Monday, December 12, 2011

Brave New World

This weekend I did something brave. I took a chance. And I am so happy that I did.

My definition of true bravery is when you take a risk to get something you want, knowing that the odds aren’t in your favor. (Bravery is a lot like stupidity in that way…) Cowardice is letting the two most dangerous words in the English language build a duplex in your head and retire there. Those two words are “What if?”

 This past weekend, I evicted “What” and “If” from my brain. (they are now carrying cloth bags on the end of a stick as they hitchhike along the railroad in their straw hats and jagged hem jeans) (get it? Because they are homeless now!) (But not the sad kind of homeless – more like a Loony Tunes character kind of homeless)

If you read my last post, you know that I made a conscious decision to share my innermost, scariest “What If.” It wasn’t until I actually (re)read the post for the 6th time that I realized I was so over holding onto just a possibility. I was ready for more than putting up walls, burying feelings, and having to answer all my friends’ questions about what was really going on between us.

 So I took a chance. I said, “Fuck it!”

 While channeling the Dickens’ Ghost of Christmas Present for my annual Christmas Party (wearing a Little Black Dress complete with a Christmas wreath hairpiece, pure gold glitter that I glued to my eyelids, cheesy Christmas ornament earrings, and a true spirit of hedonism), I laid it all on the line.

I will spare you the gory details involving copious amounts of red wine and glitter filled tears. Let’s just leave it at this: his reply was the exact answer I needed to hear. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was everything I needed to get rid of “What If.”

And honestly, other than the gold glitter stuck to my pillowcases, I regret nothing. I took a risk, I lost, and I didn’t die. I don’t know who is next on my great journey to finding my partner in crime – but I do know that I am more ready now than I was last week.

 Je ne regrette rien.

4 comments:

  1. so ten years ago I did the same thing with my then best friend. he pretty much let me know he wasn't interested. we stayed friends, it was REALLY hard. now he is my husband. the truth is we never know what will happen in the future...and i applaud you for taking the risk and being true to your feelings. had i never made that AWFUL phone call to him.... he may have never had a chance to reject me, then realize many many months later that we were meant to be together. 
    im sorry if this is cheesy. but it isnt a romcom, it's really what happened! 

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  2. Wow, well-written, lady! You are certainly braver than a lot of us and while I sympathize with you that it didn't have the ideal beginning/ending, at least you KNOW.

    "I took a risk, I lost, I didn't die." <--Love this! I feel that way too sometimes. Amid my lowest of the low breakdowns, when I'm heaving and sobbing so much I feel like I might die of asphyxiation, I somehow suddenly stop and realize that I actually didn't die. And sometimes, knowing that something didn't kill you, can make you want to live.

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  3. It's better to take a chance and get rejected than to be wondering what if for the rest of your life. I applaud you.

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  4. Ditto, so proud of you sister. This is living, all in, no regrets. Xoxo

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