Tuesday, September 13, 2011

What's Next? A DOWRY?

I recently picked up on the totally obvious subtle hints from my father that he is ready to marry me off.

My Dad went to his 45th High School Reunion a couple weeks ago and reconnected with a long lost pal. He found out that this pal's son (a successful environmental engineer) is single...and lives in Cincinnati.

I am sure his thought process went something like this:
"My daughter CLEARLY isn't getting any younger, AND her taste in men is suspect.  So now it is up to me to find someone to marry my daughter before she becomes a modern day (i.e. crass) Emily Dickinson."

He has told me not once, not twice, BUT THRICE all about how cool his friend's son sounds, and how I need to call him and be friends. Each time, I nod in fake agreement and say, "Yeah sure. Just get me the contact info."  HA! I knew I had him there.  I was POSITIVE that he didn't get the contact info from his friend and wouldn't be able to figure out how to get it.

Well, damn fucking Facebook. 

My parents know firsthand how easy it is to stalk people on the reg from Facebook. My mom has had a Facebook account for 3 years and just stopped writing 'Thank You' notes on my friends' walls for being such good friends to me while growing up...she is now into the harder stuff: Photos, Places, and 'trolling status updates for clues.

For years, my dad was happy to stalk from over my mom's shoulder, glancing at our lives from a computer screen.  Recently, he graduated into full-on hacking mom's account so he could creep around on Facebook from his BlackBerry. (Note: My dad can't figure out how to use the 'SHIFT' key when emailing, so he types in all caps....but somehow figured out how to hack my mom's Facebook account from his phone. I don't know if that is REAL irony - but I bet it fits the Alanis Morrisette definition fairly well.)

AND THEN... YESTERDAY.... in my inbox....it was staring me in the face.....THE DAD FRIEND REQUEST.  Seconds later...the phone call from "Home" asking me to accept the request.

Since my Dad doesn't know how to type without cyber-shouting, he just stood over my mom's shoulder and dictated to her what to say on his shiny, new profile.  Then having her call me when she couldn't figure out how to add or change something.  I spent the better part of my hangover Sunday watching his friend list grow steadily with The Muchacho, SisterMess, Senorita CalienteMess, Mademoiselle BlondeMess, Mr. GayMess, and 57 of my other friends.

Anyhow, long story short, he joined Facebook for the sole purpose of joining his high school reunion Facebook Group.  This allowed him to contact his old "pal" and promptly acquire the son's contact information.  Coincidence?? I think NOT!

Being that I just decided to follow the "No Thank You Bite" approach - I had to bite off a big chunk of one of my worst nightmares...following through on a parental set up. (Parental date set up is right behind behing tipped over in a port-a-potty, door side down!) 

However, I refuse to let this newfound slyness get out of control, so I sent my parents the following email (real email, I swear) shortly after crafting one of the universe's most awkward Facebook Messages:
Dear Mom and Dad,
Please Note: I am not oblivious to the fact that this is a set up. However, I like you both enough to pick my battles. But please be warned, I draw the line at publicly offering a dowry on eBay.

No word yet from the potential suitor - but I will let you know if I ever hear back from him and he isn't creeped out.


  1. Your dad is soCLOSE to figuring out how to use his inside voice over the internet. I can feel it. He hacked into your mom's FB and this pretty impressive. Hopefully, this set up doesn't end in embarrassment for your family.


  2. I'm not sure what to wish for.  On the one hand I hope he's a fantastic guy, the love of your life!  Or just the best one night stand you ever had.  Whatever.

    OR, the worst date, that doesn't end in therapy or jail time, you've ever had so your parents don't do this to you again.


  3. That's actually quite hilarious. I think if my parents had any friends with children they would be trying to marry me off as well. I guess sometimes having an anti-social father and a mother who managed to be friends with only the gays and couples that didn't ever reproduce might be a good thing.

  4. Parents are hilarious. My mom and even my stepmom have been trying to marry me off to every rich man they can find even though I have a boyfriend. Apparently I am not doing a good job of proving I can handle the selection process on my own. 

  5. Yes - I think it may have something to do with not wanting to pay for the wedding...or being able to live in a REALLY nice retirement home that drives them to push us towards rich men! :)

  6. If it helps your decision...this guy looks very cute in his facebook profile picture...and he definitely works out.  BUT I don't want to encourage my parents.  SO - maybe we can go out on a date, make out profusely, then somehow he acts like a jerk.  So that way, I get some man candy for a night but STILL keep my parents off my back!

  7. LUCKY!  My mom looks longingly at other people's grandkids all the time...wishing and hoping that I will get knocked up so she can hold my hand through the entire horrific process... I SWEAR that is the only reason she wants me to marry!

    P.S. Your mother sounds FAB! I love the sound of her friends!

  8. Oh - he is certain to embarrass us.... but as long as it isn't me doing it this time, that will be a win!! :)

  9. Holy hell, I couldn't stop literally laughing out loud while reading this post AT WORK. So, thanks for making me look like a psycho in front of my colleagues and customers...

    I went on three dates with this one guy my mom and her friend had pushed me towards. He was nice, intelligent, and had an adventurous life, but was totally unattractive. I really only kept meeting him so I could use him as my tandem sky diving buddy since he was certified. I think he caught onto the ruse cuz I never heard from him again after the third date... whoopsie, sorry Mom.



Related Posts with Thumbnails