Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Sorry for Being Too Busy/Drunk to Blog...Until Now

First, I want to apologize to you all for being one big ball of SUCK in the "online blog posting" department.  I promise you that it is only because I have been trying not to suck at every other aspect of life.  Between busy season at work and my laziness in the housework department - I worked nonstop from 7am to Midnight all last week...mostly dusting and picking up dog fur.  I then spent the weekend with my Brother and SisterMess dirtying up my perfectly cleaned home and draining the city of its booze reserves  

In summary, in the past 7 Days I have been a stellar employee, a loving sister, a suzy home-maker, a BBQ hostess with the mostest, a Jort-Stylist extraordinaire, and an absentee Blogger.  For that, I apologize.  Sorry for partying.


Jortstock IV: Thigh's The Limit:  It was an amazing party hosted by my former MFFBF (mother fucking fake boyfriend) - I attended this special event in a pair of cut off men's jeans, suspenders, and a tuxedo tee shirt.  For flair, I attached Saved By the Bell pins to my suspenders, clipped in my fiberoptic extensions, and donned my glowstick glasses.
Much like Native Americans, we tried not to waste any of the denim carcass.  I am still picking up strips and shreds of denim from the 4 hour long BBQ pre-party/Jort-styling event I held before the main event.

Madame MarriedMess fashioned denim bowties, denim hair extensions, denim anklets and bracelets, and denim headbands from the discarded jort legs.  Senorita CalienteMess rocked a full length, bedazzled denim coat with Indian print patterns done in glitter puff paint.  Mademoiselle BlondeMess got jiggy with a prison jumpsuit, turning it into one hot ass onesie! (it came complete with Zig Zags in the pocket...unfortunately those weren't discovered until sometime during the spin cycle oft the washer)  We looked incredible.

If I ever find my camera, I promise to share some pictures.

NEW OBSESSION: While playing Flip Cup at Jortstock, a new invention was revealed.... It's a flamingo. It's a beer bong. It's the FLA-BONG-O!!!
Note: I found this on google...I don't know them..
Mark my words, this WILL be at my next party!  Fortunately for me, SisterMess won't be at that next party.  I can't be certain if the Flabongo is to blame, but I had to chose to throw away my bedroom trashcan rather than cleaning her "Sorry For Partying" remnants out of it.

NEW OBSESSION #2: Parks & Recreation.  I added it to my Netflix Queue after The Muchacho introduced me to it ... and I watched all 30 episodes in like 9 days.  Amy Poeler and Aziz Ansari make me laugh so hard that I fear I may lose my bladder control.

OK CUPID: As expected...the creeps on OK Cupid are still actively seeking out women to molest with the written word. I now present you with my favorite excerpts from these poets.
"Embarrassing nicknames: Cold sore (I don't actually have cold cores, its a reference to what a potential suitor of mine said to me)... (ed. note: SURE you don't)

"My good friend actually had a limp on experience recently (which we found out about from the girl, not the friend) which was quite hilarious. Apparently, when he could ram his slug into her goods, he proclaimed 'im too big' with his softie slinking around. Sigh." (ed. note: I just barfed in my mouth.)

Enjoy your week!  I promise to be back with more updates, possibly even a rant, and a whole list of #singlewhitegirl problems ranging from broken bedazzlers to the famous Tupac vs. Biggie debate.


  1. You being a valuable citizen of society is taking away from us reading your updates! Geeshh lol.



    I need one of those.  And then I will fill it with margaritas.


  3. I promise it won't happen too often!  But - I may have never learned how to turn the discarded legs of Jorts into a bowtie had I not taken a break!! ;)

  4. That is one massive cold headache waiting to happen!  Ouch!  (yet, I still don't think I could walk away from that challenge....)

  5. First I love your blog it is making me smile and that is fantastic! Second, I too am obsessed with Parks & Rec. I can't really decide who makes me laugh most, it changes on a day-to-day. And lastly... FLABONGO!!!! I will be making one and forcing it upon friends at my next shin-dig.

    you rock. that is all.

  6. FLABONGO looks/sounds like a crap ton of fun, I may have to try this at home first though. 

    I love love bedazzling anything I can get my hands on and any excuse to wear said junk out of the house! 



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