Monday, February 13, 2012

Valentine's Day: A Survival Guide

Valentine's Day is very possibly the most disappointing day of the year for most people.  Those who are coupled up are subject to impossibly high expectations set by movies and commercials.  Those who are single are told to feel lonely and sad by those same industries.  To which I say, "Go fly a fucking kite! I don't give a shit about being single; this will still be an incredible day!"

In my 29 years on this Earth, I have a losing record with Valentine's Days...but I remain optimistic! And here are my secrets to survival:

Surviving Valentine's Day: A HauteMess How-To
  1. Set expectations low.  If you have been disappointed in the past, channel those feelings...remember how bad the day can be.  If you have never had a bad V-Day, read all about mine and feel lucky.  By setting your bar REALLY low, it is almost impossible to be disappointed. (Just don't stand too close to open flames, do NOT call your ex, and if there is a chance that George Clooney is in your town, always wear a bra!)
  2. Play dress-up. I am talking costume jewelry, red lipstick, and as many pink things as you own.  This tip is all about deflection - you never have to talk about your love life if the only thing people are talking about is how great/festive you look or just your choice to wear sequins before noon.   
  3. Buy yourself a gift BEFORE Valentine's Day. Give yourself a gift and wear it/use it all day on V-Day.   You can rock your new lust-worthy shoes and sparkly earrings all day to make the other ladies jelly as all the other ladies stew in anticipation to unwrap some disappointing box of chocolates. (After all, who knows your tastes better than you!)  I will be wearing my new pink oxfords with my new pink gingham button-up all day Tuesday. (They will be paired with red lipstick and vintage rhinestone earrings in accordance to Survival Tip #2 above)
  4. Make plans with friends.  The day is about LOVE.  I love my friends.  I don't need to be sucking face with some guy to feel loved and blessed.  This year, a very pregnant Madame MarriedMess, Senorita CalienteMess, and I will be going to a restaurant with a delicious 5-course menu!  Our goal is to confuse our waitress, like in SATC Movie when Carrie and Miranda went to dinner for Valentine's Day and the waitress referred to Carrie as the "girlfriend."  If we can convince anyone that we are a lesbian threesome awaiting the birth of our first child, we win! Plain and simple: we. win. 
  5. Champagne.  As you know, I love champagne so very much!  I believe there can never be enough champagne occassions. Bubbles make everything better. Toast to yourself and an amazing year ahead of you!  
  6. Golden Girls: Season 4, Episode 15....WATCH IT. 

Do you have any other tips to making it an awesome day?

4 comments:

  1. great tips! i need to break out the bling and pink tonight and pre-plan this outfit!

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  2. Great tips! I am going to keep my fingers crossed you guys manage to convince the waitress because that is a huge win! 

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  3. I.Love.You. For these tips… just thought I should elaborate for fear of sounding creepy…
    Hope you have very HauteMessy Valentines Day xox

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  4. I would rather just stay home and pretend it's just another day. It won't be difficult because IT IS JUST ANOTHER DAY.

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