Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Dear Ex Boyfriends...

This past weekend, an old mistake of mine contacted me at 2:30am on Friday night from a new number....that's what the kids call a "booty call," I believe.  His audacity infuriated me...yet I know how this game works all too well. He texts me, I reply back asking him to lose my number, he replies back with something charming and apologetic and BAM - he thinks he's back in.  I already know that it is best not to engage the beast.  So, I added his number to my growing list of Parental Control Blocked numbers on my phone and decided to write what I wish I could say to him for the blog's eyes only:
Dear Ex (asshole) Boyfriend- 
Please stop contacting me. You will never love me enough to deserve me, and I will never hate myself enough to let you prove that again.
- Mlle. HM 
Writing the letter was exhilarating...for someone whose natural tendencies on the "Fight or Flight" spectrum err of the side of "run as fast as you fucking can," I found this exercise to be cathartic. There are so many things that have gone unsaid with some of the past characters in my life.

I was inspired.  So I decided to write a few more "texts" to the former and future men of my life...
Dear Guy I Believed Was "The One"- 
Even after we broke up, when you went through hell- I was there to listen. When you celebrated, I said congratulations. But recently, when I went through hell and needed support and friendship? Crickets.
It took me too long to realize this, but I finally did. You always made me feel totally alone- even when we were together.
Thanks for letting me finally let you go.
Sincerely, Mlle. HM 
[Thanks Gotye for the lyrical inspiration there]

Dear Guy I Thought I Wanted To Be "The One"- 
Thank you for moving on first - your choice in women quickly made me realize all the reasons you were never the one.
Cordially, Mlle. HM 
And finally....with hope....
Dear Future Husband- 
Thank you for being worth the wait.  And thanks for Naked Sundays ... I always wanted to do that. ;)
Always Yours, Mlle. HM


  1. I write these "Dear John, get gone..." letters all the time.  They're great therapy.  Great post! :)

  2. That first one is the most perfect thing ever to say!  I'm memorizing it!

  3. GertrudeHopsingerMay 30, 2012 at 10:20 AM

    I loved them all, especially the last one. Here's to your FH and for many naked Sundays to come. :)

  4. Naked Sundays...wonder if my hubby would like that (provided the kid were elsewhere)? :-P

  5. I love that - I have never heard it called "Dear John, get gone" but I absolutely love it! :) Maybe you can share your best ones here?

  6. Thanks - I so wanted to text it to him...but posting it here was way better. 

  7. Hear, hear! I could write a whole post to my future husband about all the awesomeness and awfulness he should be prepared for.

  8. Hehe! Sounds like an adult vacation activity ... send the kids to grandma's house for naked Sunday!

  9. Thanks, love!



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