Monday, January 23, 2012

I Don't Believe in Love Anymore

In 2005, when I read the SHOCKING and heartbreaking news that Jessica Simpson was filing for divorce from Nick Lachey, I exclaimed, "WHAT? NO! Not them!  I thought they were truly in love! At least I still have Brad and Jen." [insert #singlewhitegirlproblems here]

Then in early 2006 when Brad and Jen announced that Angelina Jolie is a homewrecker they were calling it quits, I spiralled.  At that time in my life, I was ending a 3.5 year relationship with a womanizer - so it all just created what I like to call the 2006 Bitch Trifecta.  I swore off relationships.  I swore off being nice to guys.  I made out with almost anyone who got me drunk enough - but I turned down every single date request and/or hook up request.  Some light public face-sucking was fine....just as long as it never led to any emotions.

To this day, the sight of Angelina Jolie reminds me of crushed dreams and broken hearts.

But I have healed since then....I have grown and matured, and found new Hollywood couples to place my irrational hopes and dreams on.  As long as Heidi and Seal are still together, like a beacon of hope, I'll be okay.

WAIT....WHAT?!?!  HEIDI AND SEAL ARE GETTING A DIVORCE???? [insert hair pulling sequence here]

BUT.I.LOVE.THEM!
I love all their awesome costumes. (See Above: For their 2009 vow renewal, they dressed up like rednecks! WINNERS!)  He proposed in a fucking IGLOO! I mean...how badly does this guy have to fuck up to not realize Heidi is THE BEST HE WILL EVER DO!   I am just beside myself. I haven't been this sad about something totally irrelevant to my daily life since Elizabeth Taylor died

In my fragile state, please don't let anything else bad happen...I don't want a repeat of the 2006 Make Out Slut Trifecta. If Betty White dies, hide the knives, pills, & shoelaces...it will be a difficult winter!


11 comments:

  1. I woke up the other morning, saw that Heidi Klum and Seal were divorcing and promptly went back to bed. If Betty White dies (that's right, if), I say we just have an international day of mourning where all we do is eat cheesecake, watch The Golden Girls and her appearances on Match Game while sobbing quietly and donating money to all those animal charities she loves so much.

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  2. Wow, that is kind of shocking, they seemed like they were really in love. But I bet Seal's high level of patience finally wore thin-- if I had to live with Heidi, I'd probably pop a vein.

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  3. Awww they are so cute though!! OOh no don't even say something crazy like Betty White dying...I might have a serious meltdown 

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  4. I have already thrown salt over my shoulder! 

    I loved Heidi and Seal...I feel so duped! I thought they were soul mates...but apparently our souls change every 7 years. :(

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  5. I totally thought they were in love! Sight.  If Heidi's hotness isn't enough to keep a man...is there hope for me? ;)

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  6. Not that I ever want it to happen....but that is EXACTLY what we will do! I almost put on a shawl, ordered a slice of vegan cheesecake, and settled in for a brief marathon this evening.  BUT then I thought that may be bad luck.

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  7. He seems really awesome, and she seems like a psycho-- I don't know either of them, so I can't say for sure, but based upon what I've seen on TV I can make that assumption.

    Of course there's hope for you. you're beautiful :) And it's not all about looks, a point of view and kindness goes a long way.

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  8. You are too sweet! And totally right. 

    I always like Heidi on Project Runway...but I haven't watched it in a while, so maybe she has changed her tune?

    Either way - I really thought they were happy.  But I guess they just had a really good publicist.

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  9. We should probably send some sort of letter to the world's leaders and let them know about this, just in case. I'm sure they will need to file some paperwork and organize a parade in her honor.

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  10. I am mourning for them as well. That and the Dooce/Blurb split. I need examples of famous people making it work!

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  11. Okay, so true.  If Will and Kate ever split, I am throwing myself off a bridge.  I can't live without their love.  I CAN'T!

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