The Big "C"
I have mentioned before that my Dad has aggressive stomach cancer. (Hence my whole quarter life crisis "I'm becoming vegan" decision...more on that below) He has made it through his first round of chemo and has already improved drastically. Now that he can finally eat again, his doctors have prescribed weight gain as an absolute necessity (since he lost 50lbs this winter). He is eating like a middle school boy...or like I would if I was on death row. Cupcakes, candy bars, pizza, coca-cola - he is eating anything he feels like, and he is so much happier than when he was constantly starving This is a nice calm in the storm. Then, in April they will surgically remove his stomach, and in May they will start daily radiation and chemo again. In short, we have a long road ahead of us still...and it is scary. My PapaMess has cancer.
This single fact has fundamentally changed my life in ways I could never have predicted.
Two years ago, I would have assumed that this type of news would have turned me into a SUPER HauteMess - drinking my sorrows away, making questionable decisions about who to make out with, and generally embarrassing myself in the most hilarious ways possible. Instead, it has turned me into a homebody. If I do get invitations to go out, I get so in my head about logistics - driving, parking, getting myself home, bed time, etc - and usually just end up saying, "No thanks."
I have no desire to drink alcohol anymore. (probably because it makes me emotional...and crying in public is so 2009) I want to connect with my friends, but I don't always know how anymore. So, I spend a lot of time alone with Bitchy Little Rat Dog. We walk and hike and watch TV and cuddle...it's all very nice...and all very, very boring.
I know this may sound weird, but this behavior worries me more than any of my previous drunken predilections. I sure hope this isn't what growing up feels like, because I am freaking myself the fuck out...
Still Carrying My V Card (as in Vegan)
I am 2.5 months in and going strong with my new resolve to be a vegan. And I haven't lost a single pound. (WTF?) I have only cheated with cheese on pizza a couple times...and I have absolutely no shame in that game. However, recently I started reading a nutrition book called "Vegan for Life" and I am convinced that I used to walk around in a constantly malnourished state...and frankly, I don't know if I can possibly eat enough food to get all the recommended vitamins and minerals this book suggests. Apparently, I am on the verge of falling over and dying soon if I don't start taking a multi-vitamin.
Other key takeaways from "Vegan for Life:"
- I need to develop a loving relationship with collard greens.St. Patrick WHO?
- Since I switched to all natural sea salt, I am likely becoming iodine deficient. If I don't take an iodine supplement soon, I probably should call UNICEF.
- Sunblock prevents your body from making Vitamin D from the sun...so it's a toss up between osteoporosis or skin cancer.
- I seriously need to read some more fun books...any suggestions?
One of my favorite holidays of the year is this weekend - St. Patrick's Day on a Saturday = Best.Day.Ever. ..... Except..... I have no desire to drink or participate. I feel like I need to force myself to go through the motions, and maybe it will be like riding a bike. (sidebar: whoever coined that phrase clearly doesn't understand how hard it is to pick up bike riding 15 years later) Maybe my "muscle memory" will kick in and I will just instinctively want to pound Irish Car Bombs while listening to Irish Punk music at a place called Molly Malone's.... but getting myself out of bed and to the bar feels. so. hard. Anyone have motivational tips?
Wedding Season on Steroids this Year
Hopefully, I will have my shit together in time for wedding season this year since I have one in two weeks and then I have 6 weddings in a 7 week span in May/June. So look forward to rants about not getting "plus ones" and drinking on an empty stomach. (Because you KNOW wedding caterers don't serve vegan!) And fun stories about bachelorette weekends in Key West and late nights playing flip cup with my cousins. I hope that I can enjoy all of those experiences fully...even though they all take place during one of the most horrendous periods of my family's life.
So if you don't mind, please send me your prayers/thoughts/love/mojo - I think I could really use it these days! And please don't give up on me, the blog and I will get through this rough patch.