Tuesday, June 19, 2012

"Signs That I Am Nearer to 30 than 20" or "Signs of the Apocalypse"

Recently I was complaining about how old I feel, and a friend stopped me and said, "You have always been this wonderful dichotomy of really mature and the biggest 8 year old ever.  And I suspect that you always will be. So stop worrying about your age; you're not old."

To which I replied, "Yes huh!" (that inner 8 year old struck again)

But really, as I am rapidly aging out of the adorable stage of life where I can be called a "twenty-something," I have started seeing the signs of the apocalypse. I am not the bright eyed 22 year old who moved to Cincinnati 7 years ago.  Although I still feel like the same person: same humor, same foul mouth, same mischievous streak, same drive for something more, same zest for life, it has become abundantly clear to me that I am not that same girl...and here is how I know that I am a lot closer to 30 than I am to 20: 

  1. I went to the dermatologist last week for something other than acne. I scheduled an appointment to have my moles checked out because I am living in a constant state of cancer-paranoia. I fear that all the years I spent lifeguarding, wearing SPF NOTHING on my skin, will finally catch up to me. Also worth mentioning, I now use my Retin-A prescription as an anti-aging night cream instead of just for acne as I had for years in my early 20s.
  2. "Happy Hour" is just that pesky thing standing in the way of work and me putting on my stretchy pants. I used to live for the Happy Hour.  Drink specials were of critical importance to my post-grad budget...and dudes in suits seemed so much more attractive than when I saw the same dudes out later in their baseball hats/polo shirt/cargo short uniforms. Now, happy hours mess with my plans to cook myself dinner or go to pilates or take Bitchy Little Rat Dog on a hike .... or watch my DVR.
  3. I don't know who One Direction is, and I don't care.  I keep hearing about One Direction in US Weekly, and I was briefly concerned that maybe I should try harder to listen to their music.  But based on what I found when I decided I wanted to know more about Karly Rae Whatever (that chick who sings "Call Me Maybe" and is clearly from the Rebecca Black school of song writing), I have no desire to further explore teeny bopper phenomena. Give me Spotify, Pandora, and a handful of music festivals per year and I am satisfied with my musical exploration. 
  4. My mom can't physically touch a baby without commenting on how cute mine will be someday.  My mom knows how I feel about having children. Yet, she can't shut up about my non existent ones.  She has baby fever like crazy, and it's freaking me out.  I still don't feel ready for kids and firmly hypothesize that I never will...but that bitch is persistent. 7 years ago, she would have cried herself to sleep every night if I came home pregnant...now, she would offer to move in with me and raise it. Gag.
  5. I sometimes wear a sports bra to bed for fear of more sagging. 
    Remember the scene in "The Sweetest Thing" where Cameron Diaz is staring in the mirror lifting her arms up over her head then back down chanting "22, 28, 22, 28" as an artful demonstration of gravity...yeah, well that shit is REAL.  My boobs held strong for years...like little perky statues.  Then I started running and training for half marathons (yes, I am totally blaming long distance running) and they just gave in to gravity ever so slightly....and I will be damned if this streak continues. Therefore, while 22 year old me wore next to nothing to bed, 29 year old me would wrap herself like a mummy if that was proven to help.
Sigh.  So now, I must go make dinner and try to muster up the energy to go to an 8:30pm showing of "The Art of Rap" with Mademoiselle BlondeMess... Old. 


  1. Number 3 really hits home for me. I knew I was getting old when I Google Imaged One Direction and instantly felt like Jerry Sandusky. 

  2. I LOVE this post. Because it's exactly what I'm feeling right now. Something about 29 makes you realize that things have totally changed when you weren't paying attention and suddenly you have turned into a bonafide adult and nobody really asked you if you were okay with that or not...

  3. RIGHT!?! I know I didn't turn in my permission slip for this field trip to adulthood!

  4. HA!  You made me giggle out loud with that one. :)  I only know what they look like because they were on Saturday Night Live once...and I fast forwarded through their singing so I still don't know what they sound like.

  5. Hahaha! I've been wearing a sports bra to bed for the last year! I thought I was the only crazy 29 year old waking up, already dressed for yoga.
    The apocalypse in indeed upon us.

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