Carrie Bradshaw is Full of Sh*t

Valentine's Day: A Survival Guide

2012-02-13T08:33:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day is very possibly the most disappointing day of the year for most people. Those who are coupled up are subject to impossibly high expectations set by movies and commercials. Those who are single are told to feel lonely and sad by those same industries. To which I say, "Go fly a fucking kite! I don't give a shit about being single; this will still be an incredible day!"

In my 29 years on this Earth, I have a losing record with Valentine's Days...but I remain optimistic! And here are my secrets to survival:

Surviving Valentine's Day: A HauteMess How-To

Set expectations low. If you have been disappointed in the past, channel those feelings...remember how bad the day can be. If you have never had a bad V-Day, read all about mine and feel lucky. By setting your bar REALLY low, it is almost impossible to be disappointed. (Just don't stand too close to open flames, do NOT call your ex, and if there is a chance that George Clooney is in your town, always wear a bra!)
Play dress-up. I am talking costume jewelry, red lipstick, and as many pink things as you own. This tip is all about deflection - you never have to talk about your love life if the only thing people are talking about is how great/festive you look or just your choice to wear sequins before noon.
Buy yourself a gift BEFORE Valentine's Day. Give yourself a gift and wear it/use it all day on V-Day. You can rock your new lust-worthy shoes and sparkly earrings all day to make the other ladies jelly as all the other ladies stew in anticipation to unwrap some disappointing box of chocolates. (After all, who knows your tastes better than you!) I will be wearing my new pink oxfords with my new pink gingham button-up all day Tuesday. (They will be paired with red lipstick and vintage rhinestone earrings in accordance to Survival Tip #2 above)
Make plans with friends. The day is about LOVE. I love my friends. I don't need to be sucking face with some guy to feel loved and blessed. This year, a very pregnant Madame MarriedMess, Senorita CalienteMess, and I will be going to a restaurant with a delicious 5-course menu! Our goal is to confuse our waitress, like in SATC Movie when Carrie and Miranda went to dinner for Valentine's Day and the waitress referred to Carrie as the "girlfriend." If we can convince anyone that we are a lesbian threesome awaiting the birth of our first child, we win! Plain and simple: we. win.
Champagne. As you know, I love champagne so very much! I believe there can never be enough champagne occassions. Bubbles make everything better. Toast to yourself and an amazing year ahead of you!
Golden Girls: Season 4, Episode 15....WATCH IT.

Do you have any other tips to making it an awesome day?

RIP Whitney Houston

2012-02-12T13:32:00.000-05:00

Another talented musician gone too soon. Whitney Houston lit up the world equally when she belted out timeless ballads and dance club favorites AND when she told Bobb-ay Brown to "Kiss mah ass!"

Whitney is a legend. Her sad story is marred by drug use and "Being Bobby Brown. " (remember when they openly discussed her "cure" for constipation? vile.), but let us remember Whitney for her unparalleled talent. She made more music and won more accolades (according to the Guinness Book of World Records, she holds more trophies than any other pop star) than any of the modern day wannabes. (See: Lana Del Ray's miserable fail at recreating the magic of Whitney's 1994 Grammy Performance, below)

You will be missed, Miss Houston. Rest in peace.

A side note to Lindsay Lohan: Take Whitney's famous words to heart, "Crack is whack." Or else, Amy Winehouse and Whitney will be welcoming you soon.

The First Date Rating System

2012-02-10T08:00:00.000-05:00

First dates are awkward. They sometimes turn out to be okay, but rarely do they turn out better than a night with a good book or the Golden Girls DVD box set. Therefor, I have devised a rating based on a 10 point scale...5 is the highest score you can have on a first date. Why? Because let's be honest, finding out where people grew up and what they do for a living sucks. (Unless it is someone with a really cool accent or a famous person) A 5 out of 10 is a VERY good score for a first date in my books! Or maybe I am just doing it wrong...but here is the way I see it: (based on true stories)

1 = HELL "God this guy is creepy...I think I will take a different route home tonight and park in front of a neighbor's house, just in case."
2 = I WOULD RATHER KISS MY DOG "I was so not attracted to him that every time he leaned in, I instinctively moved away. When he texted me after the date, I cringed."
3 = WASTING MY TIME "Almost a total waste of my time. I now know where he was born and raised, how he felt about high school, why he is in Cincinnati, why he left his last job, his past three relationships, and he has asked me exactly one question: What would I like to drink. He ate three times as much as me and let me pay for half... it would have been a total waste of time has I not enjoyed the sushi so much.
4 = I KNOW THIS ISN'T GOING TO END WELL, BUT... "Is he gay? I think he likes penis more than me...but he is so good looking, I should probably go out with him again to figure it out.
5 = MEH. "He is nice. He doesn't make me feel any negative feelings. I guess I'll see him again."

So go forth, have first dates, and rate them accordingly!

(And for reference: in my book, THIS is a 10.)

A Good Reason To Turn Down A Date...

2012-02-08T08:12:00.002-05:00

As I mentioned in my last post, online dating requires a level of effort that I am not always willing to put forth. Tonight I turned down a date with a 39 year old bald dude because I had been planning on painting my nails after pilates. True. Story.

I know it may sound lame, but I have been looking forward to it! Plus, if he had asked me out with more than 24 hours notice, I probably wouldn't have scheduled at-home manicure time. So I am not the bad guy here!

PLUS, this isn't just any manicure...I am deciding between the most epic options of all: TUXEDO VS. MUSTACHE! In my Christmas Gift Guide, I alluded to the fact that I have moved on from the mustache back to the tuxedo....until I saw these! And now I just can't decide between a Zooey Deschanel-inspired tuxedo mani or the always hilarious mustache mani. THIS is why I just can't go on any date. #singlewhitegirlproblems

What do you think?
(Bonus: most photo links take you to the corresponding "how to")

Well, This Isn't Good News...

2012-02-06T23:21:00.002-05:00

A month ago, I joined Match.com in an effort to meet more people, cast a wider net, and maybe have something (someone) to look forward to every week. However, Match.com's annual Singles Survey just revealed what I have long felt (but felt somehow guilty admitting) ... most single people are happy how they are. 40% aren't sure that they want to get married and 27% are sure that they do not want to get married. Only 12.7% of singles are actively looking for a relationship, but 46.8% aren't looking but would be open to it if they met the right person.

NEAT.

This strikes an interesting cord with me because of 2 major points:

I do want to get married...someday. Knowing that only 1 in 3 single guys feels the same way is terrifying.
But if I don't get married, that's totally fine. I love my life. I actually feel a little awkward on dating websites because I feel like it somehow communicates that I am not happy with my life. I AM happy, though. But sometimes I feel lazy or guilty for not "trying harder" to meet someone.

Right now, my behavior falls somewhere in that 12.7%, but I really feel more like the 46.8% who just want the right person to come along naturally. I truly want to be in a relationship again, but I don't want to have to try so hard to find it. I want a Hollywood "meet cute." [a meet cute is a situation in which a future romantic couple meets for the first time in a way that is considered adorable, entertaining, or amusing] I always thought my "story of how we met" would be adorable and unique and engaging. BUT - I know that isn't very realistic, so somehow I have guilt tripped myself into joining the online dating world.

Now, I have cancelled 2 dates last minute because I would rather cook at home and watch The Golden Girls, and I only successfully went on one Match date. I can recap that date for you in one sentence: He didn't make me feel any negative feelings.

That's it. Not exactly a meet-cute...why do I do this to myself?!

For reference...some of my favorite meet cutes:

My Favorite Thing About The Super Bowl...The Commercials!

2012-02-05T22:20:00.000-05:00

In the past, I attended parties just so I could participate in the societal norm of pretending to be interested in a Football game so that I could watch and discuss the awesome commercials with the other football virgins in the room. However, YouTube has allowed me to forgo those old formalities, have the Best Sunday Ever (a.k.a. last year's trip to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter), AND still pay homage to the most watched event of the year...Super Bowl Commercials!

[Please note: I won my Fantasy Football league this year...so Football is not totally lost on me...but I do enjoy the irreverence of NOT watching the game even more than donating 4 hours of my life that I will never get back to two teams that I don't really care about]

Today, I walked Bitchy Little Rat Dog to our neighborhood park so I could swing in the 50 degree weather (the swing set has a swing so high that my feet don't even reach the ground - so fun!), I engaged in a Vegan Cookie Bake Off with Mr. GayMess, I watched hours of Golden Girls Season 4, and then -- I went to YouTube's adblitz channel and took part in my favorite part of Super Bowls: laughing, crying, and critiquing commercials.

Here is my personal "Best Of" list:

It is like Toyota stole my dream diary and made all of my wildest come true...I want EVERYTHING they joke about inventing! (everything except a Camry...I love my Maxima) That blender needs to happen...like NOW!

If you have been feeling a little uninspired in the bedroom...watch this David Beckham commercial on repeat until it is burned in your brain. As long as you can close your eyes and picture this, you will never need to fake it again...

I loved the Volkswagen commercial last year with the little Darth Vader...but this one is just as good! A good dog commercial is enough to tug at my heart strings...I felt sad, I giggled, and I felt triumphant with this pooch! Overall, an amazingly crafted commercial!

Ferris Bueller is BACK! Although Matthew Broderick is a little older, fatter, and slightly dead behind the eyes now...I will NEVER turn down a Ferris Bueller montage. I LOVED this!

Apparently, this year's Commercial Theme is 90's TV revival. From Seinfeld to Stamos...the 90s are alive, well, and funny!

I actually LOL'd at the 18second mark...plus it's kind of neat to see all of the people who invented the apps and programs that I use on a daily basis.

What did you think of the commercials??

Hope you all enjoyed your Sunday, however you chose to celebrate! (And congrats to any Giants fans out there!)

Punxsutawney Phil Can Suck It

2012-02-03T08:32:00.000-05:00

It is official...global warming has fried Punxsutawney Phil's circuits. That silly groundhog came out of hiding yesterday (probably wearing a Hawaiian shirt and carrying sunblock) to tell us all that winter will last for 6 more weeks. Really Phil?! Have you BEEN OUTSIDE LATELY?

I have news for Phil... Winter basically ended last week here in Cincinnati. It has been almost 60 degrees every single day and the forecast through next week is calling for highs in the 50s each day. It is basically spring already!

Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that the consequences of this faux spring may result in some type of nuclear winter in May...but for now, color me and Bitchy Little Rat Dog happy! (That bitch hates the snow...it's usually taller than her, which makes squatting difficult) The warmer weather and brighter sun has done wonders for my mood. I am no longer hibernating in a fluffy blanket nest. I am taking BLRD on more walks. I am actually going on dates! It has renewed me!

Therefore, it has been decided that BLRD is applying for the job as Head Punxsutawney Weather Bitch. If elected, we promise the following changes to Groundhog's Day:

- Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell will attend EVERY year until the end of time...no exceptions.
- The Emcee will not be the only one in a tuxedo, BLRD will wear a Tuxedo T-Shirt to show her respect, as well.
- Even if the sun is shining brightly, BLRD promises to consult the national weather department before making any "shadow claims."
- Gobblers Knob (yes, the location of Punxsutawney Phil's comings and goings is actually called Gobbler's Knob) will host a huge party after the "shadow report" including champagne, cake, cake flavored vodka, vegan queso, and whatever else I am obsessed with that year....but access will only be granted to people who dress like this guy:

Happy Faux Spring Everyone! See you next winter! (a.k.a. in 2 weeks...probably just in time to snow me in on Valentine's Day...)

I'm TWO!!!

2012-01-31T23:29:00.000-05:00

Happy 2 Year Anniversary to Carrie Bradshaw Is Full of Shit!

I know that my life has been so boring lately. I apologize! It's hard to be the same old HauteMess when I am taking care of my dad, keeping my mom sane, and trying NOT to drop any balls at work. I could have gone the Demi Moore route - but Whipits and Salvia are sort of Miley's scene. (a.k.a. Some Floridian trailer park) So, in honor of Awards Season in Hollywood, I will celebrate my favorite moments over the past 2 years....AND I vow to be more exciting soon!
(I have been on Match.com and have 2 dates this week. I am almost 100% certain that they will turn out just as hilarious as the previous dates!)

The 2 Year Anniversary "Best Of" List: Friends & Family Edition!

Best Triumph Over Adversity Award goes to ... The #SingleGirlProblems my friends are constantly facing!
One of my VERY favorite new recurring posts has to be #Singlewhitegirlproblems (or insert whatever descriptor you feel best captures your own silliness). The new hashtag has infiltrated all of our text messages ... last weekend I sent out the following text: "While having a dancing to a Disney Music Pandora channel, my socks were too slippy for my hardwood floors and I busted my ass. #singlewhitegirlproblems" and "I really want to go to the New Edition concert on Valentine's Day, but tickets are $75....I will get drunk at home with a Bobby Brown CD instead. #singlewhitegirlproblems"

Best Potty Issues Award goes to ... My Mom!
To be clear, I still don't fart in front of anyone and SWEAR up and down to boyfriends that girls only pee!

Best "Subtle" Attempt to Marry Me Off Award goes to ... My Dad!
Not only does my dad join Facebook...but he is now using it to track down old friends who may be able have children that are single and my age. The cutest part is, he truly believed he was being very sly!

Best Month Ever Award goes to ... Sorry For Partying July!
My Brother and SisterMess came in town, it was Senorita CalienteMess's birthday, Jortstock IV: Thighs the Limit, and the most epic game of Jenga ever.

Best Vacation of All Time Award goes too ... Paris with Mr. GayMess
Paris was an amazing time! From shouting in drunken, broken French about gang bangs and flaccid penises to traipsing through St. Emillon. (Note: The St. Emillon links to a lost post that I forgot to publish MONTHS ago! ENJOY!) It was wonderful and I hope to do it again!

Best Inappropriate Chain Letters Award goes to .... My Grandma!
We all have that friend or family member who sends us forwards warning us about people with chloroform in cheap perfume bottles who stalk you in Wal Mart parking lots to gas you, rape you, then kill you....but my Grandma takes the art of FWD:'s to a whole new level by sprinkling in random humor, chain letters threatening the wrath of God, and racism throughout my inbox. And for that, I thank her! Clicking "delete" an additional 17times a day keeps my index finger slim!

Thank you so much for an incredible 2 years! I appreciate all my friends and family who make my life fun and memorable! But mostly, right now I appreciate everyone who reads this!!! Thank you for sticking with me through good times and bad. Here's to another 2 years of awesome.

I Don't Believe in Love Anymore

2012-01-23T13:38:00.000-05:00

In 2005, when I read the SHOCKING and heartbreaking news that Jessica Simpson was filing for divorce from Nick Lachey, I exclaimed, "WHAT? NO! Not them! I thought they were truly in love! At least I still have Brad and Jen." [insert #singlewhitegirlproblems here]

Then in early 2006 when Brad and Jen announced that ~~Angelina Jolie is a homewrecker~~ they were calling it quits, I spiralled. At that time in my life, I was ending a 3.5 year relationship with a womanizer - so it all just created what I like to call the 2006 Bitch Trifecta. I swore off relationships. I swore off being nice to guys. I made out with almost anyone who got me drunk enough - but I turned down every single date request and/or hook up request. Some light public face-sucking was fine....just as long as it never led to any emotions.

To this day, the sight of Angelina Jolie reminds me of crushed dreams and broken hearts.

But I have healed since then....I have grown and matured, and found new Hollywood couples to place my irrational hopes and dreams on. As long as Heidi and Seal are still together, like a beacon of hope, I'll be okay.

WAIT....WHAT?!?! HEIDI AND SEAL ARE GETTING A DIVORCE???? [insert hair pulling sequence here]

BUT.I.LOVE.THEM!

I love all their awesome costumes. (See Above: For their 2009 vow renewal, they dressed up like rednecks! WINNERS!) He proposed in a fucking IGLOO! I mean...how badly does this guy have to fuck up to not realize Heidi is THE BEST HE WILL EVER DO! I am just beside myself. I haven't been this sad about something totally irrelevant to my daily life since Elizabeth Taylor died.

In my fragile state, please don't let anything else bad happen...I don't want a repeat of the 2006 Make Out Slut Trifecta. If Betty White dies, hide the knives, pills, & shoelaces...it will be a difficult winter!

How to Waste Time & Money Online

2012-01-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

I wrote this beautifully crafted blog post...a true work of art. And then I tried to publish the draft from my iPhone and it DELETED all the content. SO....basically I suppose my only real advice to waste time is using blogger from your iPhone. :)

So anyhow, I am sort of an expert in online procrastinating and online shopping...and since I have very little other valuable advice to impart at the moment, please enjoy another HauteMess How-To!

HOW TO WASTE TIME & SPEND MONEY ONLINE

1. Spencer's Market - Like deals? Love food? Have restrictions? NO WORRIES! This website is like the Groupon for people with special dietary needs (gluten free, nut allergy, vegetarian, vegan, etc). In my first week of being a member, I bought vegan macaroons AND mutha-fuckin QUESO! (This site isn't fucking around!) I can be a vegan AND get cookies and queso at a discount?? SOLD. (note: please excuse me while I gorge on corn chips and queso with a side of diet moutain dew!) (no one's perfect...)
2. Michael Buble Being Stalked By A Velociraptor - In case you haven't ever imagined an alternate universe where humans and dinosaurs exist, this website provides endless amusement. I am not 100% sure why this makes me laugh so hard - I think it may be imagining that the ultimate catch for a velociraptor is none other than THE Mr. Michael Buble. OR perhaps it is just imagining the time people spend on photoshopping for this entirely user generated website. HI-Larious.
3. Kim Jong Il Looking At Things - I know this may not be the most tastefully timed recommendation, but I have been looking at Kim Jong Il looking at things since November. The part that makes me laugh is the captions underneath...they are so banal that they become funny en masse!
4. The Post Punk Kitchen Top 100 of 2011- As a newbie vegan, I have been looking for the cool kids to show me the ropes. Like the kids in high school who can show you how to make out in the boiler room (a la Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano) or how to get under the bleachers to smoke, this website is amazing at showing a new vegan how to do awesome things like MAKE YOUR OWN CHEESE and the vegan equivalent of nutella! As I read it, I purchased a new non-stick pan, cheese cloth, and nutritional yeast from Amazon.com...so this chick has her sales pitch down tight! (Her reco on the queso also helped me pull the trigger on Spencer's Market...QUESOOOOO!!!) (I also have a plastic bag of random vegetable discard in my freezer for future vegetable broth...don't judge)
5. Dear Blank, Please Blank - This is a website where users can submit their own hilarious letters like (my personal favorite):
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the Ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, The Unicorns.
After reading these, I keep finding myself formulating little "Dear Blank, please blank" letters in my head. I have been secretly working on a "I.E. vs E.G." letter for months...unsuccessfully. It is so clever in my head...
Dear "i.e."
People say we are different, but I am going to need an example.
Sincerely, "e.g."

Enjoy your Hump Day!! May you waste your time and money as responsibly as I do! ;)

Some Things Never Change...

2012-01-11T11:51:00.002-05:00

This year, my family spent its first Christmas in Indiana since the 80s. For years, we have travelled to the Carolinas to spend the holidays with my uber-southern Grandmother.

However, with my dad being sick, we spent this Christmas north of the Mason-Dixon line this year...and in our childhood home, no less. This was the first time I have spent more than a single night in my parents' house in years. Needless to say, it involved heavy drinking, lots of pranking, and frequent mutters of "How did we live like this?" for an entire weekend.

On Christmas Eve, my brother and I decided that we wanted to play "Santa Claus" this year by sneaking new presents under the tree after midnight...but in lieu of purchasing presents, we snuck around the house after hours, trying not to wake our parents, stealing household items and re-gifting them back to their rightful owners. Why? Because we were drunk and it sounded hilarious.

My parents' house is filled with oddities and strange antiques that are supposedly "valuable." The re-gifting scavenger hunt was rich with treasures...but the best discovery I made was finding MY BABY BOOK!

In case you aren't familiar with the concept, a baby book is the anthology where new moms are encouraged to document the most mundane details and evidence of their new baby's life. It is filled with boring details about immunizations, family trees, baby shower gift logs, the scraps from my first hair cut, etc. BUT, mine also contained hilarious editorial from none other than Mama Mess herself!

I was floored to read that I have been basically the same person since I was two years old...while things in my life may have shaped and changed my perspective, this personality has been imprinted deeply in my core since I learned to talk.

Highlights From the Baby Book a la MamaMess Editorial

Age 2: Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk. That is how I best describe little HauteMess. She repeats everything she hears and loves to just talk. She has taken to calling her dad and I by our first names when she is angry with us. She has also learned to say, "shut up" but she is very quick to apologize afterwards by saying, "that was nasty of me."
She has also learned to say, "Stop 'rassin me." (she means "harassing") She is very concerned about "Why's everybody 'rassin me?"
Her favorite things are talking, dolls, our neighbor, Scooby Doo, Pinwheel, Sesame Street, and Diff'rent Strokes. [ed. note: Of course Diff'rent Strokes spoke to my toddler sensibility]
Age 4: HauteMess is very loving but also very headstrong. She is very intelligent but already quite the teaser and joker. Our neighbor puts it best when she said, "HauteMess is a little rogue!"
Her favorite things are napping with others, fashion books and fashion dolls, and having her hair done "just like HauteMess's" (whatever that means?)

(note: of course my mom used my real name in the baby books, but other than subbing in 'HauteMess' for my name, this is EXACTLY what I remember reading from my baby book...exactly!)

I like to think that if my friends could describe me now - it would't be that different! Loving, headstrong, joker, eclectic taste in age inappropriate TV shows, napping, fashion, a little baby temper - that sounds like me.

It's comforting to know that no matter how much we think life changes us, we are truly always the same person.

Lil HauteMess, Age 3

New Resolution: Becoming a Vegan Without Becoming THAT Vegan

2012-01-05T22:53:00.000-05:00

We all know THAT guy or THAT girl....you know, of the "Don't be THAT guy/girl" fame. The guy who gets blackout drunk and pukes at happy hour. The girl who brings wine to a dinner party and takes it home afterwards if the bottle isn't empty. The guy who refuses to wear a costume to a Halloween Party. The girl who wears white to someone else's wedding. We all know them, or some iteration of them. And mostly, everyone despises them.

In my new quest to become a vegan, I am now realizing the extreme prejudice that many people have against vegans. I see this mostly by looking in their eyes and recognizing the exact same look that I used to give vegans...the overstraining eye muscles trying to keep them them from rolling and the half smile that quietly says, "Fine, I get it. You are so enlightened. You gave up cheese. Don't you dare ruin my love for all things meaty."

There is even a joke that goes like this:
- How do you find a vegan at a party?
- Oh, don't worry, they'll find you!

I definitely want to be a vegan...but I never want to become THAT vegan. The one who tells you all the brutal ways animals are killed to make that steak you are enjoying. The one who says that they have never felt cleaner/healthier/lighter. The ones who talk about how this was how God intended us to eat. The ones who throw shade at carnivores. The ones who can never stop reminding you that they made a choice to give up animal products.

So right now, I pledge to myself that I will be honest at all times....I will never pretend that it wasn't the hardest thing I have ever done to sit at happy hour tonight as a warm plate of brie with fruit compote was passed around. I will not tell you that the fruit I ate in the car on my way to happy hour was as satisfying as the margherita pizza that everyone else enjoyed. I will not tell you that I love spending hours preparing vegetables in new and different ways. I will not tell you that I don't secretly want to grab that cookie out of your hand and shove it in my mouth then run away.

Honestly, I am certain that I will grow to like this lifestyle...but I will always love my old unrestricted diet more. I love animals, and the things I have read this week on PETA's website will haunt me forever...but I don't really think that I am going to save them all. I read that I can save 90 per year...but I don't really believe that. Therefore, I also admit that I need this lifestyle to provide some cosmetic benefits to keep going after this first month. If I don't lose at least 15lbs in the next 6 months, I am probably going to eat a cheeseburger covered in bacon with a side of manchego, aged gouda, and boursin.

I promise that I will never preach or become pretentious. I will never post recipes or tell you how awesome my kale tastes. I will not become THAT vegan!

Happy New Year, 2012!

2012-01-02T18:51:00.000-05:00

It's that time again, time for broken promises we make to ourselves each and every year. Overcrowded gyms, extra long checkout lines at Whole Foods, and picked over racks of workout apparel at Target. All of our best intentions share more similarities with the lies we tell ourselves to sleep at night...

And since I am no exception to this rule, I will share my resolution in the form of a "Dear Blank, Please Blank" entry:

Dear McDonald's Checkout Girl,
Please disregard the Vegan Cookbook in the passenger seat.
Sincerely, That Starts Tomorrow

When you are done laughing at the thought of me giving up cheese, please allow me to explain.

As you may have read in my last post before Christmas, my dad has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of taking the news hard because I need to be strong for my family. So after allowing myself maybe 20 minutes to privately cry, I decided it is time to take what little control I have back.

My brother recommended that I watch Forks Over Knives, so I reluctantly carved out 90minutes of my life to dedicate to Netflix options other than 30 Rock, Skins, and Twin Peaks. (Sidenote: If you have never seen Twin Peaks...it is a must! I was too young to watch when it came out in 1989....but it is gloriously campy, suspenseful, and full of "before they were stars" actors!)

Long story short, Forks Over Knives directly links animal protein to cancer and heart disease. It focuses on the benefits of a plant based, whole food diet to prevent and reverse cancer. Because I have also read how hereditary stomach cancer can be, I decided that THIS can be my new crusade. So I am trying a new lifestyle/diet with 5% or less animal protein.

As you may recall- cheese is my love language, pizza is my vice, and I don't always make the best food decisions when drinking. SO, I am mentally preparing myself that this will not be an "All or Nothing" battle. I WILL eat Brie and Wine as my entire dinner meal sometimes. I WILL occasionally eat sushi - especially on first dates because it is way easier than explaining that I am faux vegan because my dad has cancer. I WILL indulge in a latte made with skim milk when the mood strikes. However - those treats will be very occasional.

So...wish me luck...and send me any and all vegan recipes or tips on ordering food at restaurants as you possibly can.

Happy New Year! What are your ~~future broken promises~~ resolutions this year? ;)

Happy HauteMess Friday!

2011-12-16T09:18:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought today may not be the best day of my week....the universe intervened with all signs pointing to "It's going to be a HauteMess Friday!"

I received some scary news about my dad's health last night - he has been sick for a few months, but we now know that it is a pretty aggressive form of cancer. Luckily it is totally treatable and his prognosis is very good. BUT, I was still feeling down this morning.

BUT THEN... the universe told me, "When you are sad, stop being sad and just be awesome instead."

While letting Bitchy Little Rat Dog out this morning, I saw a commercial on TV for FLUFF VODKA! That is marshmallow fluff flavored vodka. I am hosting a Ladies' Christmas party this evening, so now I know what the signature drink will be. Forget the Slim Fast and Vodka of olden times...we are now onto sugar free Hot Chocolate with Marshmallow Vodka!
While applying make-up this morning, I sullenly turned on Pandora to entertain me while I went through the motions of applying "my face." The first thing I heard was...

I got the message loud and clear....Go Forth! Be Merry! Drink Innovatively! And keep their mutha fukin' heads ringin'.

Happy HauteMess Friday!

#Singlewhitegirlproblems: Ordering Too Much Food

2011-12-14T00:13:00.000-05:00

I ordered pizza last night and turned on both the television AND George Michael's "Careless Whisper" on my iPhone so that the delivery man wouldn't think I ordered a large pizza all to myself. #singlewhitegirlproblems.

The Sunday pizza delivery lady knows me so well that she purchased a box of dog bones to deliver for Bitchy Little Rat Dog so we can both have "Sunday Treats." #singlewhitegirlproblems #youmighteattoomuchpizzaif

Brave New World

2011-12-12T13:30:00.001-05:00

This weekend I did something brave. I took a chance. And I am so happy that I did.

My definition of true bravery is when you take a risk to get something you want, knowing that the odds aren’t in your favor. (Bravery is a lot like stupidity in that way…) Cowardice is letting the two most dangerous words in the English language build a duplex in your head and retire there. Those two words are “What if?”

This past weekend, I evicted “What” and “If” from my brain. (they are now carrying cloth bags on the end of a stick as they hitchhike along the railroad in their straw hats and jagged hem jeans) (get it? Because they are homeless now!) (But not the sad kind of homeless – more like a Loony Tunes character kind of homeless)

If you read my last post, you know that I made a conscious decision to share my innermost, scariest “What If.” It wasn’t until I actually (re)read the post for the 6th time that I realized I was so over holding onto just a possibility. I was ready for more than putting up walls, burying feelings, and having to answer all my friends’ questions about what was really going on between us.

So I took a chance. I said, “Fuck it!”

While channeling the Dickens’ Ghost of Christmas Present for my annual Christmas Party (wearing a Little Black Dress complete with a Christmas wreath hairpiece, pure gold glitter that I glued to my eyelids, cheesy Christmas ornament earrings, and a true spirit of hedonism), I laid it all on the line.

I will spare you the gory details involving copious amounts of red wine and glitter filled tears. Let’s just leave it at this: his reply was the exact answer I needed to hear. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was everything I needed to get rid of “What If.”

And honestly, other than the gold glitter stuck to my pillowcases, I regret nothing. I took a risk, I lost, and I didn’t die. I don’t know who is next on my great journey to finding my partner in crime – but I do know that I am more ready now than I was last week.

Je ne regrette rien.

Good Idea or Bad Idea? Both a Possibility

2011-12-07T21:15:00.000-05:00

Inspired by Leslie Knope on the episode of Parks and Recreation that caused me to shoot both arms straight up in the air with jazz hands and shout "YESSSSSS." (see below) I realized that I haven't been totally honest lately about my love prospects. While there is TECHNICALLY nothing to report, I sort of had my own Leslie Knope secretive male interest this year.

I, too, have kept this under wraps to avoid scandal. (Also, because he actually reads this blog) But I just had a bottle of wine for dinner and Dolly is on Spotify, SO - FUCK IT! This is just a risk of knowing me...you will likely have an awesome time and laugh until your sides hurt, but you may read something about yourself on my blog that you didn't know before. So here goes nothing...

"Mr. Possibility" : Nothing More, Nothing Less.

The Backstory
I met Mr. Possibility years ago. In my initial assessment, he was "meh." Just another friend of a friend with a girlfriend I really liked. Then a few months back (while we were both single), he went from "Meh!" to "Oh, Heyyy!"

Due to circumstances beyond our control, we had to share a bed one weekend. I know this is going to sound weird coming from ME...but the fact that he DIDN'T put the moves on me was the sexiest thing he could have done. Instead, we talked until we fell asleep...then woke up and started talking some more. For the first time, he stopped being a friend of a friend and became MY friend.

We started hanging out more; I genuinely liked him as a friend. AND THEN... one day I saw his bucket list posted to his bedroom wall. It was beautiful. It all sort of hit me: The laughs, The fun, The trust. And I smiled....He became a possibility.

The Recent History
One night, while hanging out and having the kind of epic night that only we could conjure...there was talking, flirting, making out, and lingering sexual tension...but no more, no less.

What did it all mean?

We sort of secretly began talking more, following up to see if there was something special there. BUT fear curtailed any romantic hopes almost immediately. He realized that our future was riddled with dangerous landmines like mutual best friends. I realized that he wants to be an awesome DAD...and I want to be an awesome AUNT.

So we quit. We demoted each other to "just friends" in the blink of an eye and moved on.

Or Did We?
Sometimes it feels like we are just friends, and sometimes it doesn't. I never really know.

Here is what I do know: I love hanging out with him. He makes me belly laugh. He lets me make fun of him incessantly. He tells me that I look pretty. He carries my bags. He was the first person I wanted to call when I found out my dad was sick. And sometimes, he looks at me...you know the look I am talking about.

Yet, I can't seem to figure out if any of this is a good idea or a bad idea. (Drunk Me votes GOOD IDEA! Sober Me votes bad...) I mean, I may not be running for City Council of Pawnee, Indiana - but I don't want to get hurt, so I keep the Heisman arm up.

And then Leslie Knope (and a bottle of red wine) made me realize: We spend so much time busying ourselves with thoughts of "What if it doesn't work out?" instead of just saying, "FUCK IT! What if it does?" And really...what if it does?

Half Thoughts and Full Regrets

2011-12-06T19:18:00.001-05:00

I regretfully realized today that I haven't blogged in a week. So I am going to apologize in advance for the barrage of random ass occurrences, thoughts, and half baked ideas!

"Ambien"
I would love to take Ambien...but even if it works, it is only HALF worth it since no one will be around to chronicle what happens after it kicks in....or stop me from driving a car. #singlewhitegirlproblems.

Since some of my favorite female memoir authors (Laurie Notaro & Jen Lancaster, for instance) have chapters in their books dedicated to the creepy things they do after taking Ambien...I became incredibly interested in imagining what I might be like while the inner primate was freed from conscious thought. That train of thought made me very excited...then increasingly irritated. Irritated because I will never know what will happen...at least not as long as I live alone. Who will stop me from driving my car? Who will keep me from playing with knives? What if Ambien HauteMess isn't as coordinated and falls down the stairs? Bitchy Little Rat Dog doesn't have opposable thumbs so dialing 911 is nearly impossible! Damnit! I need a boyfriend.

"A Nesting Weekend"
I think I am nesting...but not in that "Biological Clock is Ticking" kind of way. It's more like a black bear preparing for winter hibernation.
Step 1: Eat as much as you possibly can for weeks on end...amass all leftovers in your fridge.
Step 2: Purchase enough Yankee Candles that you need more than 2 hands to count them all. (almost all of them smell like some type of food)
Step 3: Arrive home from work and IMMEDIATELY rip off your bra and change into sweatpants and your Men's XL Alexander Hamilton t-shirt (a remnant from my once drunken obsession with historical politicians)

Step 4: Pull out your sofa bed AND all of your puffiest, comfiest blankets (including the My Little Pony sleeping bag you requested from Santa three years ago) and literally create a nest of sloth.
Step 5: Load up your netflix queue with awesome shows that provide you with DAYS (literally) of entertainment.
Step 6: Subsist off of leftovers around your house...or the smells from your Yankee Candles.
Step 7: Never leave your house... Never.

"Operation: Fuck You Holiday Weight Gain"
To combat gaining more weight this season than Victoria Beckham did with her first pregnancy, I joined the gym again. (after I injured myself in the half marathon this past summer, I never got back into any consistent form of cardio beyond brief spurts of dance partying with Bitchy Little Rat Dog)

My first day back...I saw three people I know and immediately remembered why I quit. I go to the gym to sweat out the wine and pizza...not to small talk chitchat about the fun times we used to have when I worked in corporate America.

SO....After Spin Class, I came home and had a Protein Shake and a bottle of red wine for dinner. (hey! It's a liquid diet that I can live with)

HauteMess Holiday Gift Guide: 2011

2011-11-28T21:02:00.001-05:00

It's the MOST wonderful time of the year! A time when it is totally acceptable to shop on the reg and critique other people's purchases! It's SHOPPING SEASON!

When shopping for the perfect holiday gifts, it's so easy to get caught up in Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals. Then you find yourself 3-5days later with The Complete Series of Daria on DVD, two Honey Badger t-shirts, a brand new ceramic curling iron, and NO ONE to give them to! Oops. (who am I kidding....I bought these things for myself!)

And since I promised myself that I wouldn't shop for myself anymore (after today, that is) - I am publishing the 2011 HauteMess Holiday Gift Giving Guide as a way to "window shop" for myself and those I love.

THE HAUTEMESS HOLIDAY GIFT GIVING GUIDE: 2011 (click on the pics for links to online stores carrying these delightful goodies)

For the Music Lover/Curmudgeon:

I have been OBSESSED with procuring my very own pair of Beats since I tried on BlondeMess's "Solos" - it was like a dance club in my head! The music was crystal clear, there was nothing poking around inside my ears, and the rest of the world was non existent. PLUS, no one can hear your music! This means that you can listen to the entire Chronic 2001 album while sitting next to your 3 year old nephew or your 85 year old grandma...and no one has to know but you! These noise canceling bad boys would make the perfect gift for a true music lover OR the person who desperately dreams of drowning out the background noise at work, on airplanes, on public transport, or just when the fam is arguing over some dumb referee's call.

For the Practical Party Girl:

Tiny purses may be cute, but they make it very difficult to stash all your bad girl essentials. For the more practical party girl, you should consider a multi-functioning flask! Cigarette holder + Flask (left) or the Flask Purse (right) is the ultimate space saving fun bag! I don't personally smoke - but I am certain that the cigarette holder would make and excellent credit card/ID/cash holder. Just remember, get your ID out in advance, the bouncer may not think this space saving miracle is as sweet as I do!

The flask purse isn't actually a flask - but it is a damned cute wristlet! (and much classier than tying a string to your regular flask)

For the "Mustaches are SOOO Last Year" Trendster:

I proudly supported the mustache trend last year with my Mustache Masquerade Birthday Party - most of my Facebook pictures are with fake mustaches...but it is time to move on to the next big thing. Although my obsession with Tuxedo T-Shirts peaked in 2007, I think the tuxedo is on its way back in! I love everything about the new tuxedo looks - they say "I'm formal, but I also came to party."

For your Vintage Homies & Upcycling Friends:

You have to admit - the Dorian Gray iPhone charger is pretty fucking awesome! If you know someone who loves quirky accents and environmentally friendly solutions - then check out etsy for vintage nostalgia gifts or upcycled goods to spruce up their homes! The whackier, the better! You would be surprised at how affordable the priceless memories from our childhood can be on Etsy!

For the BadAss Klutz:

We all get boo boos...and sometimes we can even remember how we got them. For your colorful and klutzy friends, these band-aids make much better stories than tales of paper cuts, flat iron burns, and the special scars that epic nights of drinking leave behind. And, if your friend is really lucky, maybe one of these bandaids will be an accurate representation of what really happened! (except maybe the shark bite....that doesn't sound nearly as awesome as a Dance Off)

For the Cheeseball Pet Lover:

My mom nearly pees her pants every time she sees Boo. One day we had lunch in a book store and she literally talked about this pooch for at least 6minutes before I told her that I would rather buy her the book than listen to stories about how many shirts he owns for one more minute. Any big hearted pet lover will "Ooh" and "Ahh" over this little munchkin...trust!

Remember - I will accept any and all of these gifts if you are feeling extra generous this year! Happy Shopping!

Like the McRib, MFFBF Is Back! (for a limited time only)

2011-11-28T20:22:00.001-05:00

It is my pleasure to announce once again, that I am officially off the market for real Holiday Boyfriends....I now have my very own MFFBF (Mother Fucking Fake Boyfriend) for the 2011 holidays.

It is the time for romantic holiday cheer, cookie baking, ice skating, cuddling on the couch with booze and Home Alone/Elf, and opening presents from those who love you! Those who are coupled up, do. Those who aren't, may simply engage in a contractual relationship (with very clear terms) with a worthy adversary.

That is right - another year, another napkin contract! More gifts, more triple cuddles with Bitchy Little Rat Dog, more movies, and more cheesy holiday festivities! I can't even wait to show you all what I got him for Christmas!

(who knows - maybe this year it will turn into an epic love story like Ronald Miller and Cindy Mancini)

I Am Thankful

2011-11-21T22:30:00.001-05:00

Each Thanksgiving, people across the country reflect with gratitude on all the important things in life, like family & health. I, on the other hand, would like to take a moment to thank the less important things in life...

I am thankful that Target makes it so affordable to be tacky each Christmas. (yes, every single one of these is currently stationed in my home)

I am thankful that I forgot all about making THIS ornament at last year's Ladies Wine & Ornament Making night...Yes, that DOES say "BALLS."
I am thankful for Whipped Cream flavored Vodka - it really perks up Hot Cocoa!
I am thankful for Amazon Prime. Not only can I get all my toiletries and household goods delivered to my front door without ever putting on a bra, but now they let you "borrow" Kindle books like a library! Hello Free Hunger Games!
I am thankful that the my favorite Food Delivery guy doesn't judge me...today he handed me a sandwich, salad, fries, and pasta. (Hey don't YOU judge me - it was lunch AND dinner!)
I am thankful for Shit That Siri Says (http://shitthatsirisays.tumblr.com/) - it makes me desperately want to fork over $500 to AT&T & Apple for a phone that will sass me, judge me, and help me get home when drunk!
I am thankful that Twilight was so cheesiliciously good - I laughed out loud during 6 inappropriate times. (p.s. I am positive that Stephenie Meyer doesn't know how babies are made)
I am thankful that the movie theater now sells Curly Fries! (they are calorically equivalent to a small buttered popcorn...thank you!)
I am thankful that I stumbled upon this AWESOME picture of a Honey Badger yesterday.
AND - I am thankful that someone besides my mom reads this blog. THANK YOU! (P.S. that was a metaphor, my mom hasn't figured out how to read this yet and I would like to keep it that way...so thanks for not telling her!)

#Singlewhitegirlproblems - "Vampires Can't Get You Pregnant" Edition

2011-11-18T11:58:00.001-05:00

I have had a bad week, so naturally all I feel like doing is watch vampires have sex and werewolves fall in love with infants. #Singlewhitegirlproblems

I have no one to watch Breaking Dawn with me this weekend, but I don't know if I have the patience for Madame MarriedMess to get back from a holiday visit with family to see it next week, but I also don't want to look like a pedophile if I go alone. #Singlewhitegirlproblems

BONUS FEATURE TODAY:

A Girl With Too Much Time On Her Hands Rant
I have a real problem with the premise of Breaking Dawn. [Spoiler Alert: I am about to tell you what happened in the book] Vampires have no bodily fluids. They can't cry, sweat, bleed, or pee. SO - how in the fuckety fuck does Edward Cullen produce SEMEN?!?

The only liquid that is mentioned in the first 1500 pages of Twilight is VENOM. So, it would be more likely that Edward would kill Bella with some hot lava venom than impregnate a ho.

If anything, his ejaculation should just be a puff of smoke. Or I also imagine it could be like on of those old cartoon guns that only shoots out a message scroll that says, "BANG."

But real life ejaculate so potent that both virgins make a baby on their first 30second try?? I did not see that coming.... (no pun intended, but now I kind of wish I could take credit for it)

From Tween to Granny in 24 hours

2011-11-17T19:07:00.001-05:00

After my last post about swallowing the Hunger Games Trilogy with my eyeballs, I woke up the next morning and found that I had aged approximately 60 years.

"HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?" you ask.

Simple.

[CUE FLASHBACK SEQUENCE]

It all started one rainy, hungover Saturday morning. While going through my massive DVR queue, an infomercial caught my attention in between episodes of Happy Endings and Modern Family. The CHEFDINI! It looked so amazing.

You can literally make salsa in 10 seconds! They even showed a woman make a 6 foot long party sub with tuna salad and fresh veggies in less than 5 minutes. What if I need to make a party sub someday and only have 5 minute? What if I think that knives are too slow and too difficult to use?

In my hungover haze, I immediately went to their website and tried to order my very own Chefdini (and if I hurried, I also got a bonus FREE chefdini to give to a friend! Hello Christmas presents!), but the website was down and wouldn't process my card.

Against my better judgement, my lust for evenly chopped/sliced vegetables overcame me. I did the most Spinstery thing possible....I dialed the 1-800 number.

After shucking and jiving to avoid all the other old-lady-fabulous offers they tried to trick me into accepting (did you know that you can get free emerald earrings if you just pay $60 in handling fees? or that you can get a Home Life monitoring system to detect when you fall and can't get up for 3 months free?) - I wasted approximately 17minutes of my life with an automated sales lady just trying to get my fucking veggie chopper for 1 payment of $39.95 + 6.95 in S&H fees! I hung up exhausted but still excited for my new kitchen toy!

[FLASH FORWARD TO THIS TUESDAY MORNING]

When I wake up, I like to ease into my day by using my phone to check my bank account, the weather, how Kim Kardashian's divorce is coming along, etc. While looking at my bank account, I noticed a new OVERDRAFT FEE!

I thought to myself, "How in the fuck did that happen? I paid for everything in cash this weekend." So I clicked on my account for more details. CHEFDINI CHARGED ME $210??!?!? WTF?

I immediately thought, "AW HELL NAW!" and went into GrandmaMess mode.

Step 1: Call the company and yell at some poor Indian man that they overcharged you. He tells you that you ordered 2 Chefdini (you didn't) and that is why it cost $210 (2x$39.95 does not equal 200+ bucks, buddy) So you tell him that he is outrageous and his company is made up of a bunch of shysters and based on principle, you would like to cancel all orders and be taken of their call list. You will NEVER purchase a Chefdini from them. (but you note silently that you will probably will look for it at Bed, Bath & Beyond in 6 months)
Step 2: Call your credit card company and ask to have all overdraft charges reversed as you complain about bad business practices and being taken advantage of my the As Seen on TV automated telephone salesbot.
Step 3: You then file a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau about "Telebrands" poor business practices.

Yes. I yelled at a call center representative, complained to my bank about As Seen on TV, and filed a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau all before 8am.

Why don't I just grab a shawl, sip some hot tea, slap on my glasses, and sit my Reader's Digest while Matlock plays in the background? #spinstergirlproblems

It's Official - I know What I Am Doing This Week

2011-11-14T16:02:00.001-05:00

I now know what I will be for doing the next few days...

The official two and half minute Hunger Games trailer came out today and after I calmed my heart palpitations and stopped screaming like a tween at a Bieber concert, I logged onto my Kindle and purchased the books to read again. This week, I will be letting the 14 year old within call the shots. After all, "age appropriate" is in the eyes of the beholder!

Last year, I devoured the first of three Young Adult Fiction novels within a 24 hour period, forgoing sleep and a professional appearance for work to make it happen. I borrowed from the library last year, but I now realize that I need to read these books again and I need to do so immediately.

This trailer is SOOO exciting....but leaves me with so many questions:

A) Where can I buy Elizabeth Banks' pink suit and fascinator hat?
B) Why is District 11 is whiter than an episode of Seinfeld?
C) How good Lenny Kravitz does look?!
D) Not a question, just a comment: I am not mistaken this time, that man in the glittery satin suit with a blue pony tail IS Stanley Tucci!
E) Why does Woody Harrelson's version of Haymitch Abernathy look more like an Amish Randy Quaid from Kingpin than a alcoholic but still badass Hunger Games champion?

And finally - who is ready to (re)read these bitches with me? Only 4 months and 11 days until movie time and I would much rather read this than talk about Justin Bieber's paternity suit.

(Note: I still plan to read about how Kim Kardashian is fucking up her "career" and life to make myself feel superior. I mean, she may have more money, a better figure, and more twitter followers than me...but I have a way better shot of finding true, lasting love and respect!)

Holy Crap - My Mouth Just Came...

2011-11-09T20:55:00.000-05:00

[SPOILER ALERT: If you are one of my closest lady friends, please don't read this post unless you want to know what I will be giving you for Christmas this year...every girl needs to find this stuffed in her stocking!]

I subscribe to Birchbox.com - the ultimate online Beauty curator - and they send me a pretty little box every month with samples of new beauty products like nail polish, lotion, eye creams, shimmery hand sanitizer, eye liners & mascara, etc. But when I opened the box yesterday, I saw a curious little blue foil wrapper that didn't look like makeup.

As I picked it up, I saw the words "DARK CHOCOLATE" and "POPPING CANDY" - I stopped reading, stopped thinking, and basically became like a vampire around a paper cut. I uncontrollably ripped open the beautiful foil package and took one giant, hearty bite out of the little leaf shaped, palm sized candy bar.

OH.MY.GAW. I had the big 'O' in my mouth!

As the popping sensation tickled my tongue, I felt a warm sensation from something spicy. That is when I realized realized that I didn't even really know what I was eating. After my eyes were done rolling back in my head, I fixed them firmly on the Birchbox info card as I took a second bite.

It said:

The Firecracker ChocoPod combines our premium dark chocolateblend with popping candy and spices for an explosion of flavors.Enjoy the sensations of your throat warming as your whole mouthplayfully tingles and pops. Welcome to the wild side of chocolate.All natural & just 50 calories each!

And then....I came again. 50 calories for one of the most entertaining & delicious treats I have ever had? Yes, please. I wanted more...so so so much more of that sizzling little pop sound as the velvety dark chocolate melted into salty sweetness with a kick of spice!

I then went to the company website, read THEIR marketing campaign...

Chipotle, salt, popping candy, oh my! Give the gift ofgiggles with our Firecracker chocolate bars. The nice,balanced heat from the chipotle plays perfectly with the sea saltand the unexpected fun of popping candy. A favorite of kidsand grown-ups alike, we guarantee you've never had anything likethe Firecracker!

... And promptly ordered $130 worth of Chuao Firecracker chocolate and assorted ChocoPods. That's right...I spent over $100 on CHOCOLATE (while actively trying to lose weight on Weight Watchers) and I don't care.

I won't even care if the box is gigantic and says "CHOCOLATE FOR FATTIES" all over it while being hand delivered by Ryan Gosling...I will grab it, rip it open, and stuff another pod into my mouth before even acknowledging that another human being is within 3 feet of me. (and really, by that time, he has probably already assumed I am rabid or autistic)

The moral of this story is - this candy will make you morph into a wild animal, unable to focus on anything but the prey sitting in front of it...OR you have no soul.

Election Day Confession

2011-11-08T14:29:00.000-05:00

I spent more time Googling "Kim Kardashian Divorce" and "Kim Kardashian Minnesota" than what each city council member up for election stood for.

(Note: I am irrationally invested in Kim Kardashian's "marriage"... I got so excited on Sunday when I thought they may be reconciling. Sigh. #singlewhitegirlproblems )

#Singlewhitegirlproblems: The Things I Should Be More Embarrassed To Admit Edition

2011-11-03T21:29:00.004-04:00

This week has been a whirlwind of tulle, zombie makeup, vodka, and (dare I say it?) KARDASHIAN. If I am honest with myself, this 5 day hangover has provided me with a list of #singlewhitegirl "embarrassments." Am I ashamed? Sorta. Should I freely admit them to the public? Probably not. Will I? You betcha!

This weekend, I was dubbed "The Human Honey Badger" after bullying the Muchacho into giving me his food by stealing things from him, including iPhone and sunglasses. I immediately posted this glorious feat to Facebook as an "Epic Win." My parents replied back that they didn't understand why I would want to be in the "weasel family." Family Fail. #singlewhitegirlproblems

I played hide & go seek with my 10lb rat dog tonight. At one point she stopped looking. I felt rejected. #singlewhitegirlproblems

I started crying while watching a Hallmark commercial. I was so shaken up that I left the following HeyTell messages for The Muchacho:
- "FUH-KING Hallmark. They just had a little commercial with a fuckin' book and it had this little kid recorded reading it. And his dad was a goddamned soldier. *sniffle* Goddam holiday commercials." ...
- "The only way they could have made me cry harder was if a fucking puppy jumped out of the card and was immediately hit by a car." #singlewhitegirlproblems

While going through the contacts in my phone, I ran across the following "Alec Young Dude." I wondered who he was so I clicked on the contact. The only information captured (besides his digits) was "Friends with my cousin. Born in 1987..." Kentucky Derby Strikes Again! #singlewhitegirlproblems

Actual text messages I sent tonight to Mr. GayMess and Mademoiselle BlondeMess: "Any interest in going to a jazz show tonight so I can meet my future ex boyfriend?" "My hair and makeup aren't terrible. Want to wing for me?" #singlewhitegirlproblems

Maybe I really should start tagging these as #sorrymomanddadbutthismylife or #reasonswhyiamstillsingle. Ha!

Halloween Costume 2: Black Swan

2011-10-26T23:32:00.003-04:00

For the second installment of HauteMess Halloween How-To's, I used your sidebar votes to determine costume #2. By popular demand, I will share the secret to creating your very own Black Swan QueenMess! But please, I demand that you listen to this song from the movie while reading: Clint Mansell – Perfection

As you may recall, I created both the White Swan and Black Swan costumes for an outdoor Amazing Race in Cincinnati this past August. I didn't take pictures during the creation process - so my step by step instructions may suck. (sorry!) However, if I can do it, anyone can!

I wanted to win a costume contest with a truly authentic look, but I didn't want to spend more more money than the best costume prize was worth. Most pre-made tutus were expensive and American Apparel hates curvy girls, so this $75 skirt barely covered my ass cheeks. After trying on a too small skirt and scratching my head trying to figure out my "tutu size," I said "FUCK IT! We'll do it live."

Here is how YOU, too, can make your very own Black Swan Costume for less than the cost of one embarrassingly small American Apparel Skirt. (I had a Jo-Ann Fabric coupon so I only paid about $20 for craft supplies, $2 for white cream makeup, $15 for new tights, and I owned almost everything else.)

HauteMess Halloween Costume #2: Becoming Black Swan

DIY SUPPLIES:

2.5 Yards of BLACK Tulle
Braided elastic band as the tutu waist band - measure your waist and make sure you buy enough to cover the size of your waist plus 4-6 inches. Because I am too cheap to buy a closure so I just used the excess elastic to tie a bow as the closure for my tutu.
Glitter Foam Paper in BLACK
Glitter Foam Tiara - Any color will do, you are basically buying this for parts. You will use the tiara to trace on the black foam paper and the plastic coil to fasten your new black crown.
Feather Decor - I found a semi-circle black feather spray at Michael's Crafts, and it sits behind the tiara perfectly, adding a spray of feathers at the top.
SCISSORS & GLUE GUN!

THE TUTU (a.k.a. the next Two-tu hours of your life...get it? 2 hours? HA!)
I referenced a few websites with tutorials on "No Sew" tutus. Other people may explain better than I do - feel free to google it. Every housewife in America also seems interested in this craft! :)

Step 1: Cut the tulle into strips about 2-3" wide and 36" long. (this was long enough to create the look in the picture at the top. You can adjust the size of your strips to match your height & coverage desired) Remember, you can always cut it shorter if you need to later, you can never make it longer!

Step 2: Place elastic waist band on your clean work surface (personally, I just used my lap while watching TV) and cut elastic to the length of your waist PLUS 6-8 inches. Measure 3 inches in on both ends of the elastic - you want to keep these empty because you will use these "tails" to tie the tutu closed when it's time to wear.

Step 3: Get ready to tie a million knots. Starting 3 inches in from the tip of the elastic, tie your tulle strips in a knot around the elastic. (to save time and add fullness, I doubled up and used two strips per knot) The knot should be tied in the middle of the tulle strip so that the remaining tails are equal in length. These tails will be the approximate length of your tutu. But, keep in mind that as the tutu fills up, it will get shorter.

Step 4: Repeat about a million times, or until you run out of tulle. Place the knots fairly close to each other, evenly spaced. You can always slide them around on the elastic if you need to tighten them up. Make sure you leave enough space at the ends of your elastic. I caught up on Entourage while making this. It is a really mindless activity once you get started, so pour a glass of wine and turn on the trash TV!

(TIP: to break up the monotony, I alternated between cutting and knotting by only cutting about 10-12 strips of tulle at a time and tied them immediately.)

Step 5: Once you are done, simply tie the elastic tails in a little knot/bow around your waist. Move the strips of tulle around to evenly space as necessary.

(TIP: If you want it to look just a wee bit shorter without cutting anything, just scrunch your tulle like an 80s perm. See below for the "scrunched" version)

THE SWAN CROWN:
Step 1: Remove the coil from your foam tiara and set aside. (you will use this later)
Step 2: Lay out the black glitter foam sheet, glitter side down.
Step 3: Position the foam tiara on the foam paper flat, and trace around the edges.
Step 4: Cut the tiara shape out of the black glitter foam sheet.
Step 5: Poke small holes in black tiara that mirror those in the original foam tiara.
Step 6: Take the coil and thread through new holes in the black tiara. (TIP: I would pull two full coils out on each side to make it secure)

Step 7: Use hot glue gun to secure the feather decor to the back of your tiara so that feather stick out above the center.

OTHER COSTUME NEEDS:

Black bustier/tank top/tube top - your choice how slutty you want to look
White tights - I chose to buy new tights for this costume, so I went with Capezio Dancer tights from Amazon.
Bloomers/shorts - something to go UNDER your tutu. Again - you choose your own adventure here!
Ballet flats - I have some pink ballet flats that I just plan to wear next time (since last time we wore these with running shoes for the race)
OPTIONAL: Feather Boa - this can be fastened to your arms to create a "Becoming Black Swan" look from the final scene of the movie. I plan to thread mine through the spaghetti straps on my tank top and with elastic hair ties around my wrists

MAKE UP - Make up is the final touch that make this a BLACK SWAN costume and not just some chick in a tutu. I used this YouTube tutorial with White Cream makeup (found in the Halloween aisle) and other cosmetics I already own. Bonus: If you accidentally poke yourself in the eye with an eyeliner pencil, the red eye effect will only add to the authenticity of you costume. (true story)

GOOD LUCK! Let me know what you hope to see next!

Halloween Costume 1: HauteMess Golightly

2011-10-24T22:37:00.001-04:00

This weekend is like my own personal Super Bowl...I have been preparing all year to dazzle the crowds for Halloween. Costumes are my passion, and I created not just one but FIVE costumes this year!

SO - now that I am done creating my costumes, I am offering my services to YOU this week! Need help with costume ideas? I am here to help you dress as something besides a "Sexy Cliché." Email me if you don't get what you need from the blog: misshautemess@gmail.com

HauteMess Halloween Costume #1: Hungover Holly Golightly

Holly Golightly is one of the most epic characters of all time. Audrey Hepburn made the world fall in love with a perpetually selfish, gold-digging party girl who may or may not have given sexual favors in "the powder room." The picture of her wearing the long black dress and rhinestone tiara is revered as a symbol of class and elegance...even though she was actually doing a walk of shame, likely drunk eating that pastry and contemplating theft. God I love her!

However, MY favorite image of Holly is the one where she wakes up past noon, hungover, wearing a sexy man's tuxedo shirt while her new neighbor "Fred" rambles on.

And because I already know that I will feel EXACTLY like this on Day 3 of MoogFest, I knew this would be a perfect costume to create!

Key Element # 1: The "I Probably Just Had Sex" Look
The oversized Tuxedo Sleep shirt (you can pick a discounted one one up here) is a critical element of this costume. The only relevant thing I ever learned from Tom Cruise was that people LOVE lots of leg peeking out from under a crisp white shirt (Risky Business, yo).

The power of this shirt is that it turns regular BedHead into sex hair in 5 buttons flat!

Because I am tall - I didn't trust a regular oversized shirt to cover my ass, so I bought a Boyfriend Shirt Dress and used a seam ripper, a gray paint pen, and a sharpie marker to create the tux effect.

Key Element #2: The "I Couldn't Care Less About What You Are Saying" Pieces
The quintessential costume pieces that make this Holly Golightly and not just some drunk bridesmaid who woke up in the wrong outfit are the Eye Mask and Ear Plugs.

I have been wearing the I bought Eye Mask from Fred Flare for months now - it is actually the piece that inspired the whole costume. For $15, it is an adorable knockoff of the iconic mask.

The ear plugs were a little harder - I love the tassels, but hate the idea of wearing something in my ears all night. SO I decided to make tassel earrings. At Jo-Ann Fabric, I found a couple options to make my own earrings. A smaller, subtler sized, pre-made tassel that resembled the movie earplugs OR I could make a brighter & danglier pair myself.

I picked up two 39cent packs of embroidery yarn, blue copper wire, and earring hooks is all it took to make earrings that will stand out against my hair and be noticed in my Facebook photos!

And...TA DA! HauteMess Golightly reporting for Hungover Halloween duty! (all for under $50!)

Other costumes I am willing to post this week are: Princess Sweet Dee from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Black Swan & White Swan, and the quintessential 2011 Zombie. Which ones do YOU want to see?

If The World Ends...This Is What I Will Be Doing....

2011-10-21T10:19:00.001-04:00

Happy End of the World Friday! (in case you didn't know, that was dripping with sarcasm)

It's that time of year again - not just the time where Harold Camping pretends to know when the world will end, BUT ALSO the time for PUMPKINS!

Mr. GayMess and Senorita CalienteMess are coming over tonight for a good ol' fashioned Pumpkin Pre-Party. We will drink pumpkin spiced beer and spiced wine while create artful masterpieces on a Pumpkin Canvas.

But, when Mr. GayMess asked if THIS is what we should be doing "at the end of the world," I simply answered, "DUH. And if that isn't exciting enough, then we can rob a bank or something. Maybe we can wear the pumpkins on our head and rob banks. WOW - I just came up with another GAZILLION dollar movie idea! The Legend of Sleepy Hollow meets Dead Presidents."

However, since not all of us were particularly skilled at carving, (I am looking directly at you, CalienteMess!)...

I have decided to use my new "glittering" skills to create stunningly gorgeous backup pumpkins! (also because CalienteMess can't be trusted with sharp objects after last year's "Cut Your Own" bangs fiasco!) I'll let you know how it goes! :)

No, really...THIS Is the End of the World As We Know It...Probably

2011-10-19T07:44:00.000-04:00

Good old Harold Camping is at it again.... (For those of you who missed my incredibly accurate and insightful description of the rapture, you can read it here.)

The end of the world didn't happen on May 21st like he definitively promised it would, so he is now claiming that his calculations were just a teensy bit off. The Rapture is now on OCTOBER 21st. Probably.

Judging from the looks of the cat, the only thing at risk of expiring this week is HIM.

I love crazy people as much as the next gal, but this shiester convinced his followers to donate all their worldly possessions to him last May because the world was ending. When asked if he would return the money - of course he said, "NO." My prediction? Saturday Headlines Read: "World Still Here. Harold Camping Still Rich From Your Donations."

In the unlikely event that the world disappears on Friday, I think I would like to be in my Black Swan costume...because I am really proud of hand making it and would hate for the world to end before I rocked it for Halloween. Also, I will be sipping champagne.

So now, I know what I am doing Friday night. Where will YOU be when the world DOESN'T end this Friday?

The Hottest US Presidents: My New Obsession

2011-10-17T21:07:00.001-04:00

Have you ever had one of those nights where you and yourfriends get so engrossed in a conversation that you can’t pull yourself out? Even when others around you begyou to “PUH- LEASE! Stop talking about Alexander Hamilton!” Yet, you are certain that if they justlisten to this one more fun fact, they, too, will fall in love with the AaronBurr vs Alexander Hamilton duel as much as you did!

While wine buzzed, my friends and I started chatting about presidents. It started very innocently; someoneasked, “Which street does BlondeMess live on?”

“I forget. ButI DO know that it is the name of one of the presidents. Not Adams. NotMadison.”

“Franklin?”

“There was no President Franklin, jackass.”

“What about BEN Franklin…JACKASS?”

“I will bet you any amount of money that he was neverpresident. Google it.”

We proceeded to google “Lists of presidents.” While perusing the list of names, itsuddenly seemed very important to me to remember which president died aftercatching pneumonia during his Inaugural Speech. While poring over the list of names, I also felt that it wasCRITICAL to figure out who the hottest presidents are… (sidenote: I was right...Ben Franklin was never president)

For some reason I thought I remembered a teacher telling methat Woodrow Wilson was hot. (With a name like “Woodrow,” you would have to beright?) FAIL.

So I decided to take a crack at guessing who was hot, sinceI really don’t know what most men from the 19^th century looked like. My first guess: “Zachary Taylor.” I recognize a hot guy name when I seeone – like a cross between Zack Morris and Jonathon Taylor Thomas – he had tobe hot, right? RIGHT! SCORE. Old “Rough and Ready” was much better looking thanWoodrow Wilson and with a nickname like that, I can only assume he had hisshare of interns bent over the Oval Office desk well before good old Willy.

All of this enthralling conversation and googling led us toTHE BEST ARTICLE I have ever seen on this subject. “Top 43 Sexiest U.S. Presidents” onNerve.com.

We feverishly read through the list, cackling over the hilarious justifications for the ranking...because lets be honest, politicians are NOT known for being hot...much less politicians of the 18th and 19th centuries. (TV may be a cause for falling test scores and increasing waist sizes, but we will be forever indebted to its contribution to the Hotness level of politicians.)

As we neared the end of the list, counting down from 43, we tried to guess the top 3. Racking our brains, "Who is missing?? Obama. Kennedy. And who...." As we scrolled down the list slowly...

#3 - Obama

#2... Kennedy ??? (GASP! - literally, men and women alike, our entire group gasped!)

#1?!?! The Hottest President of the United States also happened to be THE most badass President...

Teddy Roosevelt! a.k.a. The ORIGINAL Chuck Norris

He was a ninja (black belt in Jujitsu, for realz), a pistol totin' cowboy, New York City Police Commissioner (where he would regularly walk officers' beats late at night and early in the morning to make sure they were on duty), Assistant Secretary of the Navy, Governor of New York, a war hero, and a Badger Owner. (source)

Honey Badger don't give a shit?? NO. Teddy Roosevelt didn't give a shit. In 1903, during a parade in Kansas, while most Americans were waving miniature flags and throwing flowers, a badass little girl (no doubt a member of my distant family tree) launched a live badger at the President. Most Presidents would have executed that badger and had that girl arrested, waterboarded, and killed.

Not T.R. He kept the badger as a pet, naming him Josiah, and let Josiah scamper around the white house nipping at people's heels. However, as a fellow blogger over at Cracked.com said,

"It should be noted that getting your heels bitten by a wild badger was the least-violent greeting one could hope for when passing through the Roosevelt White House."

In an attempt not to plagiarize every awesome site about my new favorite Dream Boat, I leave you with one last anecdote about our Hottest President. In 1912, while campaigning, T.R. stopped to give a speech in Milwaukee, WI. There, he was shot in the chest during a failed assassination attempt; his team urged him to go to a hospital and seek immediate medical treatment, but he just shrugged it off and insisted on giving his speech.

Yes, that's right. Teddy Roosevelt stood in front of a crowd of proud Americans with a fresh gunshot wound to the chest. He opened this speech with:

"Friends, I shall ask you to be as quiet as possible. I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose.

Upon hearing of T.R.'s death in 1919 (with that 7 year old bullet still in his chest), Vice President Thomas R. Marshall said,

"Death had to take him in his sleep, for if he was awake there'd have been a fight."

BAD.ASS. I am now historically in love.

A HauteMess How-To: Shoe Glittering

2011-10-10T21:43:00.003-04:00

BACKGROUND:
Like a small child or animal, I am attracted to all things sparkly and shiny. Glitter is one of my many guilty pleasures in life. I secretly miss the days when body glitter was passed freely around the college dorm bathroom as we all got whore'd up for a frat party.

Sadly though, I retired the body glitter along with my "Mrs. Timberlake" tank top years ago. I have resigned myself to wearing glitter only on the most special of occasions (Halloween!) ... UNTIL NOW!

Inspired by the shoes I have seen at Kate Spade and Miu Miu - OR, more honestly, the racks at DSW and the websites of Kate Spade and Miu Miu...I realized that my lifelong obsession with glitter need not be confined to Halloween and drunken nights in college: I can wear glitter on my feet everyday!

Flats by All Saints
Pumps by Kate Spade

Glitter shoes have expanded beyond the night club and the holiday season and is not on ballet flats and converse and oxfords! However, all those glittery dream shoes are out of my price reach for now. (Hey! Parisian vacations and converting your basement into a speakeasy aren't free, you know!) I decided that if I want them enough, I would have to figure out how to make them myself!

I now present you with....

A HauteMess How-To: Drunken Glittering

Items Needed:

Shoes (duh!) : I purchased a couple pairs of shoes from the clearance rack at DSW. For me, the color didn't matter because I planned to envelop my new shoe completely in its very own glitter coat. I considered buying cheaper shoes at Target - but opted for manufacturers that I trust not to give me blisters. (I got these Steve Madden ballet flats for $24)
Mod Podge : I recommend the original formula, called Gloss Lustre. I didn't want the to dull the flash on my new glam'd up shoes. (approx. $5)
Foam Paint Brush : I actually tried both a foam brush and a regular bristle brush, but I chose the foam because it applied more evenly and quickly without leaving stray hairs behind. I didn't think hairy shoes from a cheap paint brush would be sexy. (4 pack for $1.99)
Painters' Tape or Masking Tape : This works well to protect the areas of the shoe you would like to be glitter free, like the sole or the inside. (I had some laying around so I don't know how much it costs...but I bet it's cheap to buy)

GLITTER!!! : You can either go with your gut once you are in the glitter aisle OR pick out an inspiration shoe in advance and buy your sparkles accordingly. I personally was inspired by this J. Crew flat (for $135 plus shipping! no way, I'll make my own, thanks.) so I picked both silver and gold. I also chose two sizes of glitter in each color (fine and coarse) for added depth. ($6 for the multiple tubes of glitter, on sale)

L'inspiration

Step 1: The Mis-en-Place of Glittering! (Culinary reference...I once took a cooking class)
Pour a glass of wine...(brie and baguette optional) And have another activity or hobby lined up - tv, magazine, phone date, real date....trust me! You will need something to do in between coats of glitter glue.

Lay down newspaper or some other coverall for your workspace. You are about to create glitter glue...and as much fun as that will be on your shoes, you may not like it so much on a table/couch/floor/dogbed.

Use the painters' tape to protect any areas where you don't want glitter - rubber soles, the inside of the shoe under grommets, the edges. I applied the tape to the tip of the toe, for a two-tone look.

Step 2: Making the Magic Goop
Using a plastic cup or bowl, mix Mod Podge and Glitter. A good rule to start is 2 parts Mod Podge to 1 part glitter, and then add more glitter as desired. The consistency should be creamy enough to spread evenly - not chunky or pasty. 3oz was enough for my shoes.

Step 3: The First Coat
Start painting your shoes with fabulousness! BUT - the first layer will feel like a failure. The glitter will be sparser than you imagined, the glue won't be clear yet, and you will be tempted to not follow my next instructions... don't fall victim! Just trust me...and drink your wine!

Paint a THIN, EVEN coat of your glitter goop on the shoe.
Notice the bald spots and the thin glitter streaks. Then remember, this is not like icing a cake - laying it on thick will not make it more attractive! Marathon not a sprint. Yadda yadda yadda.
Take a drink of wine.
Once the shoe is coated in ONE thin, even layer, set it down on the newspaper.
Walk away. (a watched pot never boils)
Leave the shoe, leave the cup of goop.
Bring your wine.
Do something else for approximately 20-30min. (watch TV/talk to girlfriends/have a quickie AND finish that glass of wine)
Once the first coat has dried (you can tell because the white glue will be clear and glossy) - pour another glass, and sit down for round two.

P.S. If you are truly concerned that the glitter is too sparse, add more to your goopy mix...but DON'T add another wet layer of glue before the first one dries.

Step 4: Glitter Until Your Heart's Content
Repeat step 3. The next coat will go on much better! You will be ecstatic - you will toast to yourself and brilliance for weathering that storm! BUT this layer of glue will take slightly longer to dry...so impatience is the enemy and wine is your friend. (note: the painters tape also helps keep your paint job looking precise even when your motor skills get a little fuzzy)

Keep repeating until you have achieved your desired coverage. Just remember to stay busy during the 35+min hiatus between coats...otherwise you will literally be watching glue dry...with wine in your hand.

My shoes only took 3 coats. BUT because I was creating 2-toned shoes, I had to remove the tape after the final coat of gold glitter was dry and repeat both step 3 AND 4 with the silver toe tip.

And, THIS is where I messed up. I didn't budget for the extra silver time. By the time my TV shows were over and my bottle of wine empty - I resorted to listening to sad music on repeat. I ended up crying...with glitter on my fingers and face. Not pretty. (well, sort of pretty...it was silvery!)

Step 5: Finish 'Em (optional)
For a more protected shoe that doesn't leave a trail of glitter behind it, use a cleaned foam brush to distribute one final thin and even coat of PLAIN Mod Podge on top of the Glitter.
(note: by protected, I just mean protected from glitter shedding. Mod Podge is not a waterproof sealant - these shoes are ok to get a little wet, but I won't wear them in the rain or anything)

For a more "store-bought" looking shoe, skip the clear coat finisher. I don't know why, but most of the shoes in the stores have a rough, glitter dandruff-y surface that sheds.

Finish your wine. Go to bed.

Step 6: Wake up to stunning new shoes!

(then take pics of your shoes and email them to me!! misshautemess@gmail.com)

Note: My glitter converse are coming soon!

You Might Be a HauteMess If...

2011-10-07T15:33:00.000-04:00

You Might Be a HauteMess If...
You get drunk while glittering your shoes, then later find yourself listening to a Richard Marx cover song ON REPEAT in bed until it makes you cry because you think you deserve a boyfriend.

(P.S. this music video is creepy and hilarious....if I had been watching this instead of listening to the mp3 on my iPhone, I would have cried from laughter...no really, I DARE you to watch it without laughing OUT LOUD!)

P.S. No shoes were not harmed in this process...they just became more fabulous! If you want tips on how to transform your very own plain jane shoes into shimmery stunners - let me know and I will post about it!

RIP Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T00:42:00.000-04:00

As most of you have seen via bulk Facebook updates, tweets and retweets, special tv broadcast interruptions, and countless articles - Steve Jobs passed away on Wednesday, October 5th.

I look up to Steve Jobs. As a visionary, a leader, and a revolutionary.

He fundamentally changed the lives of our generation. I can't tell you how many times I read on an online dating profile about the iPhone being among the Top 5 things that person can't live without. (I actually also count myself as one of those people - I once said that I don't even need a boyfriend because my iPhone keeps me warm at night...and it does.)

I own a MacBook Pro, an iMac, an iPod shuffle, and old school iPod (with a janky battery, but I still refuse to throw it away), an old iPhone 3GS that I use as an iPod touch now, and an iPhone 4. The little white apple has permeated my life in just about every room of my home...AND I paid extra for a stereo so that I can bring my iPod with me in my car so that it really is WHEREVER I go. I no longer can stand to go even 5 seconds without knowing the answer to a random trivia question before I grab my iPhone and look it up. My iPhone is the last thing I touch before bed and the first thing I grab in the morning after turning the alarm off.

Steve Jobs is a part of my life, and I am truly saddened to know that he lost his life so young.

But -the thing that I find so amazing is how inspired I am right now by his words from many speeches while he was alive. Speeches that I have watched online years ago...powerful words that went in one ear and out the other. Yet, somehow all of those words are sticking with me tonight and encouraging me to chase my dreams. "Stay hungry. Stay Foolish."

Steve Jobs: How to live before you die | Video on TED.com

"When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." -- Steve Jobs

I may never be a fraction as impactful as Mr. Jobs, but somehow he just gave me the strength to believe that I can. By the time Steve was my age, he had already founded Apple and was about to be ousted by his board of directors...maybe now is the time to start thinking more seriously about my dream job. I have always wanted to own my own business, but I want it to be something I love doing and not just something I am good at doing. To honor Steve (a.k.a. my father-in-law given how much I heart my iPhone), I am going to take his advice.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Thank you.

Another Year Older, Another Year...

2011-10-04T20:18:00.001-04:00

I turned 29 this past weekend!!! To celebrate, I did the same thing I do every year...

I overworked myself every day leading up to the big day...obsessing over throwing the perfect over-the-top theme party. (This year was Roaring 20s - to celebrate the last year of MY roaring 20s) (Previous years were "High School Kegger - Dress like a high school stereotype", "Quarter Life Crisis: Come Dressed as What You Really Wanted to Be When You Grew Up", "Countdown to Cougar", "You Only Turn 21 Once (a year)")
I ate as little as possible so that I could look AH-MAH-ZING in my specially selected party dress.
I consumed approximately 2 bottle of champagne, 4 oz of gin, and a shot of Moonshine.
I danced my face off, blew out my birthday candles, and soaked up being the center of attention for hours!
I passed out wearing my full face of make up and party dress.
I woke up in same party dress and make up - hair still held in place with 25 bobby pins, and immediately poured a glass of champagne.
I peer pressured The Muchacho into drinking champagne, we turned on Girl Talk, and started cleaning my house. (drinking champagne first thing in the morning on your birthday really takes the edge off of cleaning)
Got drunk, turned on the fog machine and the red light in the makeshift Speakeasy that I constructed in my basement and had a 10am dance party.
Passed out while attempting to watch "The Goonies" TWICE...not once, but TWICE! (still wearing my flapper costume...hair, makeup, pearls, everything...)
Woke up with a sore throat and a cold.

Paris: Trip to Saint-Émilion

2011-09-28T23:11:00.000-04:00

To break up the our trip to France a bit - Mr. GayMess and I decided to go to Bordeaux. I loved Paris, but I knew that I couldn't be that close to French wine country without dousing myself in a vat of red wine!

A Funny Thing Happened...

When we went to check into the lovely 17th Century Chateau Bed & Breakfast that we booked... It was a little awkward to find out they recently dubbed themselves "The Love Castle" with my cousin!

This was made worse when we found the room only had one bed.

As hard as we tried to forget that this B&B had recently decided to become a romantic destination for lovers, the wifi network name continued to remind us everytime we turned on our smartphones.

ME: "I can't believe we are at a place called "loves castle""
MR. GAYMESS: "well you better start believing it because we are about to sleep together.. Technically speaking."

And then we found Saint-Émilion...

François, our Love Castle Director, was simply flabbergasted that we would arrive to a countryside B&B with no car. Despite my constant determination to make public transport work, he was insistent that we needed someone to drive us around. Thankfully for us, a German couple saved us from what was certain to be the most awkward 26kilometer ride of our lives with François.

He convinced them to drive to Saint-Émilion and take us with them. And thank goodness he did - we would have lost so much time waiting on the sparse buses to take us from place to place. We ended up befriending the Germans and had a wonderful afternoon in a medieval city planted directly in the middle of amazing vineyards!

ME: "This is so neat. It's SOOO old."
MR. GAYMESS: "We have things this old in the U.S. They're Indian burial mounds."

Paris Day 2

2011-09-26T20:16:00.000-04:00

PAREEEEEE Day 2: Sights and Ice

Most of our second day in Paris was spent one culturally significant endeavors...

Musee D'Orsay


274 Steps to the top of the Arc de Triomphe


Inside the Louvre, looking up through the pyramid.

The famous symbol of France!

And then we went to a bar where we discovered that one of the best sellers is Schmirnoff ice!

While bar hopping through the Bastille District, Mr. GayMess and I had the following conversation:

Mr. GayMess: I just got pick pocketed by a gay man.
Me: I didnt know you had a hand job!
Mr. GayMess: NOOO. It was a pick pocket.
Me: By a gay man?
Mr. GayMess: Yes. But he didnt find anything.
Me: So... it WAS a hand job.

Then while discussing our insecurities with speaking French:

Mr. GayMess: I want to speak to them, but I know that I will just look crazy.
Me: Yeah, Foreign people are a lot like ghosts... You see them, but you never speak TO them because you aren't crazy.
Mr. GayMess: *gesturing to the old man behind him with white hair like Einstein*... Or because their hair frightens the fuck out of you and you can't look at them.

Paris Day 1

2011-09-25T19:51:00.000-04:00

I am back from my Parisian Adventures and have LOTS of wonderful stories to share! In the interest of ADHD...I must break the stories down into day by day segments. I now present you with....

PAR-EEEEE Day 1: Fleas, Corn, and Ugly Americans

We arrived Saturday morning, so naturally my first stop was the famous Parisian Flea Markets. I envisioned myself finding some marvelous vintage jacket with insanely impractical sparkly jewelry all priced like the deal of the century...instead, I found miles and miles of sickeningly BEAUTIFUL antiques and vintage jewels that were all out of my financial reach. Sigh.

However, I did uncover some surprising new trends:

GUESS is like the new Louis Vuitton among the ratty street peddlers who chase you around with knock offs. I was offered more GUESS than Chanel. How does that even happen?? 1993 called...it wants its favorite brand back.
French Street Food vendors are quite the entrepreneurs. They have gotten even leaner in their operations by cutting nearly all overhead. HOW? By setting up portable grills made from stolen shopping carts. And the French people LOVE it...I must have seen a hundred converted shopping carts serving up grilled corn on the cob and grilled chestnuts. I am not sure what the appeal is exactly, but I can say with certainty that I wouldn't eat corn from a homeless man's shopping cart if he paid me!
While not a "trend" - I think it is important to share that THIS is a real mannequin that a store felt okay with using to advertise men's clothing.

After the flea market, we walked 7 miles exploring the city and Sacre Couer. It was lovely!

But, the walking and the jetlag (and maybe the 2 bottles of wine) made us delirious. Most of our after dinner conversation consisted of us mixing English and French trying to horrify any fellow bar patrons who may be eavesdropping. We tried to think of the most preposterous phrases we could put together in the little French we know...

Imagine sitting at a table in America, listening to a couple speaking in loud, broken English talking about decomposing corpses. "Excuse me. I would like a decomposing corpse. I love the decomposing corspes."

Other phrases that you may have heard if sitting next to us:

"Je suis vegeterien, mais jadore le cock." (I am a vegetarian, but I love the cock.)
"Comment dit-on 'flaccid' en français?" (How does one say 'flaccid' in French?)
"Excusez-moi, comment dit-on 'pull out method'?" (Excuse me, how does one say 'pull out method'?)

Needless to say, I still giggle thinking about shouting "pull out method" in the middle of a bar over the loud music, just hoping that someone would overhear us.

I'm Going to Par-eeeee!!!

2011-09-15T22:05:00.000-04:00

Bonjour, Bitches!

In 24 hours from now, Mr. GayMess and I will be on an airplane crossing the Atlantic Ocean for some international debauchery!

Back in June, I decided that I needed to take a REAL vacation. After watching "Midnight in Paris," I quickly booked a plane ticket. I then overdrafted my bank account 7 days later... While this may not be the wisest money decision I have ever made, I haven't had a real, 7 day vacation in 5 years. I sooo need this!

To prepare for this trip, I have been focused on only the MOST important things:

1. Getting my hair cut into a Rose Byrne style...channeling Brigitte Bardot so that I can be an international sex symbol! I started growing my bangs out 6 months ago...but when in Rome!

2. Taking online French courses to refresh the long forgotten French classes I took for 6 years. So far I have the following phrases down:

- Plus de vin, s'il vous plaît.

- J'adore champagne.

- Je veux vous embrasser.

- Comment dit-on gang bang en francaise?

3. Purchasing clothing worthy of Paris...sequins (I may have an addiction to them right now), sheer tops, skinny black jeggings, scarves and jackets...I bought so many new "France clothes" that I am not completely sure they will fit in my luggage!

4. Making a list of goals. No trip is ever complete without a list of goals...goals should always be simple, any maybe a bit naughty!

- Find something AWESOME (sparkly) at the French Flea Market to be my personal souvenir

- Get drunk and bicycle around French Wine Country.

- Eat cheese or pastry every day. (and since Mr. GayMess is vegan...more for me!)

- Spend hours at a sidewalk cafe...probably getting drunk in the afternoon and making fun of passersby in pig latin (since most people will understand what we say in English)
- Kiss under the Eiffel Tower

To really up the ante, I thought it would be even FUNNIER if Mr. GayMess and I ended up kissing the same guy under the Eiffel Tower but on different nights and we didn't know it. I pictured it like the bi-curious, semi promiscuous version of "The Boy Is Mine" video. I, of course, would be Monica and he would be Brandy. We just need to find our shady Mekhi Phifer.

While perusing the travel aisle at Target last night, this idea sort of snowballed into the even funnier idea....Triple Kiss under the Eiffel Tower! However, logistically that may be tough since he and I can't be in the same triple kiss because we are related. I mean, we are going to France not West Virginia. Each of us finding two boys to kiss seemed a little daunting.

But then we devised ANOTHER, even funnier plan to avoid the ick factor of "kissing cousins" and the extra effort of picking up two strangers each. We both just need to find our own semi promiscuous, bi-curious male. Then we must our new friends to the Eiffel Tower where they will each take turns kissing us at separate times.

Yes, yes, I know this is a very disturbing plot to be hatched on a Wednesday night at a midwestern Target store...but something about seeing an aisle full of tiny soaps makes me slap happy!

So anyway, here's to triple kissing under the Eiffel Tower!! Wish me luck!

(OH - and since I am not bringing my computer with me...blogging may be difficult...hopefully the computers in the hostel are free long enough for me to write a mid week update for you!)

What's Next? A DOWRY?

2011-09-13T08:45:00.000-04:00

I recently picked up on the ~~totally obvious~~ subtle hints from my father that he is ready to marry me off.

My Dad went to his 45th High School Reunion a couple weeks ago and reconnected with a long lost pal. He found out that this pal's son (a successful environmental engineer) is single...and lives in Cincinnati.

I am sure his thought process went something like this:

"My daughter CLEARLY isn't getting any younger, AND her taste in men is suspect. So now it is up to me to find someone to marry my daughter before she becomes a modern day (i.e. crass) Emily Dickinson."

He has told me not once, not twice, BUT THRICE all about how cool his friend's son sounds, and how I need to call him and be friends. Each time, I nod in fake agreement and say, "Yeah sure. Just get me the contact info." HA! I knew I had him there. I was POSITIVE that he didn't get the contact info from his friend and wouldn't be able to figure out how to get it.

Well, damn fucking Facebook.

My parents know firsthand how easy it is to stalk people on the reg from Facebook. My mom has had a Facebook account for 3 years and just stopped writing 'Thank You' notes on my friends' walls for being such good friends to me while growing up...she is now into the harder stuff: Photos, Places, and 'trolling status updates for clues.

For years, my dad was happy to stalk from over my mom's shoulder, glancing at our lives from a computer screen. Recently, he graduated into full-on hacking mom's account so he could creep around on Facebook from his BlackBerry. (Note: My dad can't figure out how to use the 'SHIFT' key when emailing, so he types in all caps....but somehow figured out how to hack my mom's Facebook account from his phone. I don't know if that is REAL irony - but I bet it fits the Alanis Morrisette definition fairly well.)

AND THEN... YESTERDAY.... in my inbox....it was staring me in the face.....THE DAD FRIEND REQUEST. Seconds later...the phone call from "Home" asking me to accept the request.

Since my Dad doesn't know how to type without cyber-shouting, he just stood over my mom's shoulder and dictated to her what to say on his shiny, new profile. Then having her call me when she couldn't figure out how to add or change something. I spent the better part of my hangover Sunday watching his friend list grow steadily with The Muchacho, SisterMess, Senorita CalienteMess, Mademoiselle BlondeMess, Mr. GayMess, and 57 of my other friends.

Anyhow, long story short, he joined Facebook for the sole purpose of joining his high school reunion Facebook Group. This allowed him to contact his old "pal" and promptly acquire the son's contact information. Coincidence?? I think NOT!

Being that I just decided to follow the "No Thank You Bite" approach - I had to bite off a big chunk of one of my worst nightmares...following through on a parental set up. (Parental date set up is right behind behing tipped over in a port-a-potty, door side down!)

However, I refuse to let this newfound slyness get out of control, so I sent my parents the following email (real email, I swear) shortly after crafting one of the universe's most awkward Facebook Messages:

Dear Mom and Dad,
Please Note: I am not oblivious to the fact that this is a set up. However, I like you both enough to pick my battles. But please be warned, I draw the line at publicly offering a dowry on eBay.
Sincerely,
HauteMess

No word yet from the potential suitor - but I will let you know if I ever hear back from him and he isn't creeped out.

The "No Thank You Bite" Approach to Life

2011-09-11T22:22:00.000-04:00

When I was in elementary school, there was a popular torture device my class's Aid would employ every day in the cafeteria. It is called the "No Thank You Bite."

She forced all of us to eat at least one bite from each pile of beige colored mush. (I swear I thought that even cooked carrots and the cherry filling of pies were brown until I was 20) If our plates looked like we hadn't touched one compartment of the tiny divided chamber tray, she would scold us then watch as we lifted the sporks to our tiny little mouths...she often made us swallow AND stick out our tongues to prove we weren't hiding anything under there.

As a child, the "No Thank You Bite" method is how I discovered that I hated cooked carrots, yams, corn casserole, salisbury steak, candied apples, broccoli, lettuce, school ketchup, and "cherry" pie. I would dramatically choke back all these bites then moan and groan loudly to express my distaste. I remember telling Mrs. Lewis once that I was grown up enough to know what I liked and what I didn't like...so no thank you to HER.

I am pretty certain she yanked me by my ear to the corner where I had to sit and think about controlling my "smart mouth." And if you are a regular reader, you already know how "effective" that time out was for controlling my "smart mouth." If only she could see me now, I am certain she would be so fucking proud.

Anyhow, I decided to employ this method to further enhance my Yearlong Quest of Yes. (Note: the only real nuance is that the Year of Yes is about trying new things that I don't know how well I will like them...the "No Thank You Bite" is trying things that I feel pretty certain I hate.)

As it turns out, I owe Mrs. Lewis a giant "THANK YOU!"

This week, I discovered that I like hiking! I don't know if you know this - but it is just WALKING! But in the woods and for hours. The best part is, you don't even really need those unflattering boots! I like it so much that I even took Bitchy Little Rat Dog on a hike this weekend - turns out she digs it, too! Who'dathunkit? Me - being outdoorsy in some way OTHER than getting drunk on patios.

Also, I just found out that I love Fantasy Football! I don't LOVE sports...but I love winning and smack talk. I am way too competitive to join a league and just half ass it...and this week I fell in love! I spent so much time this week trying to research the NFL and Fantasy Football that I quit online dating again so that I could have more time for my team. (My team name is The Virgin Heis-men - Get it? because it is my first time playing Fantasy...and Heisman sounds like Hymen! Get it?) So, like my hero, Jenny from "The League," (an FX show that I have been totally crazy about even though I didn't know a lick about football) - I fully expect to surprise everyone with my mad skillz!

I am so excited about these newfound interests, that I can't wait to see what else I may like this week!

A Common Mistake

2011-09-07T09:16:00.000-04:00

While riding the Amtrak from Philly up to New York, I dozed off somewhere in New Jersey. When I awoke, I found myself sitting next to STANLEY TUCCI! He was asleep, but he looked exactly how I thought a sleeping Stanley Tucci would look. To be sure, I consulted Google Images and held my iPhone up next to his face for comparison.

YEP! Just like Stanley Tucci.

I immediately turned the flash on my camera off and tried to get a picture with him…then I realized that it may look like I drugged and violated him…so instead I just mentally noted all the important questions I had for him. “SO, what’s is Meryl Streep like?” “How pumped is he to be cast in The Hunger Games??” “Did he creep himself out during The Lovely Bones?”

Then he opened his eyes…false alarm. Not Stanley Tucci at all.

As Promised, Calamity Should Be My Middle Name

2011-09-06T08:12:00.000-04:00

I mentioned last week that Senorita CalienteMess and I were participating in the Cincinnati (charity) version of "The Amazing Race" dressed as "Black Swan." While preparing for the race, we had to decide who should be White Swan and who should be Black Swan. After CalienteMess hit me with her car Friday night, (as her car rolled backwards down my hill, her open car door assaulted my hip in a big, ugly, purple bruisy way) it was sealed that she would be Black Swan.

As predicted, we won the costume contest and the cash prize that came with it! However, it appeared that we were the ONLY people to get the Costume Contest Memo...in a see of runners wearing the obligatory blue race shirts, our black and white tutus stood out like sore thumbs.

I knew it without the cash prize and accolades, but those certainly helped confirm that we were dressed as Psycho Ballerinas for a 100 Degree Weather Race because we are awesome.

Also as predicted, in addition to being hit with Black Swan's car, I was injured DURING the race. In the first 15 minutes of the race, I tripped over some raised concrete because I couldn't see the ground under my large, puffy tutu. (#singlewhiteswanproblems)

I went flying into an intersection on the same side as my bum hip - catching road rash from my thigh to mid calf. Blood just ran down my leg for the next hour as I hobbled through the city.

Some of my favorite comments from the random pedestrians we zipped past as we ran through Downtown Cincinnati dresses in tutus, were:

"Did the Black Swan do that to you??" (when people saw my leg, they assumed Black Swan had pushed White Swan. My blood and battle scars became an amusing accessory to our already stellar costumes!)
"Please don't go eating more people." (When they saw CalienteMess's fast transformation into Zombie Black Swan as the 100 degree heat melted the black makeup all down her face.)

I am quite proud to announce that we finished the race in 15th place out of 90 teams!

After that performance, I tried to take it easy this weekend - resulting in way fewer blog stories than I hoped. BUT it did give me a chance to finish Season 4 of SKINS UK. (and by finish, I mean purchase it on iTunes since Netflix didn't have it, start it, and finish it within 2 days) I could start an entirely new post about how obsessed I am with Skins and how I am such a nerd who is so 5 years behind but still living vicariously through those Brits....but I won't. I'll save that for another rainy day.

#Singlewhitegirlproblems - Labor Day Weekend Edition

2011-09-02T12:39:00.000-04:00

Happy September!

Bad Decision August may be over...but I am still a walking calamity. This weekend, Senorita CalienteMess and I will be competing the Cincinnati version of the Amazing Race...dressed as Black Swan. Given that the weather is going to be 102 degrees with 80% humidity - I am thinking that we tell everyone that we are "Zombie Black Swan." So please stay tuned for reports including fatal injuries from stage makeup, twisted ankles while wearing Tutus, and general drunken debauch that comes standard with any long weekend. Happy Labor Day!

Rats! I bought the wrong size refills for my glue gun. Can you use super glue on swan feathers?? #singlewhitegirlproblems

After accepting a date with a suitor from OKCupid, I googled him. Google and Facebook revealed that his dating profile pictures were very misleading...BAD TEETH. So, rather than go on a date with him and his ugly mug, I deactivated my OK Cupid account so he couldn't contact me anymore. #shallowsinglegirlproblems

I don't know what happened. I used to be a soprano. Now, after years of drinking, I sound like a drag queen. #singlewhitegirlproblems

Something about his face makes me just want to be a bitch. Hmmm. THIS is why I am still single, eh? #singlewhitegirlproblems

Apparently, when I wake up (still drunk) at 5am, I think I am Buddy The Elf. Except, instead of sugar and maple syrup, my favorite food groups are Red Wine, Champagne, Vodka, and Pizza. #singlewhitegirlproblems

Hannnnggggggover. I think I just sneezed Patron. #singlewhitegirlproblems

You might be a HauteMess if your dad has to pick you up from an airport 2 hours away (after you were re-routed to avoid Hurrican Irene) because you are still too drunk to rent a car. #singlewhitegirlproblems

Let me lay a big fat pearl of wisdom on you...you want advice on how to prevent hangovers? NEVER.STOP.DRINKING! #singlewhitegirlproblems or #shouldicallyoursponsor?

Random, Random Dream...

2011-08-31T15:25:00.001-04:00

I had a dream last night about either a real commercial OR a mad TV skit … either way, on television there was an “ad” for a new college.

Indiana developed a new school called "DOT COMIE’S" and the mascot looked like Tyler Perry playing an old black lady. The commercial consisted of people wearing blue and white striped jumpsuits with their ridiculous majors printed on them while they rapped about how awesome the school is. The tone of the ad was like the Harlem Globetrotters organized a Prison Flash Dance. (like the one in Thailand where they did the Thriller video) Indiana was trying to say "hey! we get this new millennial generation!" by showing how "diverse" and "hip" they are.

At one point the rapper called out how amazing some girl’s DOUBLE D’s were, and that is why he decided to major in NEW JERSEY. (flash to Jersey Shore image)

Other majors included: Rain Forrest Animal Preservation and Classification, Societal Norms, and Answering Beauty Pageant Questions.

What does this mean? That I should go back to school, or attempt to write sketch comedy?

Real Events from the Delta Skyclub during Hurricane Irene

2011-08-31T08:25:00.000-04:00

A man in the SkyClub hit on me by telling me that I have the most incredible eyes of all time. The only thought in my head was, "HA! My eye makeup from last night must have been REALLY good." AND "My eyes are so bloodshot because I am still drunk." Then he asked if I was in town for the Dave Matthews Band concert...I barfed in my mouth.

A pregnant mother wrestled her unruly toddler to the ground and tried to restrain it...I considered opening my purse and taking today's and TOMORROW'S birth control pills pointedly, in plain sight while making eye contact with her. I imagined she would look back at me and smile, in agreement.

Come On Irene!

2011-08-27T08:04:00.003-04:00

In case you didn't know - the world is ending. Or something like that.

New York is preparing to be pummeled by Hurricane Irene...and I am sitting in the Delta Skyclub trying to decide whether to stay drunk (residual blood alcohol content from last night's Patron shots) or sober up in case I need to rent a car.

Last night, after I was informed that my 12:55pm flight today was cancelled, I made a logical decision. I went back in the bar and purchased a round of shots. The Silver Medallion phone lines had an estimated 60minute wait time ... but there was no wait time at the bar. So I ordered Patron from the Lower East Side Speakeasy, carried the espresso cups that they were served in back to my table of friends, and proverbially said "FUCK YOU IRENE."

Honestly, I would have LOVED to just stay in Manhattan, get drunk and stranded with good friends, and stop worrying about getting home...but that attitude didn't fly so well with my mother.

Real quotes from my mom last night:

"I had a gentleman from FEMA on my flight today and he said that this is going to be just like Katrina." (note: my mother is a flight attendant)
"Just so you know - I was watching TV and they were interviewing astronauts...from space. And they said that even from space this hurricane looks bad."
"You COULD DIE!"

As I apathetically sipped my Vodka & Water cocktail from a teacup, I received the following text from my mother: "You have been rebooked with a first class ticket to Columbus, Ohio. From there you will need to rent a car."

I simply replied, "Or call dad to come get me." And ordered another round of Patron and started texting myself "blog ideas" about Hurricane Irene and set an alarm for this morning.

At 5AM (2.5 hours later), the opening melody of George Michael's "Careless Whisper" blasted in my ear via my iPhone Alarm Clock App. I popped straight up out of bed and, just like Buddy the Elf, I started rattling off positive thoughts.
"YAY! I am already checked in!"
"Seat 1A - Woo!"
"Good news, I saw a dog today."
"Hey! My make up still loos great. Guess who's NOT washing her face this morning...ME!"
"Whoah. Guess what? I'm still drunk."

Now, as I sit here in the Delta SkyClub with my Bloody Mary (I decided that I have PLENTY of time to sober up if I need to rent a car and drive home...), I leave you with the quintessential Hurricane Irene playlist that I created last night. (a.k.a. 3 hours ago)

Come on Eileen (But change the word Eileen to "Irene...") - Dexys Midnight Runners
Hurricane - Bob Dylan
Umbrella - Rhianna
Blame It on the Rain - Milli Vanilli
Purple Rain - Prince
Waterfalls - TLC

Mute Math, Aziz Ansari, and Another Ex Gets Engaged!

2011-08-26T10:45:00.002-04:00

Since I have been insanely busy (lazy) this week while traveling up and down the Eastern Seaboard faster than Hurricane Irene, I present you with a Highlight Reel:

Mute Math:
If you have never seen Mute Math live - you must drop what you are doing, go to ticketmaster or whatever site you prefer, and purchase tickets immediately. They are incredibly high energy, talented, and HOT. I have always been in love with the lead singer, but last night he was looking extra tasty and extra talented. Mademoiselle BlondeMess and I sweated our faces off while realizing that we were the only two girls in the 250 person venue who weren't with boyfriends. So, I just imagined myself betrothed to the band...

Aziz Ansari:
After mistaking a random man on the train for Stanley Tucci earlier in the day, I was skeptical when I saw a small Indian man walking towards me....but after staring for an uncomfortable amount of time, I determined that the man was in fact Aziz Ansari. He was just strolling down 3rd Ave in the Lower East Side, basically begging for me to join them. (He had that look in his eye, "Hey! Tall lady...come with us!") Yet, when I did an about-face and started following him, Mademoiselle BlondeMess grabbed the back of my collar like a Mama Cat wrangling her kittens. So I didn't get a chance to meet him or let him buy me drinks all night...but in my mind, I did.

Good Luck Chuck (HauteMess) Strikes Again:

I can make ANY man get married...to the next girl he dates after me. Mr. Apathetic just got engaged. I am honestly happy for him. I decided that it was all too much to keep in and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself for 10min only. So I went into the bathroom at Senorita CalienteMess's New York Apartment and cried silently for 10min, wiped my tears, and got back into bed to start a new day. I am NOT sad because I miss him or it should have been me. But it is really really hard not to question my own value and what may be wrong with me...I mean, a girl can only send so many men into the arms of his future wife before questioning if she is doing SOMETHING wrong. However, SisterMess assured me that no one man I have ever dated was special enough...and that special guy is out there priming himself for me.

So I am not worried about myself or my future happiness, because I know that I am like wine & cheese! (I get better with age)

Happy Weekend!

2 Dates, 1 Night

2011-08-19T11:54:00.002-04:00

As you may recall, I started online dating again during "Sorry For Partying July." However, traveling 20 days a month really makes it hard to incorporate the "dating" into the equation...so, what's a girl to do with only 4 days of free time in August? Something that I have ALWAYS wanted to try.... 2 Dates, 1 Night.

Going on two different dates in one night isn't necessarily on my Bucket List or anything - but it definitely satisfies my 2011 "Year of Yes." (My New Year's Resolution IS to go on more dates...) I honestly thought I was going to get a great blog story out of the evening...but sadly, they were both relatively attractive-ish, nice, sort of funny guys.

I was hoping for something stand out...funny or otherwise. I mean, wouldn't that be a great story to tell at your engagement party. "The night we met, you were date #2! But it was you who stole my heart." or something cheesy like that...and everyone would LOL and toast to him beating out the competition a la ABC's "The Bachelorette" style.

Alas, I wanted excitement, but I got white bread.

Bachelor #1: Mr. NICE.
If the only word someone can use to describe you is "NICE," - it means that you aren't interesting. Or funny. Or handsome. Or unique in any way. So the fact that all I can think of to describe him is "NICE" should tell you the whole story. I may still give him a second chance to see if maybe he is just shy...maybe.

Bachelor #2: Mr. CREEPSTER
Like a hipster wannabe, but creepier. It was like his sideburns ate the hair on the top of his head..."hipster mutton chops" like nobody's business, but with a slight hint of "sexual predator." He had already struck out...with or without those sideburns.
Strike 1: He told me that he saw me on Fountain square one night and again walking on Main Street while he was riding the bus. DON'T TELL ME THAT! I don't care if its true - I don't want to hear that you have been watching me from afar and from public transport before we ever met.
Strike 2: He rides a trick bike...he can't afford a car so he rides the bike that my 13 year old boyfriend rode around.
Strike 3: He texted me yesterday the following sentence "Hey babe, how's your bod?" When I refused to reply to that type of message, he said "Clearly you didn't get the Ferris Bueller reference." NO - no I didn't because that just sounded creepy. What I want to reply back to him is, "Actually, the line is 'Hey Ferris, how's your bod? I heard you're dying.' BUT - I am not sick. I am not Ferris Bueller. And I am not your 'babe.' Don't try to defend your way-too-familiar/sexual text message by hiding behind John Hughes. We're done here." Instead, I just froze him out with radio silence.

During the dates, I didn't have a BAD time, per se....but at no point in the evening did I want either of them to touch me, let alone kiss me. So, back to the drawing board.

I just plan to keep on keepin' on. Hopefully, as Bad Decision August rages on and The "Year of Yes" continues - I will meet someone that I actually WANT to touch me and completely forget about what's his name!

Another One Bites the Dust

2011-08-16T12:18:00.002-04:00

As I have mentioned before, I am the "Good Luck Chuck" of females. My streak continues...Mr. Biz is getting married.

Best wishes.

ADDENDUM: I know some were worried that I was sad about this.. It took me a while to figure out how to describe what I feel...and I finally have it. I feel NOTHING.

The complete absence of sadness...or happiness.

It is almost like when I found out that Amber Tamblyn and David Cross were engaged....I expected to feel something. I mean, I LOVE me some Tobias Funke from Arrested Development, but the guy in those pictures just wasn't the "nevernude" I fell in love with...

Therefore, I feel NOTHING, and that makes me feel strong and proud! GO ME!

I Had That Dream Again...

2011-08-15T20:00:00.000-04:00

I have been having this recurring dream for YEARS now...and it has grown so complex that I have started "Inception"-ing myself. At one point last night, I said, "I had a dream where something like this happened. Weird."

In this dream, I realize the week before final exams that I *forgot* to drop my Accounting class even though I stopped attending months before. Therefore, I have missed all the lessons, all the quizzes, all the homework, and now I am failing. It's too late to drop the class so I have to frantically study, in hopes of getting a high enough score on the final to simply NOT get an F. I usually run around looking for classmates to share notes. Then I plead with my counselor that I thought I dropped the class; I really meant to, at least. Finally, I beg my teacher for some forgiveness - perhaps if he would weight my entire grade on this final, I may be able to get a C.

Last night's dream was a bit more advanced. I was working full time at my old company and trying to get a Master's degree. I got so wrapped up in work that I forgot to attend any of my classes and eventually forgot that I was even in a Masters program. I only realized that I was going to fail when my adviser called me about my thesis...which was due in 24 hours! Unfortunately, the only place I had to study was my dad's OLD office. (the one he sold to a riverboat casino in 1996...strange) So while sitting among the stacks of antiques, starting at the massive swordfish mounted on the wall, I realized that I had writer's block. And rather than trying to focus, I simply decided to pick up a feather duster and start cleaning.

As a lifelong overachiever - any dreams that involve failure are basically my worst nightmares. These dreams are usually linked to stressful times in my life or just a spillover from anxiety I have int he daytime.

After reflecting today, I realize why my dream advanced beyond an Accounting to a Masters in (not sure, actually) - is because I fear that I am failing YOU. I am finding it increasingly difficult to sit down and just write. I have lots of things to say. Lots of fun stories and silly things I have done... but it is like I woke up today and realized, "Wait. I have a blog? And it's overdue? SHIT. Didn't I have a dream about that?"

SO - I apologize and THANK YOU for sticking with me. Fun stories coming this week are Tales from a weekend with Mademoiselle GingerMess and Madame MarriedMess, my new obsession with Vintage Shopping, a new favorite Lifetime Movie starring Tia & Tamara Mowry, and the continuation of Bad Decision August (involving 2 dates, 1 night).

BONUS MATERIAL: I couldn't have a post about skipping school and not feature the boy who makes me want to go back to high school just so I can skip class with him. Jordan Catalano!

Lollapalooza!!!

2011-08-09T01:00:00.002-04:00

This past weekend was one of epic proportions...kind of like a cross between Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, Can't Hardly Wait, and Dazed & Confused! (And those only took place in one day - I had 3 days!)

THE CAST: Some of my favorite people on the entire planet from all over the country, converging in one hotel room located directly across the street from Grant Park. (i.e. Music Central)

THE SCENE: Chicago in the Summer, with almost perfect weather. Lollapalooza Music Festival. Hoards of people walking around in jorts, body paint, Ray Ban sunglasses, American Apparel tops or Ironic T-shirts, and the occasional nearly naked girl wearing more body glitter than pants.

THE TUNES:

TAB the Band
Young the Giant - (they killed it! So good!)
Naked and famous
Delta Spirit
Foster the People
Tow Door Cinema Club
A Perfect Circle
Tinie Tempeh
Muse - (Phenomenal! Even though I was introduced to them first through the Twilight soundtrack - they rocked so hard!)
Girl Talk - (words can't describe how much I loved this show)
Phantogram
Fitz & The Tantrums
SuperMash Bros.
Local Natives
Glitch Mob - (Again- for the second time this week, they blew my mind. It would have been so much better if it was a night, but still great.)
Eminem - (Marshall Mathers is my new future husband...he is so fucking talented!)
The Joy Formidable - (THE most adorable, kick ass lead singer! She is like a younger, classier, prettier, more talented Courtney Love.)
Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. - (I highly recommend their cover of "I Will Always Love You.")
The Cool Kids
Flogging Molly
Cage the Elephant
Damian Jr. Gong Marley and Nas
Arctic Monkeys
Explosions in the Sky - (at sunset, truly transcendental! plus every song reminded me of Friday Night Lights and Tim Riggins!)
Deadmau5 - (un-freaking believable. His stage continuously built through his set and his fans must have spent DAYS making replica mouse heads to wear! I truly felt like one of the cool kids.)
Foo Fighters

THE HIGHLIGHT REEL:
Tinie Tempeh declared, "Lollapalooza is WAAAY better than Coachella."

Muse opened so strong; it was truly incredible. It was also incredible watching corporate dweebs buying pot from the roaming drug dealer. Not unlike the episode of "It's Always Sunny" when Dennis and Dee decide to get hooked on crack so they can get welfare... Watching the transaction was funny - but watching the old guy trying to roll a joint in the middle of 50,000 screaming hipster kids was even better. Whatever he did - it ended up looking like a snake that just swallowed a rat.

After laughing at that dude, we hightailed it over to Girl Talk to take part in the usual sound orgy that Gregg Gillis produces. (For some reason, he loves shouting to the audience, "COME WITH ME, CHICAGO! COME WITH ME!") Listening to him close with International Player's Anthem mashed with November Rain while balloons and confetti rained down on the screaming fans - it was magic. So magical that I didn't even care that the kids in that dance crowd got to second base with me more than anyone I have dated in the past year.

I fell in LOVE with Eminem on Saturday night. I was a bit torn - I wanted to see Beats Antique, Lykke Li, Glitch Mob, Ratatat, My Morning Jacket, Pretty Lights, AND Eminem. (all in a 3 hour period of time) In the end, we decided to simplify our plans and just post up for Eminem after Glitch Mob. It was a good call, because he killed it! At one point, he started saying, "Chicago, you are so crazy! If I am going to relapse, here is the best place. Should I relapse??" The crowd started cheering...to which BlondeMess and I started shouting, "NO. Don't relapse! Why are people cheering?" Em promptly grabbed a bottle of "vodka" and started chugging...3 seconds later water projectile shot through his stomach area like a sprinkler. To which I said, "Phew! I knew he was just playing with us." (I didn't...exactly) He said, "Ah. I guess I'm just not built for that shit anymore." So tricky, Marshall! He proceeded to cover more than a decade of hits - and barely broke a sweat! His encore was Lose Yourself - which the entire crowd did. He didn't get Dre to make a guest appearance, but I forgive him. :)

The Joy Formidable is a new favorite. After falling for Eminem, I developed a girl crush on the lead singer of Joy, Ritzy Bryan. (isn't her name even adorable?!) She is a pint sized ball of fire. If you have never seen them live, you must. And be prepared for them to start throwing cats (not real cats) into the audience while they fucking tear up the stage. Ritzy actually took her electric guitar and started banging it against a gong. It was incredible.

The culmination of the event was my Sunday VIP Access...free food, free booze, air conditioned bathrooms = GLORIOUS! I enjoyed so much more music not having to run to the hotel every afternoon for a sun break + clean potty. Although I purposely stayed out of the rain during Flogging Molly and Cage The Elephant - I grabbed Bad Decision August by the horns and ran full force into the torrential downpour and mud pit of Deadmau5. I have always wanted to attend a rave, and it hit me that I will never have a better opportunity than the Woodstock-esque mud orgy of sound and lights. So I ran into the fray with the other young fools and danced barefoot in the mud like no one was watching me...while consuming 7 oz of Patron. It was a glorious bad decision. Although I was soaked to the bone - I felt young.alive.awesome. I then quickly ran over to the other main stage just in time to hear Foo Fighters belt out Best of You. At the end, I promptly returned to my hotel and died for 12 hours.

Getting Drunk BEFORE Boarding A Flight - Bad Decision? You Betcha!

2011-08-05T09:45:00.001-04:00

As I started to sip on my second glass of wine at delta sky club, (please note that the first one was poured to the point of overflowing...I had to bend down and sip off the top to be able to walk with it...it was awesome) my stream of consciousness started to get interesting...

"My Stream Of Consciousness: After 1.5 Glasses of Delta Sky Club Chardonnay"

I love cheese. OOOH! I should make that my Facebook status!

Oh shit! Am I drunk? Maybe. But only 1.5 glasses? Well I didn't eat much today. Thank god for cheese!
Maybe I should put that in my status?

(Noticing Senator Rockefeller being interviewed on CNN) Rockefellers. Didn't they die off in the 1900's. Like the Kennedys? If not....I need to marry a Rockefeller. Not for the money, but doesn't Courtney Rockefeller have a nice ring to it??

But I don't want people to think I am a gold digger. Maybe I should just legally change my name? Especially since I don't necessarily believe in taking my husband's last name when I get married.

OOH! Maybe I should post THAT to facebook... NO! You are drunk.....

Did you just talk to yourself?

YEP.

Well done, Delta Sky Club. Well done!

Now make sure that gets on the blog before you black out. And by black out I mean order a third glass.

Happy Bad Decision August!!!

2011-08-04T18:25:00.001-04:00

I have good news and bad news....

The Good News is that I kicked off Bad Decision August at an AMAZING Concert this week. The Bad News is that I didn't accidentally make out with a stranger while there. (like last year)

This week, I basically become a ticket scalper. Between trying to score tickets for friends to attend Lollapalooza and selling (at a mark up!) extra tickets for The Glitch Mob and Phantogram concert - I think I have found my new calling. I didn't make a killing - but I did get enough for a round of drinks for Mademoiselle BlondeMess and I. And to be honest, I NEEDED to make some money on those tickets. Why? Because I figured that if I was going to be surrounded by 16 year old girls wearing clothing with less coverage than my Victoria's Secret Bikini, then I was going to need a drink...and make it a double.

The concert was PHENOMENAL...easily the best show I have seen all year. If you are unfamiliar with Glitch Mob, then I highly recommend you watch this video...then picture me in the front row eye fucking the one on the far left. I don't know if he was feeling me, too...but I will try to find out this weekend at Lollapalooza!

I am currently chugging my wine in the Delta Sky Club, preparing my liver for the weekend ahead! More updates to come...enjoy - and go forth, make some bad decisions!

"You'll regret the things you didn't do far more than the ones you did." - HauteMess (I may have plagiarized that...)

Fun Bar Game: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

2011-07-31T23:59:00.000-04:00

Step 1: Create a Creepy Love Letter with Fellow Bar Patrons
Using the old campfire ghost story building game, create a creepy love letter. All you need is a blank piece of paper, a pen, and a crew of raunchy strangers. All you have to do is start the letter with a warm, loving sentence (or something like "Dear you, if you are reading this then you already know...") and pass the paper and pen to the person to your left. My personal creation only included 3 references to herpes (I swear my foulmouthed partners in crime did it...not me). I have been back to visit that bar twice this month, and both times my letter was still there, ready to delight any curious bar-goers who happen upon it.

Step 2: Hide Letter In Bar Furniture
Find a spot in the bar where your letter will be safe from the late night "cleaning crew" (i.e. super tired barbacks), but where a nosy drunk bitch may rummage around and find it. I personally hid mine in the antique library card catalog on the secret 2nd floor of my favorite bar.

Step 3: Visit Letter Often - Mark the dates on the letter in hopes others will catch on
Like modern day chain mail, it is just fun to see if the remnants of your drunken bar joke are still alive and well, living in the old furniture at a bar. Marking the date on the letter allows it to also serve as a time capsule - someday, you may open the drawer and find strange handwriting. THAT is when you know that you have been discovered by a kindred spirit!

It really is the gift that keeps on giving! I mean, I laugh every time I see it!

There Are Two (maybe Three) Kinds of Girls in This World

2011-07-29T08:38:00.001-04:00

They say there are two kinds of girls in this world:
    1. Ones you date.
    2. Ones you marry.

I would like to offer the argument that there is a third type:
    3. Ones you make out with while drunk.

The most logical progression is to start as a the kind of girl someone makes out with, mostly because high school kids are slutty these days (according to ABC Family). After a few slutty public makeout years, most girls likely turn into the kind of girl who dates. They traipse through college on the arms of many frat guys and jocks, sowing wild oats and what have you. Eventually, a female is expected to mature into the graceful, classy type of woman that a man may want to marry. He even thinks, "My parents will love her!" and other boring shit.

This is the logical progression... However- I seem to be on the exact opposite path.

Perhaps I was just too much of a catch at an early age! Maybe I got bored with all the expectations of marriage without a formidable partner to inspire me. My cheating college boyfriend was gung ho about marrying young...that sort of turned me off, if you can imagine.

So I focused on dating- and not getting too serious. Actually, "dating" is an overstatement. If I remember correctly, I used to tell boys, "Look, I'm not trying to be anyone's girlfriend, and I don't go on dates. If you would like to meet me out, I will tell you where to find me. The most you can hope for is a drunken makeout at the bar before I leave to go home... Alone." It was actually very endearing - they used to eat that shit up and beg for more. I suppose there is nothing like a challenge to keep the boys interested.

That was so successful that I now only find guys who never want a commitment. I found guys that didn't even want to be my boyfriend. I have somehow gotten stuck in the rudimentary "drunken makeout" mode. Somehow, playing hard to get and being challenging at 28 is very different than at 24. Then, it was cute. Now, I am a bitch. Then, I didn't want my heart broken again. Now, I kind of want to feel those butterflies again. Then, they came crawling. Now, they stop calling.

Maybe this is just karma. If it is, all I have to say is, "To all those boys who wanted to date the damaged 24year old HauteMess- If this is your karmic revenge, then I'm sorry I'm not sorry. Fuck you."

Okay, Universe, your move. I've got some men to not date.

Do you ever...

2011-07-28T08:10:00.000-04:00

Do you ever turn on mindless TV or movies as background noise to keep you company while you try to blog?? BUT - 2.5hours later you realize that you are completely enthralled with Ramona and Beezuz and only typed three sentences since the movie started!

And then (even worse) you find yourself near tears at the so-called "touching part," but you can't even blame your period?

Yeah. Me either.

#singlewhitegirlproblems

Oh No, I Swore I Would Never Do This...

2011-07-27T06:28:00.000-04:00

But I sort of love Justin Bieber in this video...as he channels a young Justin Timberlake, it was like I stepped in a time machine...a time machine headed straight for 2002.

I was taken back to the time in my life when that song said the words I wanted to shout in my college boyfriend's face. J Tim was a victim of cheating, just like me. I remember thinking, "Well if this can happen to Justin Timberlake, I don't feel so bad about myself! I would never do that to him..."

Oh, Biebs...you made this cougar feel young & angsty again. Thank you...now call me when you turn 18!

A HauteMess Weekend How To Guide

2011-07-25T06:27:00.000-04:00

Ever have one of those weekends? You know the ones. You have a Friday night of epic proportions - and you just know it couldn't possible get better....and then BOOM! Saturday happens and totally tops Friday. Even though that is likely the apex of the weekend, it winds down with a lovely hangover Sunday.

Well, not to toot my own horn, but....TOOT! I have had three of those weekends in a row. In summary, "Sorry For Partying July" is too fucking awesome to keep to myself. Simply follow these instructions, and you, too, can have the time of your life. (for the bargain price of just a little liver function)

Step 1: Champagne. Lots of it.
There just aren't enough champagne occasions, in my opinion, so I create my own constantly. For those of you who are skeptical that champagne can fit into your everyday life - let me illustrate with all the occasions I managed to indulge this past weekend:

Business Meeting Friday at 4pm. What's better than toasting to your friend/colleague at a bar with a glass of bubbly while you ponder the business questions you face. It really lightens to mood. Trust.
Two Words: Cava Friday. (note: not all Cava Fridays include C@ck Cakes) This BYO-Bubbly happy hour with the girls is the only way to toast well wishes for a long and happy weekend!
Mimosa Brunch. What's a classy gal to drink before noon on a Saturday? A little split of Cava with a dash of OJ, of course! It pairs nicely with Hash Brown Casserole.
Dress Up Your Pimm's Cup. For those of you who don't know, Pimm's is to Summer in England what a Mint Julep is to the Kentucky Derby. Pimm's is a gin based liqueur typically mixed with sparkling lemonade, fresh fruit, and muddled mint. Pimm's is best enjoyed in the sunshine, a day drink if you will. By simply adding a splash of champagne, you can create a ROYAL Pimm's Cup. I don't know if Pippa recommends it - but my reco should hold WAY more clout!

Host a Champagne BBQ. Well, really it was BYOB...but Senorita CalienteMess and I chose to toast our Hebrew National Hot Dogs with a little Spanish National Cava. (Note: I hope the French don't hold that against me...I used Grey Poupon on the dog...)
The French 75. A gin and champagne cocktail (according to the menu) or a cognac and champagne cocktail (if you butter up the bartender and order it "vintage style"). It is insanely tasty, and the champagne glass is wildly fun to wave around in bars at 2am...but this little "innocent" drink can be responsible for transforming me from a Happy-Go-Lucky HauteMess to a Me-So-Sleepy HauteMess. I suppose it brought everything full circle - if my first drink of the day was champagne, my last drink was meant to be, as well. (Sorry for partying)

Step 2: HARRY POTTER.
You know how much I love Harry Potter. Although Madame MarriedMess and I did NOT sneak champagne into this movie (as we did for Bridesmaids...which would have made a lovely addition to the list above...oops!), we did indulge in Sour Patch Kids, Curly Fries, and SnoCaps for a sweet sugar and carb high to carry us through the 2.5 hour finale of my decade long obsession. The movie was PHENOMENAL...I laughed, I cried embarrassingly (similar to the time I watched Marley & Me on an airplane and the woman behind me tapped me on the shoulder to hand me some tissue to make me stop using my sleeves), and I vowed that I MUST watch it again. It completes me.

Step 3: Jenga, Jenga, JENGA!
If you ever find yourself at Neon's (a bar in Cincinnati) - you MUST go outside and play Giant Jenga. But note: if you are going to play Jenga in the inferno we now call Summers in Cincinnati - you should also play well. The 95 degree, sticky, humid night only fueled our intensity. The rules were simple. 6 man Jenga, every man for himself. To ~~up the ante~~ create the most intense game of Jenga every played, we also determined that loser had to buy the next round.
Note: I have never seen a group of people so unwilling to spend $30 in my life.

We stretched the game out 6 rounds longer than we imagined...and twice as long as our counterparts on the other Jenga tower. My turn sounded exactly like this each time:
"Oh my gawd, I am going to fucking barf from nervousness."
"I can't do this. This is ridiculous."
"How is this things still standing?"
"Oh...wait....SHHHH. don't anyone move!"
"I said SHHH.....Awww yeeeah."
"Booyah! You like that?"
(hold breath for 5 seconds and run away) "Hurry - your turn!"
"NOW, please gawd don't let there be 5 other loose blocks or I will fucking barf for real next time."

Step 4: A Carby Sunday Brunch and TV Marathon
You can spend your Sunday allowing The Fear* settle in while you lay in bed wondering where your life went wrong...OR you can say "The best offense is a good defense" and eat a boatload of biscuits and gravy and watch 2 entire seasons of Arrested Development, staving off The Fear just another day.

*HauteMess Vocab Lesson: The Fear.
The Fear is the phenomenon that follows a weekend of binge drinking, when one is extremely tired and hungover. The fear causes feelings of panic, angst, paranoia, restlessness, irritability, and intense sweating. My neighbor boys in college told me that spooning on the couch was the only thing to cure The Fear on Sundays. They never allowed girls over on Sundays....

The most critical components to fighting The Fear are a Non Judgmental Brunch Location and Good/Lazy TV Company.

My favorite spot is a local Country Diner where no matter what you do, you are guaranteed to be the best looking person there. Drink an ocean of vodka, cry makeup all down your face, neck & chest while sleeping on a newspaper? Wear plaid pajama pants with a polka dot nightdown on top? YES - STILL the hottest. If you are going to eat biscuits, gravy, and eggs - why not do it where you don't have to worry about running into clients or hot single millionaires.
My favorite couchmates for TV marathons are Bitchy Little Rat Dog, Senorita CalienteMess, and (recent addition) The Muchacho. Key qualifications include: likes being petted/scratched, laughs OUT LOUD at funny TV, and slightly less lazy than me (i.e. willing to change the DVD when we run out of episodes)

Step 5: Sooki Stackhouse and Eric Northman finally get it on!
Naked Alexander Skarsgaard. 'Nuff said.

I Believe in the Audrey in Us All! (especially me) (well, mostly me)

2011-07-22T13:35:00.002-04:00

"I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping in leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

- Audrey Hepburn

Audrey Hepburn has always fascinated me. She is a woman who turned the role of an immature, self-centered call girl into a timeless icon of style and sophistication. She truly embodies je ne sais quois. To me, though, it isn't her role in Breakfast at Tiffany's or her role as muse to Givenchy that makes me love her. It is the exact sentiment in her quote above that I am drawn to. Something about it makes me want to shout,

"ME TOO!! You get me. You really get me!"

I LOVE making out...making out is the best! And wearing sequins, even to inappropriate venues, makes me warm inside. Nothing is less attractive than a miserable person - the ones who constantly complain about how bad their life is or how bored they are. Happiness IS beautiful. She is why I am planning to be Miss Holly Golightly for Halloween this year at MoogFest.

Yet, there is so much more that I believe in - so much more that I prescribe to. So, in my continued effort to be a woman who can party all night and drink champagne before breakfast yet still epitomize grace and beauty, much like Audrey Hepburn's Holly Golightly, I present you with my "I believe" quote:

"I believe in champagne for no reason. I believe my ruby slippers are red patent leather stilettos. I believe funny costumes are far more interesting than slutty ones. I believe red lipstick and a take-no-prisoners attitude WILL be how I meet Mr. Right. I believe you never truly know who you are until your heart has been broken. I believe the best accessory is a smile, and the most important quality in a mate is that he makes you smile everyday. I believe every party should have a memorable theme and a memorable toast. I believe that you regret things you didn't do far more than the ones you did. I believe that the best goal in life is to make others' lives better, richer, and more memorable simply because you were there."
- Mademoiselle HauteMess

#Singlewhitegirlproblems to the MAX!

2011-07-21T18:17:00.002-04:00

I don't know if it is the summer heat or just being busy - but DAMN! My girls and I have been awesomely whiny lately.

I present you with a NEW! Collection of #singlewhitegirlproblems from my actual text message and email logs! As always, feel free to add your own #overprivilegedperson problems in the comments section, whoever you are! Married, skinny, blonde, canadian, redneck, acne prone - anyone can be over privileged, and admitting it is 1/10 of the battle!

Gah. I can't decide between watching Parks and Recreation on NBC.com or South Park on my Netflix queue. So hard. #singlewhitegirlproblems

My bedazzler is broken. Ugh. #singlewhitegirlproblems

Just when I think I settled the debate and side with Biggie, I fall for Tupac all over again. Oh gangsta rap, I just can't quit you. #singlewhitegirlproblems

I said this at work today while making my coffee...out loud...in front of a co-worker...and I knew he was there. "Dear chemicals, You make my coffee delicious. Thanks for being fat free! Love - Me!" I am so weird. #singlewhitegirlproblems

OMG - we only have 6 hours to watch TV. "Hey Dude" or "Secret World of Alex Mack"? I can't decide. #singlewhitegirlproblems

So my date from okcupid is 5 minutes late. At least if I get stood up I am less likely to be a crime victim. #singlewhitegirlproblems

When I volunteered for this, no one told me it was an outdoor event! The heat index is 110F, so I will have swass to the max. I may even need to cancel my mani/pedi I had scheduled for afterwards. #singlewhitegirlproblems

Ahem. Its too hot to walk to Walgreens so I just washed my dishes with $26 Kenra shampoo. #singlewhitegirlproblems

Also - if you didn't see the #singlewhitegirlproblems rap, you should --> Right here.

Sorry for Being Too Busy/Drunk to Blog...Until Now

2011-07-19T19:46:00.001-04:00

First, I want to apologize to you all for being one big ball of SUCK in the "online blog posting" department. I promise you that it is only because I have been trying not to suck at every other aspect of life. Between busy season at work and my laziness in the housework department - I worked nonstop from 7am to Midnight all last week...mostly dusting and picking up dog fur. I then spent the weekend with my Brother and SisterMess dirtying up my perfectly cleaned home and draining the city of its booze reserves

In summary, in the past 7 Days I have been a stellar employee, a loving sister, a suzy home-maker, a BBQ hostess with the mostest, a Jort-Stylist extraordinaire, and an absentee Blogger. For that, I apologize. Sorry for partying.

A FEW QUICK UPDATES:

Jortstock IV: Thigh's The Limit: It was an amazing party hosted by my former MFFBF (mother fucking fake boyfriend) - I attended this special event in a pair of cut off men's jeans, suspenders, and a tuxedo tee shirt. For flair, I attached Saved By the Bell pins to my suspenders, clipped in my fiberoptic extensions, and donned my glowstick glasses.

Much like Native Americans, we tried not to waste any of the denim carcass. I am still picking up strips and shreds of denim from the 4 hour long BBQ pre-party/Jort-styling event I held before the main event.

Madame MarriedMess fashioned denim bowties, denim hair extensions, denim anklets and bracelets, and denim headbands from the discarded jort legs. Senorita CalienteMess rocked a full length, bedazzled denim coat with Indian print patterns done in glitter puff paint. Mademoiselle BlondeMess got jiggy with a prison jumpsuit, turning it into one hot ass onesie! (it came complete with Zig Zags in the pocket...unfortunately those weren't discovered until sometime during the spin cycle oft the washer) We looked incredible.

If I ever find my camera, I promise to share some pictures.

NEW OBSESSION: While playing Flip Cup at Jortstock, a new invention was revealed.... It's a flamingo. It's a beer bong. It's the FLA-BONG-O!!!

Note: I found this on google...I don't know them..

Mark my words, this WILL be at my next party! Fortunately for me, SisterMess won't be at that next party. I can't be certain if the Flabongo is to blame, but I had to chose to throw away my bedroom trashcan rather than cleaning her "Sorry For Partying" remnants out of it.

NEW OBSESSION #2: Parks & Recreation. I added it to my Netflix Queue after The Muchacho introduced me to it ... and I watched all 30 episodes in like 9 days. Amy Poeler and Aziz Ansari make me laugh so hard that I fear I may lose my bladder control.

OK CUPID: As expected...the creeps on OK Cupid are still actively seeking out women to molest with the written word. I now present you with my favorite excerpts from these poets.

"Embarrassing nicknames: Cold sore (I don't actually have cold cores, its a reference to what a potential suitor of mine said to me)... (ed. note: SURE you don't)

"My good friend actually had a limp on experience recently (which we found out about from the girl, not the friend) which was quite hilarious. Apparently, when he could ram his slug into her goods, he proclaimed 'im too big' with his softie slinking around. Sigh." (ed. note: I just barfed in my mouth.)

Enjoy your week! I promise to be back with more updates, possibly even a rant, and a whole list of #singlewhitegirl problems ranging from broken bedazzlers to the famous Tupac vs. Biggie debate.

"Sorry for Partying" Highlights

2011-07-12T21:19:00.000-04:00

As July rages on - The Sorry For Partying Gods have been good to me! Unfortunately, I don't have time to go into a ton of detail because I am scurrying to get my house clean, presentable, and envy-inducing for my Brother and SisterMess's arrival in 2 days. I waited until now to actually put my house completely back together after the flood.

Apparently my apathy extends beyond the online dating world and into unpacking boxes/moving furniture. Times like this are when I miss having a a roommate who weighs more than 10lbs, doesn't leave a trail of white fur as she walks across my JUST cleaned floors, and has opposable thumbs. Unfortunately, since Senorita CalienteMess moved out, Bitchy Little Rat Dog has been completely useless around the house. So I need to blog...and then clean. Sigh. #Singlewhitegirlproblems to the max.

I digress.

The 2 Week Highlight Reel:

I finished a box of wine in 2 sittings....one of which was on a boat. (while singing "I'm On A Boat," of course) SORRY FOR PARTYING
At Senorita CalienteMess's birthday party, I ate approximately 18 oz of giant jello shots. They came in cups so large that I was a walking "that's what she said" punchline. "Its too much, I can't take it all at once." "Ugh, it's so hard to swallow." SORRY FOR PARTYING
While at dinner with a friend, it accidentally turned into a "date" after drinking half bottle of wine and spotting the "Instant Erotica" writer/phone sex operator. After dropping a five on the lamest porn story ever, we forced strangers to read the erotica aloud as we enjoyed Pimms, Patron, Pinot Noir, and Pizza. SORRY FOR EROTICALLY PARTYING
I drunkenly ordered pizza at midnight without counting my cash first. Paid with a ten, 3 ones, 2 Sacajawea golden dollars, and 8 quarters. SORRY FOR PARTYING
BlondeMess and I walked down the streets of downtown, splitting a pint of cherry vodka out of a Starbucks Cups to avoid an "open container" violations. SORRY FOR PARTYING
I booked a flight to Paris but then overdrafted my bank account while buying liquor for a party. SORRY FOR PARTYING
"Browned out" at a party and forgot that I promised to teach the Hot Pothead (of last year's Single Lady Bender face raping fame) how to make brownies. SORRY FOR PARTYING

However, je ne regrette rien! The day after overdrafting and making false promises...a hot guy showed up at my house with brownies, beer, and sushi...and he refused accept any cash. It was like the universe said, "Ask and ye shall receive!" THANK YOU SORRY FOR PARTYING GODS!

OK Cupid AND Sorry For Partying

2011-07-08T11:59:00.000-04:00

After quitting OK Cupid last year for making me feel like a horribly shallow person, introducing me to a gay guy who bit me, and generally being filled with creeps.....I sort of joined again.

I know, I know....I should have learned my lesson last summer, but I was thinking about how it has been WAAAAY too long since I have been on a date, and I have a closet full of really cute date clothes just waiting to be taken out, AND a girl has needs!

SO - rather than using my usual excuse ("I am just so busy - I love spending time with my friends and enjoy being independent...so I just am not too worried about meeting guys.") as the reason for why I am not meeting guys, I am using it as a reason to look at online dating again. If I truly am too busy to join new activities and clubs where I may meet guys who are passionate about the same things as I am. And if I am too into being with friends to ditch them when a cute boy looks my way at a bar. And if I love my life too much to alter it in any way in order to meet more single men. THEN online dating seems perfect.

From the comfort of my own couch/airport Delta Sky Club/hotel room/iPhone app - I can cruise dudes online as much as I please. And when I am too busy? I just don't log in. It is perfect. This year, I have decided that I don't want to pursue anyone. I shall let them send me messages and if I think there is a possible connection, I will reply back. However, this time, I will not send thoughtful rejection letters to the 21 years old boys who live 3 hours away booty calling me...I will not allow those assholes to call me a bitch ever again. If anyone seems creepy? BLOCKED. Also - if a guy seems "off" or "crazy," I will trust my gut and NOT meet him out for a drink and let him bite my shoulder while I try to talk to the bartender.

It will be a whole new, better experience this year! (keep telling myself that)

On an unrelated note, I have also declared this "Sorry for Partying July." It is meant to be the step-sister of Bad Decision August. I had a wonderful time last year doing the things I knew I shouldn't...on purpose. In case some of you are wondering, "what exactly does 'Sorry For Partying' mean?" I will provide a common definition from UrbanDictionary.com:

"1.	sorry for partying
	the act of apologizing for having an awesome time. in no situation does this saying not apply. you kill your neighbors dog? sorry for partying. you steal your friends credit card at the bar and run up a huge tab? sorry for partying. you bang your friends mom with an empty beer bottle? sorry for partying. piss your pants in the bar? sorry for partying. can't get a boner because your to drunk? sorry for partying."

Of course, none of those definitions actually apply to me. BUT after July 4th weekend kicked it off with a bang, and the upcoming Senorita CalienteMess's birthday weekend, the Brother & SisterMess visit weekend, and my high school reunion...possible "Sorry for Partying July" statements may be:

Went boating all day, drinking directly from a BOX of wine, then passed out from 8pm until 5am the next day? SORRY FOR PARTYING!
Woke up after that boat trip and subjected yourself to 8 hours of Katie Holmes's horrific Boston accent in the tooth-pullingly slow mini-series "The Kennedys"? SORRY FOR PARTYING!
Go out wearing nothing but a full denim body suit (after Jortstock IV: Thighs the Limit) and fiber-optic glowing hair extensions? SORRY FOR PARTYING!
Convinced you to hook up with a former teacher at your high school reunion? SORRY FOR PARTYING!
Got wasted, set up an extreme Slip N Slide, causing you to break your face? SORRY FOR PARTYING!
Black out while eating an entire large pizza? SORRY FOR PARTYING!
Accidentally got your dog drunk? SORRY FOR PARTYING!
Didn't change out of my bikini body t-shirt all weekend? SORRY FOR PARTYING!

I may alcohol poison myself or someone I love very much this month, but much like Jessie Spano, I am so excited; I'm so scared.

Who's in on "Sorry For Partying July" with me?

It's Wedding Season...2011

2011-07-01T11:56:00.001-04:00

I am a little late this year kicking off Wedding Season...mostly because I was invited to less weddings this year. Perhaps this is a direct result of my wedding season kickoff last summer. To make up for this late season opener, I am attending TWO weddings today. That's right...TWO.

The first wedding was more of an accident. While staying with The Muchacho, he declared that the only good thing about being awake so early on a Friday morning is Saved By The Bell. And boy was he right! Saved By The Bell is never NOT the best thing to watch hungover. As of 8:13AM, (after seeing .5 secs of the scene where Zack begs his dad for approval...I knew immediately that this was the best day ever) we were cordially invited to the wedding of Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski...

Best way to start my day...EVER.

For the second wedding today, Captain Inappropriate needed reinforcements as the Best Man, and (unlike the past 4 weddings I have been to) even though he is single, he was given "plus one."
(P.S. this new trend of not allowing people to bring dates REALLY irks me. Yes, I realize how much it costs per person because you told me already...but please respect that I may want to hook up with someone who ISN'T your weird cousin or alcoholic groomsman. Rant over. Thank you.)

Captain Inappropriate invited me to this wedding, carelessly forgetting that I may have sort of made out with the groom...5 years ago. I don't really believe this will be awkward; I barely remember it and am pretty certain that he doesn't either. However, I really hope the bride doesn't know about it. Brides don't usually like to think of that stuff on their wedding day. (just a hypothesis) But, I figure that as long as I don't pull a "The Graduate" wedding scene and hop the next Greyhound bus with him, I should be able to go under the radar.

All this got me thinking...how many people go to the weddings of a former hook up. Former "friends with benefits"? Old accidental drunken makeout? Middle school boyfriend that has since become your best guy friend? I mean...it happens, right? It is just one of the many Wedding Season staples, like ugly bridesmaid dresses, embarrassing speeches, and awkward references to the "wedding night" sex.

Although these incidents are not universally true for every wedding, I imagine that they happen often enough to make a fun Wedding Season game! Introducing, WEDDING BINGO! Below is a bingo board for you to use this summer...crossing off each incident as you experience it.

B I N G O
You made out with the bride/groom in the past	One of the bridesmaids puked	Awkward reference to “Wedding Night” sex
The best man speech BOMBED	Someone starts taking bets on "how long it will last"	The officiator mispronounced the bride/ groom’s name
Flower girl/ring bearer went berserk	Groom/groomsman ripped his pants	You hooked up with a member of the wedding party

I will surely be able to cross off at least 2-3 of these tonight! Stay posted. In the mean time, enjoy wedding season and this light-hearted game to make it even more magical.

And if you get a BINGO - email me! I want to hear all about it. ;)

Two Truths and a Lie - WEDDING PICTURES!

2011-06-29T08:59:00.000-04:00

After posting the answers to Two Truths and a Lie, a few of you requested to see my engagement and wedding photos! So here you go...20 year old HauteMess in all my glory. Fresh faced, perpetually drunk, and wearing another girl's ring and another girl's sweater.

Engagement on the Canal in Milan, Italy.

Our Wedding. At the Oriel College Pub. Officiated by an internet minister.

2011-06-28T07:55:00.001-04:00

Dear Wal-Mart,

I think we should see other people. I wish I knew how to quit you for good, but every time I think of you, I convince myself that you can't really be as bad as I remember. You are just so convenient - staring at me every time I head to the soccer gym. I tell myself, "Only one trip." The I wouldn't have to go to Target OR Kroger...it will be convenient and cheap, right?

I mean, I LOVE Target...but in times of economic hardship, a girl must avoid places where everything shiny, sparkly, and pretty is shelved in the first 50feet of the store. I know I don't need any more Bunny ears, glow bracelets, sequin uncle sam hats, etc - yet, when I see them with a $1 pricetag on them, they just JUMP in my cart. And no - I don't need more makeup or swimsuits or scarves or hats or earrings...but they call to me when I walk past them, begging for a new home. Target is always responsible for an extra $5-50 dollars of impulse buys, depending on "how cute" I deem them. So to save money and avoid purchasing any more Red, White, and Blue sparklers...I decided to go to Wal Mart.

I pulled into the WM parking lot so hopeful, thinking, "Sweet parking spot right near the door!! Score! So much better than fighting with every Yuppie and Hyde Park mommy in town at the Kroger! Wonder why no one's here on a Monday at 6:15PM?" I walked in, grabbed my cart, went straight to my business in the grocery section (with no sparkly distractions) and...

BAM! IT HAPPENNED. You disappointed me to no end.

First, some idiot at your deli counter made me wait 15 minutes to serve me...while she slowly waited on the only customer ahead of me. (really? it takes how long to shave a half pound of turkey?) Then she took an additional 10min to get my turkey and cheese, asking me to repeat each bit of my order at least three times. (but she still managed to shave up some ham on accident because she couldn't tell the difference.)

Moment of the Day:
Deli Girl: "Wait. Did you say Co Jack or Colby?" *as she holds the Co Jack over the blade, ready to cut*
Me: "Colby"
Deli Girl: *whispering to a coworker loud enough to be wearing a microphone* Which ones' Colby?"
Lazy Boy Behind Counter: "Colby's the yellow round one...or something."

I don't mind high kids usually but only the smart, high ones. There is nothing worse than someone who is already dumb getting stoned and handling my deli needs.

And then, to add insult to injury, I ran into several of your "lovely," toothless patrons in a little traffic jam where you decided to shove just ONE MORE display pallet in the most inconvenient spot in the store. (corner intersection by milk, bread, and donuts) I felt so out of place in my J Crew/Banana Republic work outfit...

60 minutes later, I may have saved a few dollars but wasted 30 minutes of my life looking around for the NON WalMart generic version of cottage cheese and waiting in lines to be served by people who couldn't have looked like they hated me more.

And I don't even have a $1 sparkly trinket to show for it...

I am done for real this time.

Spitefully yours,
HauteMess

#Singlewhitegirlproblems The Rap

2011-06-24T21:09:00.000-04:00

Happy Weekend!!

I just woke up from a nap and wished it was 8:30am on Saturday. Instead it is 8:30pm on a Friday night and I am NOT going out. I had a rough week at work and maybe consumed a bit too much gin last night while blowing off steam and only slept 4 hours. OOPS! #singlewhitegirlproblems

Anyhow - I discovered this song about "First World Problems" and almost peed myself laughing because it is SOO the same intent of #singlewhitegirlproblems, but rapped by a seriously white teen boy. (yes, I said "RAPPED!")

I hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed "Cooking with Beefcake" this week!

P.S. I SOOO wished that Mexican or Indian restaurants in cincy delivered...and cupcakes....so that I didn't have to put a bra on right now to go get it. #singlewhitegirlproblems

"It's COCKtail Time!!!" or "I Know What I Want to Be When I Grow Up"

2011-06-22T20:15:00.003-04:00

OMG - I just found my DREAM JOB! Thanks to my idols over at Jezebel.com - I just discovered "Cooking With Beefcake." I haven't felt this complete since Elizabeth Taylor and Rue McClanahan died.

"Cooking With Beefcake" is basically just an awesome, old slut surrounded by young, hot studs wearing nothing by a chef hats and half aprons. (Abs and ass are fully visible) The only thing more prominent than hard ass muscles is the RICOCK inuendo! Favorite line that I will repeat to an annoying degree this weekend? --> "It's COCKtail time!"

I officially know what I want:
- To be for Halloween
- To be when I grow up
- For Christmas
- To watch hungover this weekend

Enjoy!!

COCKTAIL TIME! from EIT! on Vimeo.

The High School Reunion Conundrum

2011-06-21T00:30:00.004-04:00

In a little over a month, I am subjecting myself to a time honored tradition of both terror and nostalgic delight...the 10-Year High School Reunion.

I am excited to see my friends who have moved all over the country (all three of them) but also nervous. Why so nervous? Possibly because I don't usually measure myself against a ruler that I defined 10 years ago. Even though I am pretty certain my life is awesome - it isn't exactly what I imagined at age 18.

Growing up in small town Indiana, there was a cookie cutter vision of the future. Go to college, meet man of dreams, get engaged, get dream job far away from home, get married, and then around age 28 you should be ready for babies.

However, like Robert Frost, I took the road less traveled.

I love my life. I love that my mother told me that I remind her of Chelsea Handler (more specifically she called us both "Diabolically irreverent"). I love that I watched all 6 Seasons of Lost while hungover on my couch this winter. I love that I can run a half marathon one weekend, drink an entire bottle of wine on a Sunday in a San Francisco park the next weekend, toast on top of The W in D.C. while looking at the Washington Monument & White House the following weekend, and then accidentally purchase two JUMBO slices of pizza at 2am and when the cashier tells me I should probably just get one...I feel personally offended and challenged enough to eat like 7,000 calories worth of pepperoni.

I love that I am going to Coachella...then back to Lollapalooza...then to MoogFest all in one year. I love my bikini body t-shirt collection. I love life in general - which is why I promised myself live it to the fullest even if its just little things every day.

Yet I am not exactly sure how to express this sentiment. Most of the people I grew up with have multiple kids...are married...and work at one of the small, maybe even seasonal, businesses in town. I have no husband, no kids, and a job that most people don't understand.

I have even joked with my BFF about getting wallet sized glamour shots of Bitchy Little Rat Dog to pull out of my wallet when people ask me if I have children. "Why yes, I have the most stunning little girl...with the fluffiest tail in the world!"

It doesn't matter what other people think of me. I know that. But, I think my bigger fear isn't what they think...but that maybe seeing myself through their eyes will bring back those old standards of success I envisioned when I was 18. Maybe I won't measure up in my own eyes. Maybe having to repeat over and over that I am not married, engaged, dating or even just sleeping with anyone will make me wish that I was. (However, to be clear, I couldn't be more happy about not having kids...for that, they will never change my mind)

So to get excited and pump myself up for this event, I have to do what any respectable movie character does....lose 10lbs and pretend I invented Post-Its!

And then, in true high school fashion, plan a killer afterparty where I can get ricock wasted and make some bad decisions at our Riverboat Casino! It may not be Vegas, but I heard we have the loosest slots in Indiana! (real billboard advertisement...) Until then...I shall be conflicted with fear and fascination of what's to come.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Two Truths and a Lie - Answers Revealed

2011-06-15T01:28:00.003-04:00

And now, the moment some of you have been waiting for... THE ANSWERS from Two Truths and a Lie!

I asked you to leave your guesses in the comments section and we had ONE winner!! Shannon is the only one who knows me well enough to figure it out!

So what is the truth?

~~1) I have been arrested for impersonating a federal officer during a prank phone call.~~

2) I got married, after drinking too much in a pub one night.

3) I once stalked Ashlee Simpson.

LIE: I have been arrested for impersonating a federal officer during a prank phone call.
For those of you who believed the Prank Call Arrest story - that DID happen...just not to me. When my brother was 15 years old, he was booked in Juvenile Court for impersonating a Federal Officer while pranking people with hilarious sounding names that he picked out of the phone book. I learned from his mistake and focused most of my prank calls on NON federal offenses...just run of the mill assholic offenses. A personal favorite was calling fraternity guys, impersonating a receptionist at an OBGYN office, to confirm their girlfriends' ultrasound.

TRUTH: I once stalked Ashlee Simpson.
I know this was very confusing for some of you. This one is more like a HALF truth - I stalked her AND hit on her by drunken accident. After a Fall Out Boy Concert in 2007, Pete Wentz was DJ-ing an after party at my favorite neighborhood dive bar. It seemed so exciting at the time - Pete Wentz and a back-to-blonde-Ashlee Simpson in MY hood! My roommate and I went hoping for a chance to meet some famous people. Unfortunately, the band and their entourage sat in a makeshift VIP area, complete with rented velvet ropes and bottle service so that they could all avoid rubbing elbows with us commoners. I was pissed!

And then I saw Ashlee standing up and walking out of VIP...I knew there was only one reason why anyone would leave the VIP snooty area: PEE TIME! I quickly darted to the Ladies' Room and locked myself in one of the two stalls. The security guards followed behind me, ushering Ashlee into the bathroom and forcing all "peasants" to evacuate the room and give her privacy. I was already in a stall so security let me stay but told me to "hurry up." (whatever assholes...like I was going to sexually assault her or try to take a photo of her squatting...as if!") So Ashlee and I peed next to each other and washed our hands together.

As the middle aged bathroom attendant handed her a paper towel, she told Ashlee that her hair looked better brown because the blonde hair "looked too much like Jessica," I interjected and told her that I thought she was "beautiful and didn't look like anyone but herself." She smiled and graciously thanked me before running out of that bathroom at lightning speed.

I was left standing with a handful of soap, a disapproving bathroom attendant, and a distinct feeling that I had just stalked and hit on Ashlee Simpson for no legitimate reason at all.

TRUTH: I got married, after drinking too much in a pub one night.
I was a little shocked that no one guessed this was the lie...I suppose you all know me too well. When I was 20 years old, I studied abroad at Oxford University in the UK. I was sad to leave my boyfriend behind, but excited to live in a country where I could legally drink. I drunk dialed my boyfriend every night before bed - as he was coming home from his shitty internship selling Yellow Pages advertising. Needless to say - those were not my most compassionate hours in life, bragging about how wonderful my experiences were while he begged Fast Food Restaurant Managers to buy a $25 ad so he could get is $.50 commission.

During my tenure, I grew very close to the people I was living with and studying with. We were all on a huge life adventure and bonded quickly over being far away from home and hungover everyday! One day, a few friends started obsessing over the optimal gene pool combinations in the event that all other human life on earth was wiped out of existence EXCEPT for our study abroad group. It was only a couple years after 9/11, and apparently that incident affected some of my study abroad mates deeply. (At least deeply enough to have them imagining "Blue Lagoon 3: Oxford University") They were obsessed with pairing people based on ideal genetic matches that would yield a super human race.

I have always been a fan of taking jokes one step too far. If no one thinks to themselves, "Well that escalated quickly...." then I haven't done the job I was put on earth to do. Drunken hypothetical doomsday conversations quickly turned into a matchmaking game, and the "mate" I was matched with just so happened to be 2 things.
1) Equally fond of taking jokes too far...or at least willing to do anything I asked him to do. And...
2) My cousin's ex boyfriend. [It was a strange coincidence that he and I ended up in England together, not knowing each other prior to the trip, and even stranger that we were chosen as ideal genetic partners to repopulate the world...] Cousin or no cousin, I had to play the hand I was dealt.

As a fun photo opportunity with a disposable camera - my "mate" enthusiastically proposed to me in Milan at sunset...ironically he used the silver eternity ring my cousin gave him during their relationship; the inside was inscribed "Forever and Always." I wore it on my thumb.

After jokingly announcing our engagement to our classmates (but not my boyfriend back home), it was determined that someone would get ordained online and marry us in Oxford before all going home. This sounded HILARIOUS! It had to be done. One week later, our 22 year old Engineering Major Minister flashed his newly printed certificate and announced that the time had come. It was too late to back out then...

[Sidenote: during this time, pints of beer cost 4 quid but Irish Car bombs only cost 3. The Oriel College Pub bar owner, Al, made our Irish Car bombs with a half pint of Guinness + 1 full shot of Jameson and 1 full shot of Bailey's....Binge drinking just made the most economical sense.]

3 Irish Car Bombs later, I announced that I was ready to become Mrs. WhateverHisLastNameWas. I picked 4 bridesmaids. I asked Al, the bartender, if he would give me away; he enthusiastically agreed. I went around the bar inviting people to attend my wedding. I was holding a brand new beer - so all I needed was something old, something borrowed, and something blue. From the corner of my eye, I spotted a girl wearing a blue zip up hoodie sweater. I practically accosted her, slurring a very heartfelt invitation to my wedding before asking her how long ago she bought her blue sweater. I nearly peed my pants when I found out it was 3 years old...which in clothing years is like ancient! I asked if I could borrow her sweater for luck.

My bridesmaids grabbed the fake flowers from the pub's cheap dining room decor and the wedding was under way....the next thing I knew, I was being escorted down an "aisle" of bar stools up to an "altar" at the bar by our friendly bartender. As I happily gazed up at my future husband, we repeated the following vows to each other:

"I take you to be my drunkenly wedded wife/husband. I promise to have and to hold your beer through hangovers and health til sobriety we do part."

It was all fun and games until the Ordained Minister shouted, "By the powers vested in me by the world wide web, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife." That is the exact moment that the brevity of the situation hit me...HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I just kind of got married. In a bar. At age 20. To not my boyfriend.

I wouldn't even let my husband kiss the bride but rather settle for a handshake. I freaked the fuck out and begged for an "annulment." The Internet Ordained minister insisted that he didn't know how to perform an annulment...he was only ordained to "bring two souls together, not tear them apart."

I stood there with my borrowed sweater, holding plastic flowers, wearing someone else's ring on my thumb, and realized that I should probably drunk dial my boyfriend at home and tell him what happened before his fraternity brothers who were in attendance got to him first.

Needless to say, he wasn't very happy. I don't think my marriage to someone else is the main reason he started cheating on me...but I am sure it did not help his low self esteem. That was probably the first time he realized that he would never be enough for me...he would never be enough to stop me from marrying strange men I barely knew in bars.

Even though I didn't sign any legal documents and the marriage was never consummated, I sometimes secretly fear that I may be accidentally married still. I kept Kyle's number in my phone as "Husband" for 8 years. I just deleted it this year when spring cleaning my cell phone address book. I haven't consulted a lawyer or a judge - but I feel pretty confident that what happened in Oxford, stayed in Oxford.

Two Truths and A Lie

2011-06-10T15:55:00.001-04:00

In case you have never been to an awkward team building event with the "Two Truths and A Lie" Icebreaker, let me explain the obvious to you (just in case). I am going to make 3 statements about myself below. Two of them a true...real...actual...no joke. One is a lie...false...not true at all.

Your job is to guess which of the statements is a lie. I will reveal the answer next week as I provide the stories behind each truth. Just a fun little game...and quite frankly, a nice little "lazy" post for me today.

Just leave your guesses in the comments section...although not necessary, you can add your rationale why you chose that statement as the lie! :)

1) I have been arrested for impersonating a federal officer during a prank phone call.

2) I got married, after drinking too much in a pub one night.

3) I once stalked Ashlee Simpson.

Answer revealed here.

Secret Wishes

2011-06-09T23:36:00.000-04:00

I secretly wish that while enjoying a delicious Chinese dinner, I will open someone else's "Will You Marry Me?" fortune cookie message...I think it would be funny to open it, look at my date, and shout "YES!" just loud enough for the girl who the cookie was meant for glare enviously at me and then hatefully at her would-be fiancee. I would then place the sparkly bauble on my finger as she huffs off to the ladies' room to call her mom and say that it didn't happen tonight.

A Mother-DaughterMess Vacation

2011-06-08T15:40:00.001-04:00

For Mother's Day this year I decided to take my mother to San Diego with me for my half marathon. She has always been my biggest supporter when it comes to fundraising but had never actually seen me run.

Normally my mom and I don't vacation together because she doesn't really drink (1 drink and her her face blows up like a red balloon) and she doesn't stay up late or walk long distances. And those are basically my only requirements for vacations - long walking tours (burns calories AND no risk of a DUI), exorbitant amounts of drinking, and staying up past 9pm. BUT, on race weekends I have to take it easy and hydrate. Therefore, it was the perfect mother-daughter vacation!

My mom is hilarious in her own ways. Her main hobbies include trying to marry me off to strangers she meets on airplanes (as a flight attendant, this happens more than you know), publicly doubting my decision to not have children, bragging about how awesome I am, and empathizing with all humanity by taking in as many strays as possible. And by strays, I mean damaged goods dogs and people as well as any babies/children that she can pretend are her own grandkids. So to be sure, hilarity ensued this past weekend.

DAY 1: "The Great Condom Debacle"

While unpacking my backpack (one that I haven't used in a a long while), I pulled out my jewelry and out fall a bag of condoms. I quickly looked over to see if my mom had noticed...she had. I immediately started sweating and got nauseous. My mom is pretty certain that I am a virgin, and this is one of my proudest accomplishments in life. Do you have any idea how hard it is to carry that off as a 28 year old?

Anyway, the worst part about those condoms falling out is that they were not even from exciting vacation sex but rather party favors from a baby shower. Thank God they were still in the little plastic bag with diaper pins in, or my "virgin" rouse may have ended right then and there. It made it a little less believable that I hadn't been hoping for "that kind of weekend."

DAY 2: "Guilt and Circumstance"
Jetlag wouldn't let me sleep past 8:30am and my mom is more in love with sleeping in than I am in love with wine and pizza. So, I went out to explore on my own. One of my many weaknesses in life is pain au chocolat ... As I was sitting down at a lovely outdoor french cafe to shamefully enjoy my 700-calorie sin (hey- carbloading yo!), the local Cross Fit enthusiasts decided to run laps around the block. Suddenly, I was tortured by 20 fantastically thin and fit hard-bodies who happened to run past me every time I tried to take a bite of my devilish pastry. Assholes.

Later that afternoon, while Mom and I strolled through Balboa Park, I spotted a sweet Palm Reading Fortune teller with only 8 fingers. My mom had never been to a fortune teller for fear that they would tell her she will die soon. I called, "Nonsense!" and forced her to sit down with him. This soothsayer nailed my mom's life with so many accurate details that I had to keep turning my head away to keep from giggling. He told my mom that she is basically Mother Theresa, but with a feisty little temper and a tendency to cry at the drop of a hat. ACCURATE!

When it was my turn, Frankie 8 Fingers told me that I either haven't dated very many significant people OR I must date a lot of trash because my relationship line was sparse. The love of my life is still out there, he said. But apparently, I should abandon all hope of retiring rich. Meh - You win some, you lose some.

DAY 3: "Dumb & Dumber Plan Their Evening"
After running 13.1 miles on an injured ankle, I was essentially immobile. While icing my jacked up ankle and shivering from sunburn induced chills (Personal Policy: if you aren't as tan as you would like by final day of vacation- sunblock is stupid...as it turns out, I was stupid.), we talked about our evening plans.

ME: So, what should we do now?
Mom: HBO has True Blood.
ME: Yeah, but what time? It's only 7.
Mom: Well, it doesn't start until June 26th, so we'll have to wait a while.

DAY 4: "THAT Conversation."
On the plane home, we sat next to a guy who looked like a Prince William Wannabe... Full lips, slightly horsey teeth, big green eyes, and a super receding hair line with future comb-over potential... And after chugging 2 glasses of Chardonnay in the Delta Sky Club, all I wanted to do was shout, "So, no socks eh? Tell me how that works for ya." However because it was only 2 glasses and not 4, I realized that this type of candor is only endearing to my friends and family. And according the the palm reader- I have to learn to censor myself. (HauteMess 1, Palm Reader 0)

My mom clearly noticed that he may be a young, single potential mate for me... And busted out the following conversation:

Mom: I have donated 10% of all your donations! Buy don't tell your dad- I used my own credit card so he won't know. *turning to boy* So are you married?
Him: No, but I have had a girlfriend for a long time. (obviously trying to give her a hint to lay off, but MamaMess fears no girlfriends)
Mom: I just want you to know what to expect. I taught my daughter at a young age to keep the change when her dad asked her to pay for things... then it backfired on me and she started keeping my change, too. I guess I taught her too well.
Me: Ha, except now I prefer total financial independence.
Mom: *sigh* Yeah- it totally backfired. Now she doesn't want to get married or have babies. *through gritted teeth* I NEED grandkids.
Me: *GASP* Wha? Really??? You're are having THIS conversation?
Mom: (to me) Yes. *turning back to him* They keep giving me grand-dogs, my son and her. And don't get me wrong, they are great dogs - but you can only put them in so many outfits.
Me: WOW. That's going on the blog.
Mom: *whispering to me* You are evil. EVIL I tell you. *turning back to him, batting her eyelashes and dripping with Southern Charm* Sooo, what do you do for a living? *smile*

At least she is a determined little bitch! :)

#Singlewhitegirlproblems

2011-06-02T07:57:00.007-04:00

Is it just me or is this the shortest week ever? I am flying to San Diego tomorrow for my half marathon - I am excited to finally be done with it, yet scared that all the damage I have done to my body at Coachella, The Kentucky Derby, and the Indy 500 will catch up to me around mile 10.
(Yes, yes - this IS a total #singlewhitegirlproblem...I might as well have said, "All the awesome vacations and parties made running my half marathon like soo hard!")

In honor of the incredible amount of whining in the paragraph above...I present you with my Post-Memorial Day #SingleWhiteGirlProblems

I was so bored laying out today. So I went inside, applied sunless tanner, and took a nap instead. #singlewhitegirlproblems

Billy just died on Ally McBeal while I was eating cereal. Started crying and nearly barfed up Kashi. Yes, you read that right - Ally McBeal made me cry so hard I almost puked. #singlewhitegirlproblems

Started watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix...If real high school boys are half as hot, I wouldn't be allowed within 100 ft of a High School. #singlewhitegirlproblems

The Chinese Food delivery guy and I like to play little game called"Guess How Many People Are Going to Eat This Food." Judging by the number of fortune cookies, tonight he guessed 4. Sucker! It's just me! #singlewhitegirlproblems

I tried to buy rainbow umbrella hats, but my limo moved too fast. #richmuchachoproblems

I kinda like him, but when I get nervous I laugh. It was probably a turn off when he went in for a kiss and I laughed in his mouth. Sigh! #singlewhitegirlproblems

MoogFest lineup announced today. Now all I can think about are my Halloween costumes. The theme is "My Future," but I can't decide between Holly GoLightly in her sleep mask, Black Swan, or Anne Bancroft's Miss Havisham. So many choices. Ugh! #singlewhitegirlproblems

When In Rome...

2011-05-31T16:50:00.002-04:00

Memorial Day Weekend in the United States means 3 things to me: Backyard BBQ-in', beer drankin', and Car Racin'. I have experienced Nascar several times in the past...each time adapting my behavior to that of the locals. This weekend was no exception.

I skipped Nascar this year to experience my first Indy Car Race. (race fans will say that they are SOOOO different....I beg to differ! Jorts are jorts the world around.) While at the 100th Anniversary of the Indianapolis 500, I embraced my Indiana roots and got real hillbilly with it this weekend. I figured, "When in Rome, do as the Romans..."

You Might Be A HauteMess If...
You go shopping for black jeans to cut into "jorts" and spend $400 on other costume-like clothing instead.

You Might Be A HauteMess If...
You use wire cutters to become the official "jorts" stylist for your family.
You Might Be A HauteMess If...
You are inexplicable drawn to the only shirtless 24 year old at a tailgate and end up kissing him....while wearing a bikini body t-shirt.

You Might Be A HauteMess If...
You later find out that the shirtless 24 year old also made out with your cousin that same night. (Only in Indiana...and Kentucky, I suppose)

You Might Be A HauteMess If...
You spend $40 cash to purchase a life sized cutout of Damon Wayans to take into the Indy 500...and later you are seen slow dancing with said cutout. (and have an uncomfortable number of pictures with him)

You Might Be A HauteMess If...
You get your second wind at 3am and start pranking your friends on the West Coast (by simply breathing heavily into the phone)...then forward all return calls to someone else in case someone calls back.

You Might Be A HauteMess If...
You and your sister erase someone else's whiteboard and draw the following... (and then you are quoted as saying, "Dry makes everything funnier.")

Hautemess Pearls of Wisdom

2011-05-27T08:59:00.000-04:00

I regularly dispense random pearls of wisdom to innocent bystanders…mostly they look at me quizzically and walk away. I realize that perhaps instead of telling half the bar that I am still sweating from all the effort it took to pull my Spanx up – maybe I should just share these totally random, very loosely connected to any real train of thought, bits of advice with the blogosphere. So…you’re welcome, I guess.

In the summertime, if you aren’t sweaty before you put on Spanx, you sure will be after pulling them up. Those bitches take some serious effort! Baby Powder helps…but if you expect to hook up later, maybe not the biggest aphrodisiac.
Speaking of Spanx – always have an exit strategy. Spanx are like night time mouth guards, tampon strings, or hair rollers – if you want to be seen as a sexual creature, he must NEVER see these things.
There’s Something About Mary made an excellent point – masturbating before a date is always a good idea. Everyone looks better with that natural O Glow- consider it a sneak preview/incentive for your date to treat you extra well all night.
If you are ever frazzled or in a hurry, don’t let Bitchy Little Rat Dog go outside. She immediately senses hurriedness and thinks, “Bitch wants to leave me?? Aw hell naw! Ima take my sweet ass time outside just THINKING about dropping a deuce, maybe even run away for a little bit.” I can’t tell you how many “I’m sorry I am late, my dog ran away,” text messages I have sent.
If you date takes you for ice cream, always go Mint Chocolate Chip…it is the tastiest goodnight kiss. Trust.
If you ever don’t know what to order at Potbelly – go for the PB&J. It is the incredibly awkward (nearly illegal) combination of an orgasm for your taste buds AND a nice reminder of childhood at the same time. Don't judge; just eat.

Introducing...THE MUCHACHO!

2011-05-25T22:59:00.001-04:00

It has been a while since I have introduced you to a new character. It's probably just that no one has been worthy...until now. Blog friends, meet THE MUCHACHO. (Yes, this is a chachy name.) (No, he probably won't like it.) He is one hot piece of latino ass and just chachy enough that I think the name is perfect. And what I think is all that counts.

A little background on when we became friends...
The Muchacho is close friends with my brother and sister-in-law, and he just moved near me. So recently, my sister offered The Muchacho $1500 to sleep with me because she thought "it would be HUH-larious." As soon as I found out, I asked him if he would split it with me; he agreed. Sadly, even though we shared a king size bed during the entire Coachella vacation - each night you could have fit at least two more people between us. SO, we did not get $750 richer...but we did stay up chatting most every night (75% of everything I said I forgot by the next morning), woke up & immediately drank Screwmosas every morning, and became good friends on our own. (without money and without my brother)

When I knew that he should be a character/contributor to the blog...
A REAL text message conversation this week:

The Muchacho - "Your Memory is RICOCK good"
The Muchacho - "Rickock is a Muchacho trademark"
"I like it. I will steal it and claim it as my own" - ME
The Muchacho - "Slightly more aggressive than ridic"
"[That's a definition] which I feel defines my whole being. AND a new tagline for the blog" - ME

So there you have it...a new character and a new vocab lesson. I will be visiting him this weekend for the Indy 500...stories will definitely follow!

Ricock = Slightly more aggressive than ridic = HauteMess.

Now THIS is a 3-Way I would Join!

2011-05-24T11:30:00.002-04:00

Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg are at it again...and this time Lady Gaga wants in on the action. A few years ago they showed us that sometimes the best packages still need a bow with "D*ck In a Box." Last year, they made it clear that mothers need "love," too. And now....three 3-Way

[Spoiler alert: the Zack Morris phone lives and helicopter dick makes an appearance]

I love both of these guys so much - I don't even care if they eat pizza while drunk - I would marry them BOTH.) Or just ring them up for a Three's Company style 3-way)(or would it be a 4-way if I asked them to bring the Zack Morris phone??) Speaking of Zack Morris - would this same equation still exist in a 4-way?