drink an ocean of vodka, cry makeup all down your face, neck & chest while sleeping on a newspaper? Wear plaid pajama pants with a polka dot nightdown on top? YES - STILL the hottest.   If you are going to eat biscuits, gravy, and eggs - why not do it where you don't have to worry about running into clients or hot single millionaires.  
  • My favorite couchmates for TV marathons are Bitchy Little Rat Dog, Senorita CalienteMess, and (recent addition) The Muchacho.   Key qualifications include: likes being petted/scratched, laughs OUT LOUD at funny TV, and slightly less lazy than me (i.e. willing to change the DVD when we run out of episodes)

Step 5: Sooki Stackhouse and Eric Northman finally get it on!
Naked Alexander Skarsgaard. 'Nuff said.


  1. Hope you don't mind a new follower. I couldn't help myself - you have enlightened me lol.
    I never had a name for that loathsome cloud of doom that inevitably befalls me every Sun/Mon... (and lets face it sometimes through to Tue) until now.Hilarious stuff, looking forward to reading many future hautemesses to come x

  2. Thanks for following - i love it!! That loathsome cloud of doom is responsible for so many bad pizza delivery decisions! And I can't prove it - but it may have been why I was never sober for more than 1 day in a row Senior Year of College. ;)

  3. I think that Sorry for Partying shouldn't end in July. I love hearing about it!

  4. I think it should be my new lifestyle! What do you think?

  5. Fact: Champagne goes straight to my vagina. Watch out, world.

    Also, I, too LOVE Harry Potter and snuck in wine in little juice boxes that they sell at Tar-hay-hay (Read: Target). I think our theater totally elected me Mayor of Awesome.

  6. I think I just fell in love.


    Blog love is the new black.

    I just started blogging, so puh-leaze stop by mine any time, my dear heart.



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