Monday, October 17, 2011

The Hottest US Presidents: My New Obsession


Have you ever had one of those nights where you and your friends get so engrossed in a conversation that you can’t pull yourself out ?  Even when others around you beg you to “PUH- LEASE! Stop talking about Alexander Hamilton!”  Yet, you are certain that if they just listen to this one more fun fact, they, too, will fall in love with the Aaron Burr vs Alexander Hamilton duel as much as you did!

While wine buzzed, my friends and I started chatting about presidents.  It started very innocently; someone asked, “Which street does BlondeMess live on?”
“I forget.  But I DO know that it is the name of one of the presidents. Not Adams. Not Madison.”
“Franklin?”
“There was no President Franklin, jackass.”
“What about BEN Franklin…JACKASS?”
“I will bet you any amount of money that he was never president.  Google it.”

We proceeded to google “Lists of presidents.”  While perusing the list of names, it suddenly seemed very important to me to remember which president died after catching pneumonia during his Inaugural Speech.  While poring over the list of names, I also felt that it was CRITICAL to figure out who the hottest presidents are… (sidenote: I was right...Ben Franklin was never president)

For some reason I thought I remembered a teacher telling me that Woodrow Wilson was hot. (With a name like “Woodrow,” you would have to be right?) FAIL. 

So I decided to take a crack at guessing who was hot, since I really don’t know what most men from the 19th century looked like.  My first guess: “Zachary Taylor.”  I recognize a hot guy name when I see one – like a cross between Zack Morris and Jonathon Taylor Thomas – he had to be hot, right? RIGHT! SCORE. Old “Rough and Ready” was much better looking than Woodrow Wilson and with a nickname like that, I can only assume he had his share of interns bent over the Oval Office desk well before good old Willy.

All of this enthralling conversation and googling led us to THE BEST ARTICLE I have ever seen on this subject. “Top 43 Sexiest U.S. Presidents” on Nerve.com.

We feverishly read through the list, cackling over the hilarious justifications for the ranking...because lets be honest, politicians are NOT known for being hot...much less politicians of the 18th and 19th centuries.  (TV may be a cause for falling test scores and increasing waist sizes, but we will be forever indebted to its contribution to the Hotness level of politicians.)

As we neared the end of the list, counting down from 43, we tried to guess the top 3.  Racking our brains, "Who is missing?? Obama. Kennedy. And who...."  As we scrolled down the list slowly...

#3 - Obama

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#2... Kennedy ??? (GASP! - literally, men and women alike, our entire group gasped!)
 
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#1?!?!  The Hottest President of the United States also happened to be THE most badass President... 
 
Teddy Roosevelt! a.k.a. The ORIGINAL Chuck Norris

He was a ninja (black belt in Jujitsu, for realz), a pistol totin' cowboy,  New York City Police Commissioner (where he would regularly walk officers' beats late at night and early in the morning to make sure they were on duty), Assistant Secretary of the Navy, Governor of New York, a war hero, and a Badger Owner. (source)

Honey Badger don't give a shit?? NO. Teddy Roosevelt didn't give a shit.  In 1903, during a parade in Kansas,  while most Americans were waving miniature flags and throwing flowers, a badass little girl (no doubt a member of my distant family tree) launched a live badger at the President.  Most Presidents would have executed that badger and had that girl arrested, waterboarded, and killed.

Not T.R.  He kept the badger as a pet, naming him Josiah, and let Josiah scamper around the white house nipping at people's heels.  However, as a fellow blogger over at Cracked.com said,
"It should be noted that getting your heels bitten by a wild badger was the least-violent greeting one could hope for when passing through the Roosevelt White House."
In an attempt not to plagiarize every awesome site about my new favorite Dream Boat, I leave you with one last anecdote about our Hottest President.  In 1912, while campaigning, T.R. stopped to give a speech in Milwaukee, WI. There, he was shot in the chest during a failed assassination attempt; his team urged him to go to a hospital and seek immediate medical treatment, but he just shrugged it off and insisted on giving his speech.

Yes, that's right. Teddy Roosevelt stood in front of a crowd of proud Americans with a fresh gunshot wound to the chest.  He opened this speech with:
 "Friends, I shall ask you to be as quiet as possible. I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose.

Upon hearing of T.R.'s death in 1919 (with that 7 year old bullet still in his chest), Vice President Thomas R. Marshall said,
"Death had to take him in his sleep, for if he was awake there'd have been a fight." 

BAD.ASS.  I am now historically in love. 

9 comments:

  1. I argued with my husband as recently as a week ago over the perceived hotness of Bill Clinton. He doesn't get it and insists no other woman besides me, Hillary, and ML feel this way. It is a stupidly engrossing conversation. 

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  2. "Historically in love." Amazing. I have a crush on an philosopher from the late 1800s. He's my soul mate except we met a few (litotes) years too late. 

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  3. I think I may have a new found love for TR as well...but I still think Kennedy followed by Obama are the hottest

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  4. Franklin Pierce, boom. You know he was a womanizer. 

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  5. Franklin Pierce, boom. You know he was a womanizer 

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  6. I mean - classically speaking, he isn't who you would consider attractive. BUT - he definitely has swagger! Horrible taste in women, but swagger!

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  7. Ooh - I need to hear more about this philosopher!  BUT - in a cage match, I still bet Teddy would win. ;)

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  8. Yes, if you like those classically handsome & physically fit types! :)

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  9. Ah! Franklin P - the original Jew fro combover!  I bet ladies loved running their fingers through his hair!

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