Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Book Report: Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy

Soooo....in case you didn't know, I love reading age inappropriate books - especially those that include vampires or children killing each other for sport.  So when a blog friend of mine recommended that I read "Fifty Shades of Grey" AND  I found out it was a trilogy AND I heard that Ian Somerhalder is hoping to be cast in the movie - that is one serious Trifecta I could not ignore.

Much to my own surprise (and dismay) I devoured all three books in 4 days. It was a very serious addiction. (note: #singlewhitegirlproblems)  I have been DYING to talk about it - so I present you with my first book report of 2012...

Literary S&M: This Book Abused My Brain And I Loved It...
A Book Report by Mademoiselle HauteMess
The best way to compare the way I feel about these books is as an abusive relationship.
When I first started the book, I wasn't totally sure how I felt about it, but I quickly fell in love.  I loved it in spite of the fact that it had mixed reviews on Amazon and is widely considered "mommy porn." (whatever that means)  Whenever the book insulted me and I vowed to put it down- it was quick to apologize and draw me back in with its pulse quickening cliffhangers. Every time I tried to quit, I found myself coming back.  I cancelled plans with friends to spend more time with it. I lost sleep over it. (stayed up until 6am on night, 7:30am the next, and 4 am on Day 4....)
It was exhilarating to read, yet I was embarrassed. I knew I couldn't tell my mom about it because I knew she wouldn't approve. This book manipulated me into loving the hell out of it in spite of the fact that it made me hate myself just a little bit for loving it so much. [end relationship comparison]
But seriously, this book is basically what Twilight would have been like if Stephenie Meyer wasn't mormon. Ana Steele, a young innocent, beautifully alluring girl who has never had a boyfriend meets an older, stunning, rich and powerful man named Christian Grey. He falls in love with her in spite of the fact that his natural instinct is to harm her.   The biggest difference is that in this book, they don't hold out until book 4 to fuck like bunnies...which brings me to: My Key Take-Aways & Criticisms of these books

1. The Non Existent Male Refractory Period: Christian Grey is not only handsome and wealthy, he is also constantly harder that a diamond in an ice storm.  That mofo can recover after sex and is ready to go again within seconds.  I have NEVER met a 27 year old male who could have sex three to four times in a row without so much as a nap or some gatorade. E L James apparently is either a virgin or has been very very lucky so far in life.

2. Careless Treatment of the Urinary Tract: I bet it burns when they pee since THEY NEVER PEE AFTER SEX! This is rookie mistake numero uno.  You must pee after sex or you will eventually get a urinary tract infection (UTI).  It. will. happen. As much as Christian is worried about Ana's health and taking care of herself, I find it highly unlikely he wouldn't urge her to pee after sex to maintain urinary tract health. And,  I seriously doubt the author would find it distasteful to discuss since she went into detail about the tampon removal during period sex...yes, I hate myself for loving that part, too. Sigh.

3. "NO ONE Has That Many Orgasms Their First Time" and Other Disappointing News for Virgins: In case there are any virgins who read these books and are reading my blog now, I have a VERY important message for you: THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN YOUR FIRST TIME.  Your first time will be awkward and a little painful...it may not hurt the whole time, but you probable won't have three orgasms.  This doesn't mean you are doing it wrong...it just means you are human.  Also, Nipple orgasms are only reported in a very small percentage of women - so this also isn't likely going to happen. And finally, a majority of women cannot achieve orgasms from intercourse alone..hands, tongues, sex toys, or some form of additional stimulation is needed. And when it does happen - it will not happen just because your partner tells you to and it very very very rarely will happen at the exact moment that he climaxes.  All that said - if Mr. Grey is so good that this is commonplace for him, then....

4. Am I Doing It Wrong? a.k.a. I Need To Find Christian Grey Immediately. God I love him...  There are several things I could do without (his need to flog and beat brunettes being the top of that list) - yet he captivates me in a way that I am embarrassed to admit. I wish I didn't find it sooo sexy to convert a bad boy into a devoted partner, but there is something so exciting about being the one to fix a bad boy like him...deeply rooted damage, commitment issues, and all.  (clearly, this is why I am still single and this book is still fiction)  
Also, he clearly adores Ana...and that is all I want. I don't care as much about looks, success or personally as I much as I care about how a guy makes me feel when I am with him. I just want to feel adored. I want to be on a pedestal. Lord knows I have had my fair share of hot guys who make me feel like shit.  But, Christian Grey gave me hope again. (and please, let me re-iterate that I hate myself for writing that last sentence...)
Plus he clearly knows how to satisfy a woman...

So please don't judge me when I tell you that I recommend you start reading Book 1 right now and don't stop until you are finished with all three! AND, if you know a young CEO who is willing to shower me with love, gifts, and orgasms - please send me his contact info immediately!!

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